The Spiritual Me Chronicles: Kitchen Sink Praying

I began to wonder how I came to be the Spiritual Me that I am today. Who and what were the influences that helped to create me? How did I get here? I'm going to take a few posts to explore my influences. 

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My grandma Jessie was my first memory of Spiritual influence. Not only did she teach me the 23rd Psalm. But she also taught me the Lord's Prayer from Matthew 6

Our Father which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread.  And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever. Amen

But she did more than teach me to memorize the words, she modeled what prayer should look like.

I cannot count how many times I would come upon my grandma speaking in this kind of loud whisper, like she was talking to herself. She'd do it while she was standing at the kitchen sink washing dishes. She did it when she was standing over the stove cooking. She did it when she was hanging clothes out on the line. She did it everywhere and all the time. I remember as a very little girl asking, "who are you talking to Grandma?" and she'd say, "I'm talking to the Lord." 

She talked to God all of the time. All. of. the. time. Hear me when I say. It became such a normal thing for my childhood, to try and catch what grandma was saying to God. Of course I thought it was funny was I was little, watching my grandma talk to herself. I don't think I ever did make out what she was saying! 

And truly, looking back, it didn't matter what she said. What she was teaching me was that her relationship with God was not limited to Sunday mornings, or Wednesday night prayer meetings. Prayer wasn't reserved for kneeling by your bedside at night. Prayer was for all the time and in every circumstance and situation.

She took everything to God. She stayed before the Lord about her 5 children and her grandchildren, her husband, her family, her bills, her needs and wants. She wasn't shy about talking to Him anywhere and everywhere. And in doing that she showed me that God was *always* there, ever present and ever listening.

Imagine the power of learning from the beginning of your life that God's presence was near. That He was so accessible that all you had to do was open your mouth and talk. It didn't have to be from the pulpit. Your prayers are just as effective at the kitchen sink as they are at the altar.

When I think back on it, it was such a blessed thing to have experienced. To see how God used Jessie to set me up for becoming my Spiritual self. Because of course it didn't take long for me to find myself doing the very same thing when I got older. It was instinctual to do it. To pray in the car, or the shower, or at work or lying in bed or doing the laundry.

I hope Jessie knows how big of an impact she had on my when I was just a tiny little thing. Her teaching me not only the words to say but the fearlessness in saying them whenever and wherever.

Nothing fancy, no big words and demonstrations, just talking to God.

Thanks Grandma!

In love,
Mona

The Spiritual Me Chronicles: Grandma Jessie

I began to wonder how I came to be the Spiritual Me that I am today. Who and what were the influences that helped to create me? How did I get here? I'm going to take a few posts to explore my influences. 

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My first true biblical memory was my grandmother, Jessie Ray, teaching me the 23rd Psalm. I don't even remember how old I was. Maybe 3 or 4, I guess. She kept reciting it to me over and over, verse by verse, until I had memorized every word. We did it night after night, in our nightgowns, nestled together in her twin bed, her reading from a little pocket-sized bible, for I don't know how long.

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.

He maketh me to lie down in green pastures;

He leadeth me beside the still waters.

He restoreth my soul;

He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies; 

Thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever. Amen

Funny thing is, to this very day, it's the first thing I think of when I'm afraid. It's my go-to scripture when things are topsy turvy or when I don't know what to do or where to go. I shout it when I'm riding on a scary roller coaster ride, or when I find out that a friend has died from cancer. It's what I say to calm myself when I wake up from a nightmare and when I don't know what else to say in times of trouble. 

It represents for me the presence of comfort. The warmth and comfort of grandma's lap. The memory of the top of her dresser, full of lipstick tubes, a brush, hair grease and lotion; a bottle of Timeless perfume by Avon and a round container of sweet powder with its white puff. The smell and feel of her makeup sponge that she wiped on her face. Her foam wig head. My Jessie.

I wonder why, of all of the chapters and verses in the bible, did she choose this one? Could she have known of its power to calm me? Surely she didn't know I would think of her every time I said it and that it would remind me of the simple times of childhood.

What was she trying to teach me?

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want 

He makes me

He leads me

He restores me

He comforts me 

He prepares for me

He anoints me

His goodness and mercy follows me 

It's reminds me of her comfort and ultimately teaches me about God's comfort.

 

I'm surprised how often I have to remind myself that God is in control. That He is at the end of my life looking backwards. The 23rd Psalm speaks to all that God does to bring me through. What an amazing first lesson. 

Jessie taught me so much more. We'll delve into it all bit by bit. 

