Prayer for the Dying

Today many people woke up to death. It may have been the death of a loved one or the death of a cherished dream. But worse, it might have been the death of hope and faith. 

We are all dying. We began dying the moment we are born. 

There is a poem The Dash by Linda Ellis that illustrates that your tombstone has two dates, the date you were born and the date you died. Grandma Jessie's is 1921-2002. But that life is lived in the 'dash'. What's important is what you do while you live. 

"Because Your lovingkindness is better than life, my lips shall praise You. Thus I will bless You while I live; I will lift up my hands in Your name." Psalm 63:3-4

WHILE I LIVE, I am going to remember that God has a purpose and a plan for my life, no matter what it looks like right now. 

WHILE I LIVE, I am going to discover and embrace who God says I am. 

WHILE I LIVE, I am going to speak life to others and to myself. 

WHILE I LIVE, I am going to develop and deepen my personal relationship with God. 

WHILE I LIVE, I will speak what thus sayeth the Lord. 

Life is challenging in so many different ways. God never said it would be easy, in fact He said  "These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.” John 16:33 

So for now, today, right this minute... YOU WILL LIVE AND NOT DIE! And while you live, you have work to do. You have people to forgive (yourself included), you have prayers to make and worship to give. You only have right now to do it. Because right now, you are in the dash. 

"Praise the Lord, O my soul! While I live I will praise the Lord; I will sing praises to my God while I have my being." Psalm 14:1-2

In love,
Mona

    

Double Exposure

Most of us are old enough to remember 35mm cameras and film. Long before cell phones cameras came along, we bought small canisters of film, inserted them into our cameras, took the exposed end and threaded it through the back of the camera. We then took all of the pictures on the roll of film and dropped it off to a place like Walgreens to be developed. Three days later, we went back and picked up a yellow envelop with a sticky flap and inside were the beautiful pictures of family and friends that we'd captured. 

But what happened to the roll of film after we dropped it off? A technician somewhere opened the canister and took the film through a long and painful process. The film, which is light sensitive and prone to easy destruction if exposed, is carefully removed from the small canister and rinsed in water. It is then subject to numerous rinses in various harsh chemicals to remove its light sensitivity and help the images to develop. This process creates a 'negative' which, when you see it, is not quite the picture you took. Light is dark and dark is light. This 'negative' is then fed into a machine which, clearly using magic and technology, turns the negative image into a positive one. Then the images are printed and voila! A lovely color photo. 

So much of our 'stuff' - our fears, anxieties, issues, problems, etc - are like that light sensitive film just coming out of the canister. We have to expose it, wash it and process it. We are at a very fragile state. We have to go through the harsh process of reliving that which threatens to eat us alive. We have to remember the abuse, remember the pain, remember the rejection. We have to LOOK at it squarely in the face and remind ourselves that it did not kill us. 

And even after we've done that, often what results is negative. We have exposed self-doubt, hatred, denial and unforgiveness. But that's not the final picture. That's not the end result. If we CONTINUE with the process - if we move forward and make the choice to not let this hold us back, what results is positive. We must lay it down. We have to tell the story. We have to open our mouths and speak the truth of the tragedies that have befallen us. We have to shine a light on our demons and say "this is my stuff, here it is and I AM STILL HERE!" Then the grip of those demons are loosened. 

Your restoration is close at hand. But there is a process. If you want healing and deliverance you're going to have to do the hard work of exposing, washing clean, and letting it develop into something beautiful - your deliverance.

Behold, I will bring it health and healing; I will heal them and reveal to them the abundance of peace and truth. And I will cause the captives of Judah and the captives of Israel to return, and will rebuild those places as at the first. Jeremiah 33:6-7

Thus says the Lord: ‘Again there shall be heard in this place—of which you say, “It is desolate, without man and without beast”—in the cities of Judah, in the streets of Jerusalem that are desolate, without man and without inhabitant and without beast, 11 the voice of joy and the voice of gladness, the voice of the bridegroom and the voice of the bride, the voice of those who will say “Praise the Lord of hosts, for the Lord is good, for His mercy endures forever” Jeremiah 33:10-11 

God promises to heal you, return you to your rightful place and give you peace. And in return, all He asks for is your praise. 

