Peeking Out From A Hole

I haven't blogged in almost 6 months. Truth be told, my laptop has been dead since March and I haven't even had the desire to turn it on. I've been down a hole for awhile now, and where normally blogging helps me through, I just didn't have any words. 

I've been feeling useless, unappreciated, not respected or valued. I let people get in my head. I've toyed with leaving my church for various reasons. My job too. No reason that would make me feel any better though. It's probably just the hole talking. It's probably just realizing that I am almost fifty and some people still treat me as though I was a child. That my voice isn't heard. That people don't seem to realize that I'm a middle-aged woman with two grown children, who has lived on both coasts. That I have traveled to Europe, Asia, the Caribbean, and more. Some people just don't take me seriously and it started to weigh me down. 

I know. I know. I'm not supposed to focus on them. I'm supposed to remember who God says I am. I'm supposed to realize that HE doesn't see me that way. But that's tough sometimes. Tough when you feel dismissed. Tough when you feel unseen and unheard. You begin to question your own worth. You begin to remember all the ways you messed up. You wonder if those people are justified in how they are. THEY ARE NOT!

Yes I've made mistakes, but I not solely those mistakes. If anything, today I am the culmination of all the good and bad choices that I've made these last fifty years. I am the sum total of my family, my friends, my work, my experiences and my choices and I realize that God has been in the middle of it all. 

He knows who I am, what I've done and what I have yet to do. He knows when I've had a prayer in my heart but was unable to say the words. He knows when I have avoided studying or reading. He knows to the times I went to church out of habit but had a word for me anyway. He knows when I feel unworthy. He knows that I feel like I've run out of chances. Yet and still He loves me. He still has a plan, if I would just get on board and focus on the things that matter, Him.

I will remember that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. That He has a purpose and a for my life. That I am His chosen one and that His mercies are new every day. 

But most importantly, I will remember the Promise and Word He gave me: 

Behold, I will bring it health and healing; I will heal them and reveal to them the abundance of peace and truth. And I will cause the captives of Judah and the captives of Israel to return, and will rebuild those places as at the first. I will cleanse them from all their iniquity by which they have sinned against Me, and I will pardon all their iniquities by which they have sinned and by which they have transgressed against Me. Then it shall be to Me a name of joy, a praise, and an honor before all nations of the earth, who shall hear all the good that I do to them; they shall fear and tremble for all the goodness and all the prosperity that I provide for it.’ Jeremiah 33:6-9

In love, 
Mona

Have You Considered My Servant?

One day the angels came to present themselves before the Lord, and Satan also came with them. The Lord said to Satan, “Where have you come from?” Satan answered the Lord, “From roaming throughout the earth, going back and forth on it.” Then the Lord said to Satan, “Have you considered my servant Job? There is no one on earth like him; he is blameless and upright, a man who fears God and shuns evil.” “Does Job fear God for nothing?” Satan replied. “Have you not put a hedge around him and his household and everything he has? You have blessed the work of his hands, so that his flocks and herds are spread throughout the land. But now stretch out your hand and strike everything he has, and he will surely curse you to your face.” The Lord said to Satan, “Very well, then, everything he has is in your power, but on the man himself do not lay a finger.” Then Satan went out from the presence of the Lord. Job 1:6-12

 
This classic passage of the Bible talks about how Satan had been wandering around looking for folks to bother. God, in His Supreme Boldness, offered Job for testing. Satan countered that God had a hedge of protection around him but God offered to remove the hedge and allow Satan to destroy everything but Job's life, resting assured that Job would not curse Him. 

I'm at an interesting point in my life where it isn't Satan who has "destroyed" everything, but actually the result of my own choices. I won't blame Satan, who already gets too much credit for some of the mess in our lives, but it was me. And whether or not God has a hedge of protection around me or not doesn't matter. 

No matter what happens, no matter how many of my chickens come home to roost, no matter how many things, people or opportunities I lose, I REFUSE TO CURSE MY GOD. '

I think God honors our confessions: 
"Lord, I messed up and I am prepared to deal with the outcome." 

"Father, if you can't stay away this bitter cup, please strengthen me to deal with it."

"God, you are my portion and I will wait on you."