In love,

Mona  

Watch Night

I went to church on New Year's Eve. A Watch Night service at Joint-Heirs Kingdom Ministries where my mom attends. Before that night I had been to a Sunday church service once in 2012 and not any time in 2011 (not including attending funerals). I don't even know what compelled me to go. And I was seriously compelled, from within. I said "I'm going to church tonight" even without wanting to say it. And I couldn't stop myself from going.

JHKM is a small but powerful ministry. It felt good to be there. I was a little nervous at first. I know no one expects God to strike you with lightning for not going to church, but you never want to chance it!! But the music was soul-stirring and uplifting. I let go soon enough and just hoped that I could find myself again.

The pastor, Darryl Carter, kept asking if anyone had a testimony. I almost stood up 5 times, but I resisted. I didn't want to be so cliche as to not go to church in 2 years and then cry my eyes out about it in front of strangers. So I kept my seat. The Word was great. People spoke about getting into position and getting ready for battle and moving forward. Everything I needed to hear. Everything I wanted to hear. 

At midnight we celebrated "making it over" and church kept right on. We kept trying to wrap it up, but you know it is when God is moving. I had a fantastic time. I felt at home. 

God spoke a Word to me that early morning. A word that was ominous but powerful. Not scary but necessary. He said some things thru Pastor Carter that could have only come from God, because this pastor doesn't know me from Adam. And I heard that Word. Every syllable. 

And after not feeling like God was speaking to me for such a long time, I was a sweet sound in my ear, in my heart and through my soul. 

Surprisingly, I went back the following Sunday. 

Who knows, this might just become a habit. 

Be blessed,
Mona

Nevertheless

I know lots of Christians don't believe in horoscopes or astrology. Indulge me. I'm a Virgo (born between August 22-September 23). And most descriptions of Virgo tend to include words like analytical, precise, independent, frank, honest and critical. We worry. A lot. We are often described as control freaks and perfectionists. Yeah...pretty much.

I am all of those things. And more. But I am most assuredly an independent control freak. I like to take care of myself and everything around me. I like to be in control of my surroundings and my destiny. 

I like to be in control. Like Janet

Being a person who likes to be... no, NEEDS to be, in control of everything sometimes makes this Christian walk a very difficult one.

Trusting God, and His Word, means giving up control. I used to think I did that. I would constantly say 'not my will, but your will be done' but I didn't mean it. I said I wanted His will for my life, but I meant as long as it was what I wanted. As long as it His promises were fulfilled right away. As long as it looked like I wanted it to look like. 

I never meant it for real. 

Probably the only one who ever really meant it was Jesus.
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Then Jesus came with them to a place called Gethsemane, and said to the disciples, “Sit here while I go and pray over there.” And He took with Him Peter and the two sons of Zebedee, and He began to be sorrowful and deeply distressed. Then He said to them, “My soul is exceedingly sorrowful, even to death. Stay here and watch with Me.”

He went a little farther and fell on His face, and prayed, saying, “O My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from Me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as You will. Matthew 26:36-39
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Jesus actually meant that. He was serious in that He knew that everything He was going to face after He left the Garden at Gethsemane was going to be harsh, brutal and torturous. His flesh would want to avoid that at all costs. But He knew it had to happen. His spirit was aware of the implications and He made the choice to go forward. In full knowledge of what was to come and with All Power to stop it at any time. 

Because it wasn't for Him. It was for us. 
Nevertheless, not His will but God's will be done. 
Nevertheless.
In spite of. 

Learning to walk in God's will is excruciatingly hard for someone like me. Because I have to have my hand in all things Mona. I like to direct the movie that is my life. I want to dictate all of the ins and outs - and if you ask my friends and family, I like to direct their lives too. *shrug*

But recent events have helped me learn what 'nevertheless' really means. Leaving DC and moving home, not being able to find a job, having to rely on the kindness of friends and family to help me pay bills, keep gas in the car and food in the fridge. I have been brought to a low that I never thought possible. 

No one brought me here. I did this on my own, in my attempts to control my life outside of what I know is God's will. 

Humility is a terrible, scary, awful thing. But in humility I was able to really recognize the hand God has in my life. It was only in this low place was I able to see and appreciate the generous spirit of everyone in my life. Only from down here could I look up and see God in every one of my relationships. My ex-husband, my children, my parents, my friends have all done exceedingly above and beyond anything I would have expected of them. I am grateful. 

Despite not having any income or unemployment, and difficulty in finding a job, I have been sustained. I have had to learn to trust that God will provide. I have learned to understand that if I let Him, His will can be done. It will be done.

I do not for one minute believe that God put me in this place. No. I did that on my own. For certain. I am dealing with the consequences of my own actions. But God is here nevertheless.

I have found God's mercy and grace. In spite of not doing anything to earn it.

I know that He loves me. In spite of my very vocal doubts and fears. 