In love,
Mona

Secrets & Lies

I started smoking when I was 15 years old. I quit on my 35th birthday after it dawned on me that I had been smoking for 20 years. Twenty years is a long time to do anything. I started again at the end of 2014 and quit again one week ago today. So yeah, I was smoking on the down low for just over 2 years. Some people knew, but not that many. I kept the secret from everyone who didn't have to know. 

I am not really sure what made me start again after 11 years, boredom probably and on some level I don't think I ever stopped missing it. It was stupid and damaging and I was living a huge lie. 

I work with our health ministry and I encourage living a healthy lifestyle while smoking every day. This is hard to admit and I know I am going to disappoint a lot of people whose opinion of me matters. But I also know that these people, while they will be upset and disappointed, will not stop loving me. They will correct me, and rightly so, and maybe even suggest that I stop working with the health ministry, as would be their right to do so. And if they did, I would accept it and ask no questions. Because carrying around that lie has done more to damage my right standing with God than anything else. 

And I want to be right. I want to live the transparent life that I am always talking about. And one step in that direction is to let go of the secrets and lies that hold me back. And we all have them. We all have that thing, whether we did it to ourselves, or someone did it to us, that keeps us from actually being free. 

And the time is now to start revealing these things. You don't have to have a blog to let the past go. You have to have a trusted pastor, mentor or friend. You have to have someone who hears with God's ear and sees with God's eyes. You have to have someone with the compassion and grace that comes from having a relationship with the Lord. Call that person, text that person, go to their house and unburden yourself. 

Let God begin to do the work of healing you from your past and allow Him to find a way to use that past, that pain, that lie, that secret to push you forward into your destiny. Telling it won't kill you. Revealing it won't turn those who love you away. Opening up won't sink you lower, it will free you. Free you to turn the page on your past and reveal a fresh unwritten page of your future. Pastor Darryl's has been teaching about turning the page so I won't take credit for this amazing analogy. 

As I finish this blog and prepare to post it, I am afraid of reactions. But I know that God still loves me. And I'm sure many of you do too, but in reality I'm beginning to see that I love me as well. I love myself enough to expose myself in order for my soul to be free and to show you that you can do it too. 

This is from The Message Matthew 14:24-26 "Then Jesus went to work on his disciples. “Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You’re not in the driver’s seat; I am. Don’t run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I’ll show you how. Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to finding yourself, your true self. What kind of deal is it to get everything you want but lose yourself? What could you ever trade your soul for?"

In love, 
Mona

Scared Straight

I've been running scared a long long time. Scared to fully commit myself to whatever God has in store for me. Scared to be used. Scared to write. Scared to speak. Scared to admit it out loud and terrified to type it in my blog. 

God and I have had so many fits and starts during the last twenty or so years. I move forward one inch, see a glimpse of what God wants me to do and then I run back a mile. 

I am a victim of my own flesh. Victim of worrying about what people might think about me. Victim of wondering if any of this is real. Am I really speaking in tongues when I worship? Am I really calling on heaven when I pray? Am I really effective when I speak? Could this all be in my own mind?

What will this person have to say? Or that person? If I told someone that I was going to be used by God, would they express disbelief that I was even a Christian? Would they remind me of the time I used those curse words or drank that wine? Would they question God's judgement to use me of all people? 

I am so scared that I have immobilized myself by fear. What if I say something wrong? What if I fail? What if I cause harm? What if.... I can't even type all the what ifs I use as an excuse to do nothing. 

But I'm tired of running. Tired of not truly being who I am supposed to be. Tired of how hard I work to avoid it. Tired of coming up with new and unique reasons not to just do the work. 

I can't use my mom as an excuse. I can't use my family. I can't use work. I can't use lack of confidence and I can't use fear. 

My best friend Lisa said that very early on when we first met that she saw me standing at a pulpit. God has not called to the pulpit in that way, but He did give me a voice to speak and I've been swallowing that voice for a long time. 

Denise said I have to just jump out of the plane and not pull the ripcord. That requires trust and belief that the parachute will open when it's time. I have to trust that God knew what He was doing when He called me. I have to believe that He wouldn't put me out there to fail. I have to know that He will give me the words to speak and He will give the listeners the ears to hear. 

I'm still scared but I said today that I was going to be all in. The best and worst part about that is that I don't even know what that means or what it's going to look like but here is where I say "so what?"

We'll just have to see what happens. But I do know that no matter what it is, God will get the glory from my life. And He will surround me with the people I need to push me and pull me into shape. 

So I'm braced for whatever is next and you're coming with me. I can't do it alone. 