I may have fallen 20 steps back, but God was waiting for me at the 20th step, to put me back on course and push me forward into my destiny - despite my mistakes. 

"...if I make my bed in hell, you are there." Psalm 139:8

All I know to do is trust my God. All I can do is believe in Him and His purpose for my life (in spite of myself). All I must do is continue to praise and worship through the storms. I can never give up and I can never give in, no matter what it looks like or feels like. I will live and not die. 

And soon it will be "now the Lord blessed the latter days of Mona more than her beginning..." 

In love, 
Mona

 




 

The Bucket List

Two women I went to high school with have died within the last 6 months. We are all in our 50th year - either have turned or will turn 50 before the end of 2018. It's a perspective-shift for sure. 

I've always said "life is short" and it's never more in my face than when someone my age dies. It causes me to reflect on the value of and the distinct shortness of time. 

I am questioning whether my life has been of any value. What have I accomplished? What is there left for me to do, see and experience? 

I know that I raised two amazing people in my son and daughter, who I am blessed to say are happy, healthy and thriving. They are everything I could wish for but mostly I LIKE them... a lot. They are funny and sarcastic and thoughtful and caring and they are absolutely the best of me. But I can't live on the laurels of raising them any longer. I can cross "Parenting" off my bucket list. 

I never finished college. That's not anyone's fault. But I did opt to focus on trying to be a good military wife and mom. I don't regret anything because the results speak for themselves. I sustained a happy marriage for 21 years and still remains friends with my ex after the divorce. Cross "Wife and Mom" off my bucket list. 

Not sure I've been the best daughter, sister, niece and friend that I could be. But hopefully there's still time to do better. I hope they know that I love them even when I wasn't what they needed me to be.  "Good Daughter, Sister, Niece and Friend" stays on the list. 

Good Christian? STAYS ON THE LIST!

My list also includes other greatest hits like "Figure Out Who I Want To Be When I Grow Up", "Fall In Love", "Travel the World", "Be the Best Improviser I Can be", "Make An Impact", "Mange My Finances Better (which will never get crossed off the list), "Believe God Will", and more. 

But time is running short because tomorrow is not promised. And I'm going to be honest and transparent about the fact that I am freaking out about it. I'm scared that I'm going to die with this long list of unrealized dreams and that none of it mattered in the end. That I will have wasted an entire lifetime and accomplished nothing of note. But then again, lots of people do and what makes me so special?

Maybe it's a mid-life crisis taking hold. Maybe it's me realizing I'm at the top of the hill and the trip is always faster on the way down. I don't want "Regret" to be anywhere on my list. 

My prayer is that we all examine our bucket lists and begin to actively do things to start crossing stuff off. But that we also add more items. Give ourselves more dreams to realize, more lives to impact, more places to go and things to do. 

In love,
Mona

Shatter-Proof Glass

Have you ever dropped a glass in the sink or on the floor and it didn't break? Or maybe you were holding a glass and it *just* bumped against something and it shattered right in your hand? I have been thinking lately about how something like glass can be both strong enough to withstand weather and heat but fragile enough to break if you just tap it. 

It's because every piece of glass has a weak spot. The weakest areas are usually around the edges. Often weak spots are created by dirt or chemical changes or anomalies created during the glass making process. I remember seeing a demonstration at the Corning Museum of Glass where the exhibit encourages you to bang metal against glass to see if it would break. Of course the metal was hitting where the glass was the strongest so it wouldn't break. 

Like glass, most of us are pretty strong. We are made of tough stuff and our relationship with Christ tends to illuminate that because we believe that our strength comes from Him. In Him we are strong. He is our source of strength, and this allows us to deal with all that life throws at us on a day to day basis.  

But like glass we also have weak spots. Small areas of imperfection, that if hit just right, can break us. These areas are where we sit in self-condemnation, where we let the enemy remind of us our past, where we let other people define us, or areas of hurt and pain that never healed. It is these places that we need ask God to work on, to encircle us, heal us and protect us from outside influence. 

“My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness. 

Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. ” 2 Corinthians 12:9. 