I am confident that He has a purpose and a plan for my life. In spite of me not fully trusting in this before. 

It has been a painful, depressing, sad, tragic journey  to this place of 'nevertheless'. I wish I could say I would make the same decisions if I had to do it all over again, but this is not a place for lies. I wouldn't. I most assuredly would try to trust God without all this mess. 

But I have learned some valuable life lessons inside of this mess. I learned that asking for help will not kill me dead. I learned that people will do whatever it takes to help me.  I learned that love is not dependent on the ability to pay back a debt. I learned that divorce does not end a 30 year friendship. I learned that what you invest in your relationships and your children, reaps a great reward. I learned that people love me. 

And I fear I have more to learn. But I am more ready for them than ever before. I am ready to begin to look at 'nevertheless' in a whole new way. 

Because apparently it's not about me anyway. 

Nevertheless, not my will, but His will be done. 

And I mean it this time. 

A Man Had Two Daughters

Many of us are familiar with the story of the Prodigal Son as told in Luke 15: 11-32. 

A man had two sons. His youngest son decides he wants to go off on his own and see the world. He asks his father for his share of his inheritance. His father gives it to him and off he goes, parties hard and squanders everything. Eventually the land he is in suffers a famine and he is left starving and is left to feed pigs. He's so hungry he wants to eat their slop. He comes to his senses and knows that his father has servants who eat 3 square meals a day. He decides to go back to his father to declare that he had sinned again God and him, beg his forgiveness and to ask, not to be his son again, but to simply get a job as a servant. Of course the father sees him and lays out a magnificent party for him, ordering the fatted calf to be killed in his honor. 

The oldest son finds out and refuses to attend the party. He confronts his dad saying "I have been here working day in and day out. I've done everything you've ever asked of me and I don't get so much as a goat. And this fool blows all of his cash and you throw him this celebration? Nah!"

The father tells him that everything he has belongs to him but his brother was once dead and now is alive. That is reason to celebrate!

And so?

Well upon hearing this story, as told by Andy Stanley, I realized that I have been both of these brothers within the last few years. And I think many of us have.

Rewind back to 2009-2010 when I was fighting hard for my marriage. God gave me a word and things to do and ways to behave. I did everything God asked me to do. I prayed, I praised, I worshipped, I trusted, I believed and I waited. And waited. And waited. To no avail. The restoration I was told was coming didn't come. In fact, situations arose that made restoration seemed completely impossible. 

And I got pissed. I confronted God and reminded Him that I had done everything he asked me to do. I was there, daily, on my knees and in worship. I was walking in blind faith, believing and trusting. I did what I was supposed to do. "How could you not give me what I was asking for. How could I believe in You anymore when I felt that You had lied to me. Betrayed me. Set me up for a fall. Not even a goat? Nah!"

So what did I do? I become the Prodigal One. I literally sold nearly everything I had a left for a faraway place. Well DC, but you get my meaning. I left behind all of the pain and sorrow and sadness and memories of the previous years. Or so I thought. But, like anyone who runs away and doesn't face up to the truth, a lot of reality hit me in the face. 

The decisions I made caused a lot of financial problems and I just wasn't happy there. Not as happy as I could be or should be. I missed my family and friends. I squandered everything and though I never got to the point where I was starving and had to feed pigs, I was spiritually starved and anxious for the love and comfort of those who knew and loved me. 

After a long tearful talk with my daughter, I called my mom and told her I wanted to come home. While there was no fatted calf killed on my behalf, my family and friends were, and still are, celebrating my return. 

Things financially are still a mess, but God is faithful. I have been without a job for 3 months. There is still a roof over my head, the lights are still on, I'm not hungry, the water is still running and I am making it. There is no explanation for it but that God Himself is glad that I'm home. He has proclaimed that I was once dead and now I am alive. Maybe the fatted calf is in Heaven, along with that grand celebration. 

He is working it out. This I know.

As for that restoration. I know he's working that out too. I just have to wait. And trust. And believe. 

If He said it, then it is. 

Why Faith

Back a while I kept hearing from God that I was going to be restored; that my marriage was going to be restored. It was Jeremiah 33. I kept getting it over and over and over. I prayed on it, meditated on it and believed on it with all of my heart and soul. It was going to come to pass. It just was because God said it was. Done. 

Then I found out something about my husband that shattered my belief in Jeremiah 33. And if God had meant that restoration then why did this thing occur? How could there be restoration after this? No way.

Then the questions started. Did God really say that? Did I hear it right? Maybe I made up that whole thing in my head, in my desperation to get my marriage back. What was I hearing? If I was only hearing my own sad and pitiful attempts to hold on to something, then maybe nothing I ever heard was real. 