In love,
Mona

Reasons and Seasons and Lifetimes

There is a poem that begins "People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person."

The poem says 'reason' people are are there to fulfill a need, to aid you in something immediate and once the need is met, they are gone. 

'Season' people come to help you grow. The bring laughter, peace and teach you things you didn't know. They bring you joy. 

'Lifetime' people teach you lifelong lessons; lessons that you learn and then pay forward to teach someone else. Lifetime folks help you build solid emotional foundations that you continue to build upon. 

As I get older, I think a lot about the people in my life who I classified as reasons, seasons or lifetimes, only to find out over time that I was wrong. Those who I thought were only going to be there for an insignificant reason turned out to remain for long long seasons of my life. And the ones that I was confident were with me for life actually ended up being just a seasonal blip. Seasons don't have a defined time. A season can be decades. 

One expects that familial relationships are for a lifetime. But families fall out, parents and children drift apart, sisters and brothers stop speaking to one another. Husbands and wives divorce. We begin, or are born into, these relationship that we are certain will last for life but sadly we are wrong. That's not to say that we didn't get a lifetime worth of love, laughter and learning. We most likely did and then some. But things end. People walk away, drift away or die. 

Thinking about it started to make me sad, but then I was reminded that Jesus said "lo, I am with you always, even until the end of the age." Matthew 28:20

He is actually the only one guaranteed for a lifetime. He said He is with you - not was with, or gonna be with, but IS with, right now at this very moment. When everyone else is gone, Jesus is with you, right where you are. In the midst of your pain, hurt, sadness, joy, blessings, failures and successes. When you are up and when you are down. When relationships end and at the beginning of new ones. On the job and in the unemployment line. When the kids are acting up and when your parents pass away. When you remember the abuses you suffered and when you acted completely out of character and hurt the ones you love. He is still there. And He is always going to be there. Until the end of time. 

He loves you. It doesn't matter what you've done, who you've hurt, who hurt you, who walked away from you or who you walked away from. He loves you still and always. 

"For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38-39

I am grateful for the people who were in my life for a reason, and for those who were/are here for a season but my heart is full of joy for the One who is here for my lifetime. And nothing will separate us. 

In love, 
Mona

Companion Care

I have blogged often about my loneliness. I used to think it was the absence of a companion, but lately I've realized that its more likely the absence of feeling necessary to someone. That might be the same thing, but I'm not sure. 

I miss a lot of things about being married and having my family under one roof. I miss the sense of someone being there. I miss the laughter and the noise of togetherness. I miss the daily presence of folks who love you and need you around. 

Now don't get me wrong, I know they still love me and, I'm sure on some level, they still need me. But not like they did when they were dependent on me for their very survival. The hardest part about being an empty-nester, is not only that they aren't physically around, but that you aren't necessary for the big things. 

It doesn't need to be said that I am so very proud of my adults, who have taken in all of the lessons that we tried to teach them, and are applying them every single day. They are independent and resilient and living life as grandly as they can. 

So where does that leave me? I previously thought this gaping hole could be filled by a relationship and it wasn't until recently that it has started to dawn on me that there is a reason that God hasn't sent anyone. He really truly wants me to see Him as my constant companion. And to be honest, I haven't take care of that companionship like I should have. Not to say that I haven't prayed and worshipped and gone to church. I was seeing God as many of His other manifestations. God the Provider (Jehovah Jireh), God the Healer (Jehovah Rapha), God of Peace (Jehovah Shalom) , etc. But not as God the Companion (Emmanuel - God with us). 

As I struggle with my loneliness, I came across a well-known scripture "Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:14

I have to rehearse this thing. I have to paste this to mirror and read it every day. I have to take hold of God telling me not be afraid because I am not alone. He is with me. And when I get weak, when I worry that I am going to die alone, when I fret that my life has become mundane and useless, this will remind me otherwise. 

If you are feeling like this with me, let's agree to hold each other up in our prayers, to stand in the gap for each other. I don't have to know your name, just know that I will seek God on behalf of everyone who might be is in this place. 

In love, 
Mona

Dancing at Christmas

As the Christmas season approaches and soon the beginning of a brand new year, I am thinking often about what has happened throughout the year.

As the year began, my mom was dealing with severe and crippling back issues. As the months went on, her posture worsened until she was walking with a walker stooped over to almost a 45 degree angle. She was in agonizing pain all of the time, the kind of pain that would immobilize most people. And yet she kept going, kept working, kept moving and even slowly kept dancing at church. 