"I called on the Lord in distress; The Lord answered me and set me in a broad place. The Lord is on my side. I will not fear. What can man do to me?" Psalm 118:5-6

"Likewise the Spirit also helps in our weaknesses. For we do not know what we should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself makes intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered." Romans 8:26

Lord, show us our weak places so that we will know the areas in which we are vulnerable. Expose the places where we are hurt and broken and begin the process of healing us. Father, open our eyes to see, our ears to hear and our heart to receive the Holy Spirit in our journey of healing. Send your angels and lift a hedge of protection around our weaknesses that make us susceptible to attack, whether from ourselves, from the enemy or from people. We ask in your Holy name. Amen. 

In love, 

Mona

I Have Dreamed a Dream

In Daniel 2 "And in the second year of the reign of Nebuchadnezzar Nebuchadnezzar dreamed dreams, wherewith his spirit was troubled, and his sleep brake from him. Then the king commanded to call the magicians, and the astrologers, and the sorcerers, and the Chaldeans, for to shew the king his dreams." 

Nebuchadnezzar had a dream that kept him up at night. He was so disturbed by it that he called on the magicians and astrologers for its meaning. They said "tell us the dream and we'll tell you what it means. He told them no, he couldn't remember it. They had to both tell him the dream AND interpret it! And if they couldn't, he would destroy them all.

And important thing to note here is that people dream all the time and we mostly forget our dreams. But this dream mattered, and Nebuchadnezzar knew it mattered, that's why it bothered him so much that he couldn't remember it. 
 
Kind of sounds like me. God gave me a dream and I didn't understand it (or didn't want to). It kept me up at night. I called on God to help me. I also told God "not only must you tell me the dream, but you have to interpret it for me. You have to also show me exactly how to make the dream come true; where must I go and what must I do. Take my hand and walk me step by step through bringing this dream to life! And if you don't, I'm going to leave it sitting right here."

How arrogant of me. First, to tell God what He's gonna do! But secondly, to assume that God wouldn't equip me for the dream in the first place. 

The dreams God gives us matter. We know they matter and that's what terrifies us so much. We don't want to get it wrong, or disappoint God or, worse yet, fail. That's me. I don't want to fail. I don't want to step out on something that God gave me and then totally bungle it up. 

But God is God. He doesn't make mistakes. He wouldn't ask me to do something that He hasn't equipped me for. But that means I must take advantage of the equipment (the Word, Study, Prayer, Worship, my faith, His strength, etc.) that He provides for me. 

And then I just have to do it.  

Trust the dream that God has given you. Trust that He has provided you all you need to accomplish it. Trust in him and then just do it. And watch God work.

In love, 
Mona

Remembering What I Learned

Today at church was the kind of day where I was reminded of who God says I am. I know that I've heard it many times before, but each time I somehow manage to talk myself out of it. I find a way to say that I am not good enough, not holy enough, not worthy enough to be that person. But somehow He taps me on the shoulder and says "REMEMBER". 

During the long journey towards who God is making me to be, I have learned a few things.

I have learned that God does not lie. "God is not a man, that He should lie. Nor a son of man that He should repent. Has he said, and will he not do? Or has He spoken, and will He not make it good?" Numbers 23:19. Everything He has told me is true, whether or not I accept it, walk it out or even believe it. It is still true. 

I have learned that God is sovereign. "Whatever the Lord pleases he does, in Heaven and in Earth, in the seas and in all deep places." Psalms 135:6 God is going to do whatever He wants to do, whether or not I participate. So I might as well get on board. 

I have learned that God has a plan for me. "For I know the thoughts that I think towards you, thoughts of peace and not evil, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11 Purpose is the reason for which something is created or why it exists. Hope is a feeling of expectation and a desire for something to happen. God says there is a reason I exist and there is a desire for something to happen. Something that I make happen. 

Basically, whatever God has spoken to you and about you is truth. It cannot be erased or denied because He cannot lie. He has every intention of seeing that thing come to pass because it is what He wants to happen. And He has purposed YOU for it. He will give you everything you need to get it done.

For me, I need to move out of my own way and let God do what He is going to do. I have to lean on Him, let His words flow and let the Holy Spirit guide. 

I need to remember and never again forget. 

In love, 
Mona