Maybe God wasn't real. How could I even know now? 

If God was real, why would he promise me restoration only to have it shattered right before my eyes? I asked God for answers and got nothing in return. I cried, cussed, begged, pleaded, cajoled and wailed for a response. Anything to hold on to. Anything to keep on believing. I got nothing. 

I was so angry. At God for giving me false hope. At myself for deceiving my own thoughts. And God some more for not showing me something to keep on going. 

SHOW ME ANYTHING. SAY SOMETHING. ANYTHING...... nothing.

How? Why? I don't get it. 

Worse I was surrounded by all kinds of Christian platitudes about why God becomes silent. How Christians have to have desert experiences. Maybe I didn't believe enough. Maybe I didn't have enough faith. Maybe it wasn't God's time. Maybe I didn't do everything God wanted me to do. Maybe maybe maybe. Forget that.

So all the blame falls on me. Okay then. So when I seek God and ask Him to show me what to do, how to do it and when - and I hear nothing. Then who is really to blame? 

I asked for clarity, guidance, whatever I need to do. Nothing. 

Where did I go wrong God? Nothing. 

Am I on the wrong track God? Nothing.

I am scared I am losing faith, God. Nothing.

I am scared I am start to not believe, God. Nothing.

Show me a reason to believe, God. Nothing. 

Maybe there is no God. Nothing. 

Truth be told, I actually wanted to not believe anymore. I wanted the freedom from the constraints of religion and spirituality that atheists have. I wanted it so badly. But try as I might I could not let it go. 

That's insanity. I had no reason to believe. God clearly didn't care if I believed anymore since all of my efforts to get Him to tell me otherwise fell on deaf ears, so to speak. Why in God's name would I still believe? 

...

...

...

...

Because I do. 

The whole of my life's experiences demand it. The things I have seen and felt and known in my life prove it. Once, a long time ago, I confessed that Jesus Christ died on the cross for my sins, rose again and is sitting on the right hand of God. I confessed that Jesus Christ was my Lord and Savior. And in doing so guaranteed that all my sins were washed away.

I didn't say He was my Savior, but only if things went my way. 

I didn't say He was my Savior, when I felt good and things were good.

I didn't say He was my Savior, only when I could hear His voice and sing His praises.

I said He was and He is. 

And if God never speaks another word to me; if he never does another thing for me; if never intercedes for me, He did send His Son to die on the cross for me. 

And that is enough. 

But I know that God has a purpose and plan for my life. I know the plans he has for me are good and not evil. I know that before I was formed in my mother's womb He knew me and set me apart. I know that I know that I know. No matter what.

That's why faith.

Faith? Faith Hill maybe.

This blog is called Fanning the Flames of Faith. What happens when the blogger, me, loses faith? What do I do? Do I change the name of the blog? I don't know.


It's weird to write that I have lost my faith. It such a foreign concept to me, to lose faith. But I guess it happens to everyone at some point in time. I can't imagine my mom reading this, or any of my best friends, reading this and really understanding what a huge moment this is for me. 


I can't say that I have lost all faith. I mean the bible says that God gives each of a mustard seed of faith. So I guess it's more accurate to say that all I feel left with it that little teeny tiny mustard seed of faith. Everything else, that storehouse of faith I used to have, has long since been depleted. I guess there was a tiny little crack in the wall of my storehouse and all of my faith started leaking out. I even know what caused the crack. It was the moment I realized that all that I had been blogging about, all that I had been praying for, the restoration of my marriage, was not going to happen. Nothing I did, said, prayed or believed was going to put Humpty Dumpty back together again. It cracked my wall and all of my faith started pouring out.


I could feel it happen. In fact, if I think about it, it wasn't even a slow leak of my faith. It was really more like a mad rush, like water busting through a dam. Oh maybe it was a dribble at first but it grew and grew and grew until one day I was all out of faith. 


I am all out of it right now. I have a whole lot of awful going on in my life at the moment. I will eventually get into it. But right now I'll start with the confession that my little blog about faith is going to be a little different for a while. 


I am deep in a hole. A hole of despair and sadness and shame and anxiety and loneliness. I can't see or hear God right now. I am bordering on losing all of my belief. I'm in a vicious circle of not being able to pray but knowing, logically, that I need to pray. I can't. I can yell at God. I can rant and rave about this hole I'm in. But I can't pray and I certainly can't praise. I can't see my way forward. I can't see how this gets any better. 


And I have to start talking about this or lose what's left of my mind. 


If you believe, then pray for me. If you trust, then trust for me. If you sing, then sing for me. If you hope, then hope for me. Because I am all out. I can't right now. 


Back later.