Anyone who's ever seen Phyllis praising at church knows she loves to dance in the aisles as the Spirit leads. She's a praiser and dance is one of the ways she worships.

In May, she had back surgery which almost took her life. I talk a little bit about it here: My Final Influence. It was the most terrified I think I'd ever been. But imagine my tears during first PT session when I saw her standing upright. She was moving like a snail, one small shuffling step at a time, but she was going forward, head up and deep breathing. 

Her entire recovery was painful, slow, and frustrating. She had several setbacks during the summer, but still it took a whole lot of us keep her sitting still to give her body the chance to heal. 

But still in all, when in church, she tried to dance, even with her walker and eventually with her cane. Nothing was going to stop her praise. 

She got increasingly better, month over month. By the end of the summer, she was back leading the Usher Board and singing in the women's choir. 

I watched her this past Sunday, singing about how the Lord has healed her body. I marveled at how upright she was standing and how fast her feet where moving as she praised up and down the aisle. I marveled at the miracle that is Phyllis Jackson, the miracle that God performed for her and how faithful He is. 

Because through all of it, she NEVER stopped giving God glory. NEVER stopped believing in her healing. NEVER gave up on God's promises. Even when literally standing at the threshold of death's door. 

So to you, who may be going through your own painful season, whether it is physical, emotional, or spiritual pain, NEVER give up on God. He has your healing at hand. Your breakthrough is just around the corner but you must endure until it comes. You have to keep praising, keep praying, keep worshipping and most importantly keep believing. 

I know it may seem like you've been going through for a long time, but trust God that He has something for you during this time. You are either maturing, growing your faith or stretching your arms towards Him. All things that move you towards His promise to you. 

Keep the faith. 

Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom also we have access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us. Romans 5:1-5

Keep dancing. 

In love, Mona

  

Pass the Stain Remover

If your house was like mine, you had a beautiful living room that you weren't allowed to step one foot in because it was for guests who never seem to come over even though they have a whole room assigned for their impending visit. 

Being the oldest of four, the living room was the only room that I could sneak off to and have some peace and quite. One day while seeking some solace from my sister's music and my brothers horse playing, I went into my mothers living room with a cup of red kook-aid, laid on the carpet and read a book. I heard a loud thump from upstairs, which startled me, causing me to drop the cup of red juice right on my mother's carpet. 

I hopped up and began to scrub the carpet with warm water and dish soap with no luck! I thought quickly, since I knew my mother would be home soon, and grabbed the large floor plant she had near by and moved it slightly over the spot covering it perfectly. Or so I thought. 

A week later my mother noticed the stain on her carpet. She quickly and loudly shouted my name and inquired about the stain. After explaining what had occurred my mother walked me through the steps of properly cleaning a stain and told me that by not cleaning it properly and covering it to hide it, I made removing the stain harder and although it would come clean it would take deeper and harder work to restore the carpet to a clean state. 

Reminiscing about that time in my childhood made me realize that many of us are like that with our Spiritual Father.  We do things that cause a stain on our spiritual garment and we try to take care of it on our own, and when we see that we can't, we try to cover it up, not knowing all along that our father "God" is just waiting on us to come to Him and tell him what we've done so that He can tell us what to do to clean it and make it right. 

The good news is it's not to late! You can still get it right and clean but it's just going to take some deeper and harder work to make it happen and if by chance you wait a little too long, replace the carpet and start over. No one knows but you and God. 

Be Blessed,
Sis Denise 

Flawed Logic

I have spent so much time staring at myself in the mirror counting up all of my physical flaws. From the kinky coils of my head to the surgical scar on my foot and every inch and pound in between. 

I have wondered if these lumps and bumps were the reason that I am still single. If the sagging and drooping of age had taken a final toll on the prospects of a love life. What do people see when they look at me? Certainly not what I see when I look at myself. 

And then He reminded me that I am "fearfully and wonderfully made." (Psalm 139:14)

I remembered that this body brought forth two beautiful children. These arms consoled friends through the tragedy of losing ones they loved. These knees bent in prayer for the heartbroken and lost. This behind sat down and these ears listened to stories of betrayal, assault, molestation and abandonment and these lips spoke life. 

