Peeking Out From A Hole

I haven't blogged in almost 6 months. Truth be told, my laptop has been dead since March and I haven't even had the desire to turn it on. I've been down a hole for awhile now, and where normally blogging helps me through, I just didn't have any words. 

I've been feeling useless, unappreciated, not respected or valued. I let people get in my head. I've toyed with leaving my church for various reasons. My job too. No reason that would make me feel any better though. It's probably just the hole talking. It's probably just realizing that I am almost fifty and some people still treat me as though I was a child. That my voice isn't heard. That people don't seem to realize that I'm a middle-aged woman with two grown children, who has lived on both coasts. That I have traveled to Europe, Asia, the Caribbean, and more. Some people just don't take me seriously and it started to weigh me down. 

I know. I know. I'm not supposed to focus on them. I'm supposed to remember who God says I am. I'm supposed to realize that HE doesn't see me that way. But that's tough sometimes. Tough when you feel dismissed. Tough when you feel unseen and unheard. You begin to question your own worth. You begin to remember all the ways you messed up. You wonder if those people are justified in how they are. THEY ARE NOT!

Yes I've made mistakes, but I not solely those mistakes. If anything, today I am the culmination of all the good and bad choices that I've made these last fifty years. I am the sum total of my family, my friends, my work, my experiences and my choices and I realize that God has been in the middle of it all. 

He knows who I am, what I've done and what I have yet to do. He knows when I've had a prayer in my heart but was unable to say the words. He knows when I have avoided studying or reading. He knows to the times I went to church out of habit but had a word for me anyway. He knows when I feel unworthy. He knows that I feel like I've run out of chances. Yet and still He loves me. He still has a plan, if I would just get on board and focus on the things that matter, Him.

I will remember that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. That He has a purpose and a for my life. That I am His chosen one and that His mercies are new every day. 

But most importantly, I will remember the Promise and Word He gave me: 

Behold, I will bring it health and healing; I will heal them and reveal to them the abundance of peace and truth. And I will cause the captives of Judah and the captives of Israel to return, and will rebuild those places as at the first. I will cleanse them from all their iniquity by which they have sinned against Me, and I will pardon all their iniquities by which they have sinned and by which they have transgressed against Me. Then it shall be to Me a name of joy, a praise, and an honor before all nations of the earth, who shall hear all the good that I do to them; they shall fear and tremble for all the goodness and all the prosperity that I provide for it.’ Jeremiah 33:6-9

In love, 
Mona