Been a while

It's been a long while since I've blogged here on this site. I've been through so much since June 26, 2009. I have been divorced, had my daughter graduate from high school and start college and I've relocated myself away from home.

There's been a lot of distance between me and God during that time. A lot of anger, pain, resentment and mistrust. It's time he and I started to deal with that and determine what it means for my spiritual life.

So my entries now will, I hope, help me in this self-examination and God-examination - as I explore what it means to fight it out with God.

I don't know where this will go or how it will end, but it's time to start facing Him, and myself.

Here we go.

Dream Deferred

What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up

Like a raisin in the sun?

Or fester like a sore--

And then run?

Does it stink like rotten meat?

Or crust and sugar over--

like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags

like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?

~ Langston Hughes

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What does happen to your dreams when they don't come true? What happens when all that you have prayed for just doesn't come to pass? What do you do?

Funny thing is I don't have the answer. I'm looking for it. I had a dream and *poof* it just disappeared. Did it go into thin air, somewhere off into the atmosphere? Is it floating just above my head, but just out of my grasp? Is it buried beneath my feet, down in the dark cold earth? Did it sink down into the bottom of the ocean, suffocating among the seaweed and kelp? Where is it?

I wonder if that's what happened to my dreams because that's how I feel. One moment I feel as though I'm floating above, watching my own suffering below. Other times I feel buried underneath the cold weight of sadness. And yet again sometimes I feel as though I have been holding my breath for so long under water that my lungs are about to explode.

So this blog is supposed to be about faith and devotion. And at this moment I am searching for a spiritual meaning to the deferral of my dreams. What is God's divine purpose?

I HAVE NO IDEA

Right now I'm ticked with God. He knows and I know it so let's not pretend otherwise. I mean it was a pretty important dream. It wasn't a dream to win the lottery or anything like that. It was a dream that had meaning and substance and value and purpose. This dream had past and present and future. It has history. It was a yesterday, today and tomorrow dream. But it is no more. And so now what?

I am devoid of understanding right now. I miss my dream and it's only minutes old in it's death. I simply can't grasp it right now.

But as miserable as I am right now; as angry and confused and sad as I am. I still know that God has a purpose and a plan for my life. Even though I may be stopped dead in my tracks I hold on to the fact that before I was formed in my mother's womb He knew me and set me apart. My faith may be shaken, but it's not broken. I know that the thoughts that God has towards me are good and not evil; that He plans to prosper me and not harm me. That He has for me hope and a future.

My teary eyes may not be able to see that future. It may be blurry right now but I know that it is there. And it's that implanted hope that will get me up tomorrow morning. And the next day and the next day and the next, until His plan bears out.

But until then pray for me. Pray my continued strength in the Lord.

In love,

Mona

Looking Back

Everyone has a beginning. God said in Jeremiah 1:5, “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart.”

That is your beginning. A moment of thought in God’s mind. A fleeting speck of time so small that we can’t even think it or imagine it with our little brains. It was in that 1 billionth of a nanosecond that you began. Because God *thought* you.

And what did He think? He said in Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope – to bring you to an expected end.”

In a piece of time that we can’t even fathom, God thought you. He thought peace for you. He thought about your future. He placed in you hope. And you were still only a thought, an idea, a figment of His imagination and He already had a plan.

So you were born. Some of you into poverty. Some into the middle class. Maybe some rich. Some to a single mom. Some to a two-parent home. Some to an alcoholic. Some to a drug addict. Some to a teacher. Some to a prostitute. Some of you had blond hair. Others had brown hair. Some had naps and some had curls. Some had brown eyes and others had blue or green. Some were early and some were late.

But the one thing each of us has in common is that we were all born with a soul already hardwired with the hope and future that God thought for us. Each of us was born with a mustard seed of faith and a yearning in our heart for God.

And so we grew up. We grew from Mother May I to I wish my mother would get off my back.

From big wheels to texting behind the wheel

From baby dolls to Come on Baby, if you loved me you would

From EZ Bake Oven to a bun in the oven

From Ring Around the Rosie to with this ring I thee wed.

From Duck Duck Goose to duck, there’s goes my husband

From hopscotch to I’ll have another scotch

From kickball to an eight ball

Life happens. Real life on this planet ruled by evil. We steal. We lie. We act up on our jobs. We smoke weed or crack, we drink, we gamble, we have sex, we get abused and we abuse others. We abort babies. We mistreat our loved ones. We cheat on our tests and our spouses too.

We sin.

We lose our faith. We can’t feel our hope and we throw away our future. We forget.

But no matter how down and out we get, no matter how low. No matter how sick and tired of being sick and tired we get, one day something inside of us cries out to the Lord.