This body, in part and as a whole,  has been used as God's instrument for His divine purpose. Who am I to question His creation. He who knew me before I was formed in my mother's womb?

"Mona," He whispered, "You are altogether beautiful, my darling. There is no flaw in you." (Song of Solomon 4:7)

My dearest woman or man of God, there is no flaw in you. Use your temple to uplift God and mankind. Be His chosen and flawless vessel. 

In love, 
Mona 

Removing the Bandaid

I recently re-read my entire blog. It was born in 2009 as I was trying to cope with my failing marriage. I am truly in awe of God when I look back at what I have gone through, thrived in and survived for the past 7 years. 

I once wrote a piece called "Looking Back" about how every now and again you need to look back to see how far you've come in your journey. It's so easy to ignore your growth and development in Christ - especially when you often feel like you're moving from crisis to crisis. But it is an important step to take so see that God has been bringing you along and moving your forward, even if you don't notice it. 

My journey to healing took a long, long time as I moved from faith to faithless and back again; from heartbreak and heartache to being heartened. Like the Children of Israel, I probably took ten times longer to get here than needed because of my stubbornness and stiff-necked ways. I went left when I should have gone right and ran when I should have walked but God was faithful anyhow. And here I sit, fingers moving along this same old raggedy but steady Macbook Pro keyboard, blogging as I have for the last 7 years. 

In the past years, I have suffered depression, near-ruin financially, an ill-planned move, my loss of faith. But as of now, I plan to look forward. I am removing the band-aid of my past blogs from my heart and mind because I have been healed. 

I was reminded that, like Jeremiah, I have a purpose and a destiny. "Then the Lord put forth His hand and touched my mouth, and the Lord said to me “Behold, I have put My words in your mouth. See, I have this day set you over the nations and over the kingdoms, to root out and to pull down, to destroy and to throw down, to build and to plant.” Jeremiah 1:9-10

I was reminded, like Timothy, that my lineage as rooted in the Gospel. "when I call to remembrance the genuine faith that is in you, which dwelt first in your grandmother Lois and your mother Eunice, and I am persuaded is in you also. Therefore I remind you to stir up the gift of God which is in you through the laying on of my hands." 2 Timothy 1:6-7

So stir up the gifts is what I am going to do. I don't consider myself a prophet or preacher by any stretch of the imagination. But I will speak what thus sayeth the Lord. Mostly he'll be talking to me about my own life and my own journey of faith and I'll just share with you what He says. 

For those of us who are feeling unnecessary and unloved God says “But you, Israel, are My servant, Jacob whom I have chosen, The descendants of Abraham My friend. You whom I have taken from the ends of the earth, And called from its farthest regions, And said to you, ‘You are My servant, I have chosen you and have not cast you away: Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’” Isaiah 41:8-10 

God has a purpose and a plan for your life. But you're not going to open your mailbox and find it there. You aren't going to find your soulmate in Wegmans - trust me I've looked - but you will find your purpose in the Bible. You will find it in your prayer time and in your meditation with the Holy Spirit. Seek and ye shall find. Ask God to show you WHO you are, WHOSE you are and WHY you are. He will reveal it. 

So we all have some work to do. Here's to our journey forward. 

In love, 
Mona 

My Final Influence

When I think about the people who have had the most influence in my life, I think of my dad Charles Jackson, my grandmother Jessie Ray, my aunt Clorica Moore and of course my mom Phyllis Jackson. Each of them taught me critical things about life and love. 

I'm a "daddy's girl" through and through. My relationship with my father was one of unconditional love and support. He taught me how to be me; how to love and respect myself and to know that I could do anything I set my mind to do. He taught me to speak my mind, believe in myself and trust my instincts. He embodied the creation of my self-esteem. He died on October 1, 1993 but not before shaping me permanently.

My grandmother was wisdom personified. Our relationship was unique in that as a child she was like my mother, but as an adult she was like my friend. We drank coffee and talked endlessly about love and life. She told me things about her life that she had never shared with any of her children. She could be free with me without constraints, and I with her. She embodied my nurturing side. She died on April 14, 2002. 

My aunt Clo was all about family. She loved, valued and appreciated her parents, siblings, nieces and nephews. I don't know if it was because she never had any children of her own but family was everything. She would get together and barbecue on Flag Day if it was up to her. She united us. She would give her last to anyone in need. She was selfless to a fault. She was very much a second mom to me and our relationship was much more than aunt/niece. She embodied my love for family and my desire to give. She died on December 8, 2008.

And then there's mom. I don't even have the ability to talk about all that mom is to me. She embodies fully helping me to understand and develop my relationship with God, my faith and my strengths. I would do her a disservice trying to write down how I feel about her. I just couldn't do it justice. 

I almost lost her recently. She had surgery and there were complications. Serious ones. I spent 45 minutes in the surgical waiting room thinking that she must have died because they were taking so long and not updating me. I stared down the hall waiting for the surgeon to walk out and tell me that she was gone. But she wasn't. But God.

Then I saw her in the ICU for several day on a breathing machine and I thought she wasn't going to make it through those nights. But she did. I saw her enduring pain that threatened to have her want to give up on life. But she didn't. God has other plans. 

But I am so mindful that it was close. Too close for comfort for me. And I know in my logical mind that she's on the road to recovery but this has been more difficult to process than I have been willing to let on. I don't let on because at the end of the day this isn't about me and maybe I'm just being selfish because I want my mom to live forever.  

But I am being selfish because I want my mom to live forever. 

Because I don't know how to do this without her. I don't even know what "THIS" is but whatever it is, I want her here to give me guidance and advice. To remind me of God's purpose for me. To show me exactly what it means to praise your way through. To help me understand the power of faith, how to count it all joy and how to claim your healing despite the circumstances. To encourage me in my gifts and to let me know again that God has a plan. To preach the house down. To be the mother to the motherless and a friend to the lonely. To claim other women's daughters as her own spiritually and to nurture them through. To be here. 

I am blessed that at nearly 48 I still have my mom, but she's the last one of Those Who Made Me and I'm not ready to let her go. 

"Her children rise up and call her blessed. Her husband also, and he praises her. “Many daughters have done well, but you excel them all.” Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing, but a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised. Give her of the fruit of her hands, and let her own works praise her in the gates." Proverbs 31:28-31 

In love, 
Mona

So What

They say that transparency is painful. For me it's terrifying. It seems easy to sit at your computer and type out all of your thoughts and feelings. And it is. It's often quite healing. But it's another thing entirely to post those thoughts to the internet and to share them with the world. It's exposing yourself on a whole other level. Not knowing what anyone will think or say about your fears and anxieties. Especially not knowing what Christians will think when you talk about trust issues with God, or faith failing you in times of crisis. But then I remember that this isn't about them, or about me. 

I've written about my loneliness before. But for the last several months this loneliness has taken on another layer. My dog Gizmo died in October. He was almost 15 and he lived a full and happy life. It was a truly hard thing to go through watching him literally lay down and die before my very eyes. Then 4 months later in February, I had to put my almost 13 year old dog Spike down. What an awful but necessary choice to have to make. Losing both of my beloved boys in 4 months left such a gaping hole in my life. 

All these years, I've said that it's just been me and the boys. When I came home, the boys were here. They were aging and slept a lot, but they were here. And now they aren't. And the silence in the house is deafening. They never barked but their absence is thick in the air. And I truly have never been more alone than I am right now. Never more lonely. 

When the kids were younger, I remember looking forward to the days when they would be grown and on their own, able to take care of themselves without me. It's what I spent their whole lifetimes preparing them for. But then it actually happened. They grew up and went out to forge their own futures. One is married and the other lives in a different city. They are happy and well-adjusted and healthy and making their own way in the world. It's everything I ever wanted. But I miss them. 

Brian and I are divorced. We are dear friends nowadays and I'm grateful for that. We check in on each other to make sure everything is good and I know we are better off than many divorced couples out there. But he's not here. 

I haven't been in a relationship in 16 months. So there's no boyfriend here either. 

No one is.

Don't get me wrong. I have family and friends and a great church family. But they aren't here either. They are all living their lives, like they are supposed to. It's just me. 

And lately I've been feeling the weight of that absence. I've been in church surrounded by families and music and The Word have felt the most alone ever. It's not good,

I cry about it sometimes. I yell at God about it sometimes, too but it doesn't change anything. Then Denise said "so what? God is good anyway."

"So what" is a place I'm working towards. I am praying for a "so what" spirit about my life, knowing that there is a purpose and a plan. And knowing that above all, it's God's timing. 

So pray with me that God develops this "so what" in my heart and mind while I wait for whatever He has in store. Or WHOever He has in store. 