Remember me
Remember me
Ohhh, ohh Lord
Remember me

This is how we used to start service at St Paul Baptist Church in Geneva when I was a kid. Someone would moan:

Remember me
Remember me
Ohhh, ohh Lord
Remember me

Father I stretch
My hands to thee
No other, no other help
I know

And God remembered.

He remembered that we thought of Him one lonely night, even while we were drunk or high or laying up in that bed. He remembered that He heard our mamas and our grandmamas praying for us every night and every Sunday morning in church.

He remember all that He had planted inside of us in that moment so long long ago. He remembered that He sent His Son to die on the Cross for our every sin. He remembered that we were His children.

And in that 1 billionth of a nanosecond that it took to remember, our past was erased. God said that as far as the East is from the West is how far He has separated our sins from us. He said He would cast all our sins in the depths of the sea.

And so we begin to travel down a new road. Fresh start. Clean slate. New mercy.

The problem is that God cast our sins away, but not our memories. Not our friends. Not our families. Not our neighborhoods. Not all of the bars, crackhouses or dealers. Not this world.

All of that is still there. Calling to us from the past. Some days it feels like it’s barreling down on us. Breathing right down our necks. Do we dare to look back?

Yes and No

Sometimes you gotta look back just to see how far you’ve come. You gotta peek back and see that’s it’s been a week since you had a drink. It’s been 6 weeks since you cussed anybody out. It’s been 3 months since you smoked a little weed. It’s been 9 months since you chose not to abort that baby. It’s been a year since you stopped using sex as a weapon. It’s been 5 years since you put that crack pipe down. It’s been 17 years since you let a man beat you. It’s been 25 years since you’ve been molested. It’s been 42 years since God had that first thought about me.

Oh yeah, you gotta peek back there every now and again to understand where God has brought you from. You take a glimpse back but you keep it moving forward.

You don’t turn back. You don’t go back. Sometimes the past is so familiar and so normal that some days it may seem easier to just turn back. Sinning is easy. Making the tough choice to do right is hard.

Sodom and Gomorrah is your past. God destroyed it with raining fire. It’s just ashes now. It’s done and over with.

God’s chosen path for your life is ahead of you. It’s through the desert sometimes, but it’s ahead. It’s around a corner you can’t see, but it’s ahead. It’s through struggles, but it’s ahead.

And yes, you might walk through the shadow of valley of death, but don’t fear, God is with you. He orders the steps of a good man and good woman. And though you fall, you will not be cast down because the Lord holds you up with His hand.

God’s purpose for your life is ahead not behind. The lives you will affect are in front of you. The souls you bring to kingdom are ahead. The full use of your gifts and callings are to come.

Your past is behind you and its purpose is to push you forward; to keep you pressing towards the goal. (Phil 3:13-14) But you can’t live back there rehashing all the things you have done or have been done to you.

God said forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland. (Isaiah 43:18-19)

But be confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. (Philippians 1:6)

Keep moving forward.

In love,

Mona

The Hand

My father listened to all kinds of music. I was lucky enough to be exposed to jazz, blues, rhythm & blues, country, pop and even a little classical. He even managed to throw in some spoken word with Nikki Giovanni and Gil Scott Heron. One artist that he listened to a lot, and who is in my iPod right now is Bill Withers. He has a song called Grandma's Hand that can still make me cry today.

This song reminded me so much of my own grandma Jessie, who I was very very close to. She died April 14, 2002 but she is still so much a part of my life. But mostly my prayer life. She used to literally pray under her breath all day long. While cooking, cleaning or whatever, you could hear her soft whispered words calling out to the Lord. Funny thing is I do the same thing today. I miss her.

My favorite verse from the song is "Grandma's Hands used to lift her face and tell her, "Baby, Grandma understands that you really love that man. Put yourself in Jesus hands"

No matter what we're going through, that is what we need to do: PUT OURSELVES IN GOD'S HANDS!

In God's hand there is security. "He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken." Psalm 62:2

In God's hand there is peace. "You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you." Isaiah 26:3

In God's hand there is strength. "God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble." Psalm 46:1

In God's hand there is rest. "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28

In God's hand there is safety. "My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me. And I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; neither shall anyone snatch them out of My hand. My Father, who has given them to Me, is greater than all; and no one is able to snatch them out of My Father’s hand. I and My Father are one.” John 10:27-30

To put yourself in God's hands requires that you surrender all of yourself to Him. That you knowingly and consciously decide that you want His will and not your own. That you will trust Him completely in all things and that you will wait on Him.

Once you totally surrender it all to Him, you will find yourself at peace. There is peace in knowing that God's perfect will for your live is at hand. God knows the plans He has for you. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Just call upon Him and pray to Him. He will listen.

Put yourself in His Hands and wait. But while you're waiting, praise, pray and worship!