In love, 

Mona

Left at the Gate

Recently my pastor spoke from Acts 3 about the lame man who was healed. 

"Now Peter and John went up together to the temple at the hour of prayer, the ninth hour. And a certain man lame from his mother’s womb was carried, whom they laid daily at the gate of the temple which is called Beautiful, to ask alms from those who entered the temple; who, seeing Peter and John about to go into the temple, asked for alms. And fixing his eyes on him, with John, Peter said, “Look at us.” So he gave them his attention, expecting to receive something from them. Then Peter said, “Silver and gold I do not have, but what I do have I give you: In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, rise up and walk.” Acts 3:1-6

Pastor Darryl's focus was on what Peter and John gave the man when they spoke to him with the authority of Jesus Christ. But I got stuck on verse 2: and a certain man lame from his mother’s womb was carried, whom they laid daily at the gate of the temple which is called Beautiful, to ask alms from those who entered the temple;

There were people who carried this man every single day to the gate of the temple. We have to assume they were his friends because they took him every day. And even if we assume that the man had been doing it for, let's say, 10 years, they would have carried this man to the gate 3,650 times. I think you develop quite a relationship doing that. 

But my question is how come these friends never took him inside the temple?  

Okay, okay, apparently the lame weren't allowed inside the temple because of some Old Testament stuff (see 2 Samuel 5:8 although David used 'lame and blind to talk about the Jebusites and not actual people with disabilities...) HOWEVER...that's not  my point. 

Sometimes we have to see that we have friends who will take us to the gate but not all the way into the temple. It would seem that the lame man's friends probably really wanted to take him inside, so that he could give praises to God, but they couldn't. They weren't able to. And we probably have some friends like that too. 

They want to take us further, push us further, support us further, but they can't for whatever reason. Maybe they haven't gone as far and don't know the way. Maybe they don't really want you to go as far as you can. Maybe their sole purpose in this life is to simply bring you to the gate and leave you there. They leave you there so you can meet your own Peter and John, saints of God who simply tell you with authority to get up and go inside on your own.  

I've been thinking a lot about friendships, and relationships, lately, how strong they are, what they endure, and how long they last. And I'm starting to see those who could only bring me to the gate and those who were waiting for me when I got there.  And truth be told I'm completely and utterly grateful for all of them. There hasn't been one relationship in my life that hasn't taught me a lifetime of lessons; some good and some bad. But I am wiser all the same. 

My relationship with my ex-husband is one that I thought would end after the divorce, but it hasn't. We are truly friends and we really will last 'until death do us part', just not as man and wife. And that's okay.

I have see-you-every-now-and-again-friends, I-like-your-status-on-Facebook friends, hey-we met-on-Twitter-but-you-are-cool friends, see-you-at-church friends, ride-or-die friends, and I-would-give-you-my-last-dollar friends. I'm happy for each and every one. Not all can bring me to the gate. Some don't even know there is a gate! But each one is a part of my journey towards it and through it. And I consider myself truly blessed.  

The poor man is hated even by his own neighbor, But the rich has many friends. Proverbs 14:20 

Be blessed, 
Mona 

  

 

 

Keep On Keeping On

For He shall give His angels charge over you, to keep you in all your ways. In their hands they shall bear you up, lest you dash your foot against a stone. Psalm 91:11-12

I'm a kept woman. At least that's what I realized these last few weeks. God has been keeping me in the small but important ways. 

My oil light had been flickering a little but I had chalked it up to a fuse issue that I've been having. Then the knocking noise started. It was at least a week or two before I put those two pieces together and checked my oil. It was BONE DRY! I knew from checking online the significant damage that could have been done to my car, even after only driving it a few miles like that, much less a few weeks. 

I am counting that as my own personal miracle. 

More importantly, it helps me to see all of the ways that God keeps me on a daily basis. It forces me to recognize that times that I was dead broke but never went hungry and managed to always have just enough gas in the car to get where I needed to be. It's the small concept of being kept safe from harm. 

But greatest of all, it's knowing that I did nothing to deserve it. It's all God's grace and mercy. I'm no better than anyone else. I didn't go to church more, or worship more or attend bible study more. It's just because He loves me. 

And sometimes that's a hard concept to wrap my head around. 

I'm grateful. Oh so grateful, for the little things. 

And I just thought I'd tell you about it. What little keeps are you grateful for? 

Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need. Hebrews 4:16 
 
In love, 
Mona