In love,

Mona

L.O.V.E.

L.O.V.E

I’ve been loving someone all of my life. I love my mom, my dad, my brother, my grandparents and all the rest of the family. I didn’t know really what it meant as a child. I just knew they were there for me whenever I needed them. I loved without plan. It just was.

I had a son, Andrew, when I was 18. I guarantee you that he introduced me to a love that has no definition. A love that makes you do the unthinkable and think the un-doable to ensure his survival.

Not too long after Andrew, I would find my soulmate, Brian. A man that I know was given to me from God. He rescued me from me and I found out about a whole different kind of love. A love that sacrifices and builds and bonds and creates and upholds. It was a love of choice.

And then my daughter Aja came and another dimension of love was added. A love that engendered protection and encouraging and strengthening and uplifting. A “girls rule” kind of love that only she and I share.

And of course there is my love of God. A love so personal and deep and surrounding that I couldn’t really express it properly, so I won’t even try.

I thought I knew what love was; until I came close to losing it. And then God talked to me about loving. Not just when things are good, but truly loving when things are ruff. When mortgages are being foreclosed; when marriages are on the rocks; when children are on drugs; when the ones we trust betray us, when jobs are nowhere to be found; when your friends turn their backs on you. That’s when the loving gets hard but when it is needed the most.

And as God is prone to do, He gave us some information and instructions about love. But lesson #1 is that God is love and you are from God so you are love. What love is, God is and you are. What loves does, God does and so do you. So when I say love I mean we!

He said:

Love is patient: that means we wait; we endure; we don’t fret

Love is kind: we are gentle and considerate; we speak life

Love does not envy: we don’t want what we can’t have. We don’t begrudge another people their successes or their gifts

Love does not boast: we don’t take all the credit for the good and we don’t go around bragging about what we do and what we have

Love is not proud: we don’t walk around thinking we’re better than others. We’re not high and mighty

Love is not rude: we don’t talk to people any kind of way

Love is not self-seeking: we’re not selfish and only putting our needs and desires ahead of others

Love is not easily angered: We must have long fuses and we don’t go off on each other at the drop of a hat. We have self control

Love keeps no record of wrongs: We don’t keep a mental notebook of every time someone did or said something that hurt us. WE FORGIVE

Love does not delight in evil: We do not wish ill on others.

Love rejoices with the truth: We tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth – and not just our version of the truth.

Love always protects: We take care of each other

Love always trusts: We believe and have faith that God will do just what He said He is going to do

Love always hopes: We confidently expect our destiny to be fulfilled

Love always perseveres: We stand even in the face of obstacles. We survive

Love never fails: We ain’t going nowhere!

We can be the most eloquent speaker, preacher and teacher of all time, but if we are not speaking life to those are dying, our words are meaningless noise.

We might be able to speak prophesies from the heavens and hear the Holy Spirit like we hear me now, and have the faith of all the ages but if we can’t love those who hate us then we are nothing.

We can give away all of our shoes, purses, houses and throw ourselves on the fire for a great cause, but if we can’t show the love of God to everyone then we get nothing in return.

But all of these things will eventually go away and only three things will be left; faith, hope and love. And we know that the greatest of these is love. God is the greatest of these. You are the greatest of these. We are the greatest of these.

L.O.V.E. Love Overcomes Virtually Everything

In love,

Mona

Dori's Mustard Seed

Faith. What a huge five-letter word. F A I T H

The bible says "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1. Now I understand that to mean that faith is the foundation of all that I hope for and that I believe, without a shadow of doubt, in what I cannot yet see.

I believe that faith is the very essence of our Christian walk. It is by faith that we believe in God and the Bible as the God-breathed Word of truth. It is by faith that we believe in the life, death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. By faith we believe that we are saved by the Blood of the Lamb and are assured a home in Heaven after this life is done. And I have faith in these things to the very core of my being. You could not change my mind about them, not ever.

I got the big stuff down pat. But every day normal faith can be hard for me. As soon as something doesn't go the way I think it should go, my faith gets a little shaken. When I want to go north and everything starts to go south, then my faith starts to shake, rattle and roll. I have questioned my faith. I'm not ashamed to admit it either. Why do I question? Because I lose sight of God's purpose. Especially when God has said A and everything around me says Z.

But true faith is that un-wavering belief in God's plan for your life, no matter what is happening around you. Faith says "I know what God has said. I know what I see and hear and it doesn't matter because I know what God has said." THAT IS HARD!

The enemy knows it's hard and he is working overtime to keep you to focused on what you see and hear with your natural eyes and ears; NOT what God has spoken over your life or what you know to be true in Spirit. He figures if he gets you to question, gets you to lose faith, you'll give up on God and His plan.

Well the enemy can't take from God. The Lord gave each of us a measure of faith. So no matter how shaky your faith gets, you will always have that measure. It's that measure that tells you to get up and keep it moving.

Jesus said, "I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." Matthew 17:20

I get knocked down and I get back up. That's faith. I get disappointed and remain hopeful. That's faith. I get angry at God and get on my knees to tell Him so. That's faith. I am consumed by sadness but keep praying. That is faith.

I don't know where the road is going but I keep walking anyway. That's faith.

Not my will, God, but Your will be done. That's faith.

It doesn't matter if things don't look like they are working out. God is making a way. All you have to do is....

z

Doesn't matter what it looks like, feels likes, tastes like or smells like right now. Just keep going. Keep praying. Keep praising. Keep worshipping. Keep reading. Keep believing.

Just keep swimming, in faith.

"We live by faith, not by sight." 2 Corinthians 5:7

In love,

Mona

Liar Liar Pants on Fire

There's no cute story today. Just some hard truth-telling. Pray for me, because the enemy does not like to be exposed. But here it is...

#1 The devil is a liar. There, I said it. He is and the sooner we admit it the better off we'll be. My mom says, "Tell the truth and shame the devil." Well it's time.

"He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native tongue, for he is a liar and the father of lies." John 8:44

The enemy has had me bound and I didn't even know it. I thought that because I go to church, and worship and pray that the enemy could not have his hands on me. Boy was I wrong. He was so slick about it that I didn't even notice it. Imagine that every negative human emotion we feel is like a piece of string. Every time I felt a negative emotion the enemy would tie together a piece of string. Every bout of anger, resentment, frustration, hatred, apathy, sadness, self-pity, disgust or doubt made my bits of string into twine. Then into rope. Then into chains. And it was with those chains that he entangled me within myself. All the while telling me that I was never going to be free. That I was never going to get the desires of my heart. That God wasn't listening.

#2 The devil is a thief. He wants to take everything that you have.

"The thief comes only to steal, kill and destroy." John 10:10

I have always known that he wanted to steal my joy. I've heard that time and time again. But I didn't notice that he was also trying to steal my peace, my sanity, my trust, my faith, my family, my relationships, my mind and my soul.

And the worst part about it is that I didn't even realize what was happening. All this time I had been praying for all kinds of things. I had put my problems on the altar so many times. I had asked God to have His way in my situation. I had given myself over to God's will rather than my own. I had repented often and asked for forgiveness plenty, but I never once asked God to break the chains and heal the wounds. How could I have? I didn't know they were there! Sure I had spoken about not letting me be angry or resentful and stuff anymore. But I had no idea about the long-term affects of these feelings from the past.

Thankfully God revealed to me that the next stage of my growth and development relied on seeing this truth and acting on it. I had to ask God to unlock the chains and to remove the enemies hold on my mind. But I also had to ask him to heal the many, many wounds that created the chains in the first place. All of that old crap that I've been holding on to. Every hurt words spoken to me, every pain inflicted by someone else, every betrayal and broken trust - all created the chains that held me down. Silent chains of animosity and resentment kept me from moving forward in true freedom.

Now that the chains are breaking and the wounds are healing. It's time to get back my stuff from the enemy. Ty Tribbet says it best "I want it all back. Everything that you took from me, I want it!" And I will get it back. God put a provision in the bible for someone stealing from me.

"Yet, if he is caught, he must pay sevenfold, though it costs him all the wealth of his house." Proverbs 6:31

So when I am restored, I will have seven times more peace, seven times more love, seven times a stronger marriage, seven times more joy and I'll love seven times stronger and longer! Perhaps my prayer life will be seven times more effective and I'll forgive seven times faster. I will have seven times the faith and trust and maybe...just maybe, I'll end up seven times saner.

Oh, one last truth...

#3 The devil is defeated.

"And the devil, who deceived them, was thrown into the lake of burning sulfur, where the beast and the false prophet had been thrown. They will be tormented day and night for ever and ever." Revelations 20:10

But until that time, dig deep and expose the wounds that created the chains you have. Seek the healing of the Lord. Confront the enemy's lies and expose him. Then go about getting back all that he has stolen from you. Your innocence, your trust, your childhood, your children, whatever.... Get it back, sevenfold.

Ty also said something else that I love...

"Devil, if you only knew what I was gonna be after the storm, you wouldn't have even bothered me. But now I'm stronger and I've got more power. I'm a little bit wiser and I've got more strength. I got the anointing. Got God's favor and I'M STILL STANDING and I want everything back!

I'M still standing.
I'm STILL standing.
I'm still STANDING!

Where's my stuff?

In love,
Mona