Into the Breach

Breach:

1. The act or a result of breaking; break or rupture.
2. An infraction or violation, as of a law, trust, faith, or promise.
3. A gap made in a wall, fortification, line of soldiers, etc.; rift; fissure.
4. A severance of friendly relations.
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I have suffered a breach. Choose any one of the definitions listed above and I have been in that place. Since July 4, 2009. The breach was my marriage. The breach was a violation of the trust I placed in my husband to remain faithful. The breach was a gap made in my future. The breach severed my relationship. 

In the beginning I fell deep into the breach, trying my best to claw my way up out of it. My fingernails broken and bleeding in the holding on so tightly to what was mine. I did not want to let it go. It gave me purpose and meaning. It was my family and my life. It was all I had know for nearly 20 years. 

I sought God earnestly to fill the breach, fix the hole, repair the damage and put it all back together again. I was more than confident that He would do just that. And every single time it got close to the point of spackle and caulk, something would happen to deepen the gap. 

First it was the many calls for divorce followed by the confirmation that the other relationship had taken a turn. Finally the divorce was finalized. The hole got deeper and the breach of my heart was gaping. 

I had many fights with God and turned away from Him. I ran from my home. I fell into a deep and harmful depression but eventually I was able to start to deal with the rupture. Slowly, ever so slowly, I found a way to forgiveness, both for him and for myself, and even with God. 

Through it all, though, I held open a piece of the breach, that I thought could only be filled with my ex-husband. But that would not help me with my healing, And I had A LOT of healing to do. 

Every day of every week of every month I would inch closer and closer to that rift being healed. I would transition from level to level. I would have these realizations about him and about myself that would help me learn to put all of that pain behind me and to move forward. I began to let go of hurt and bitterness and resentment and the pain began to subside. I thought I was getting better. I was out of the depression, I was social again, I was happy and healthy. I was writing. I was going to church. I was good. 

The gaping hole in my heart was filling again. But still, a part of it remained an open sore. And one day I realized that I hadn't been able to let go of all of the pain, because that pain was all I had left. It was the last remaining trace of what kept me connected to him. That pain was comfortable and it was a reminder of what I had lost. I needed that pain, because when it was gone, he would be gone too. Forever. All of my hopes would be gone. All of my desires for us to be reunited would be gone. All of my future, as I had always dreamed of it, would be gone. My past would lose its meaning and all that I had suffered for years would be for nothing. I had to keep it. That breach had to remain. 

No matter how much damage it was causing me. 

But I need to let God do His work in me. I need to stop trying to have what God does not want for me. I need to let Him truly heal me, inside and out, down into the depths of places I don't share with others. It has to happen. 

O God, You have cast us off; You have broken us down; You have been displeased; Oh, restore us again! You have made the earth tremble; You have broken it; Heal its breaches, for it is shaking. You have shown Your people hard things; You have made us drink the wine of confusion. You have given a banner to those who fear You; That it may be displayed because of the truth. Selah. That Your beloved may be delivered, Save with Your right hand, and hear me. Psalm 60:1-5

God wants to be the healer of this breach. He wants to fill my heart with His love and compassion and forgiveness. He wants me to stop desiring anything other than Him. He wants me to stop idolizing my ex-husband and my marriage, and to do all that He wants me to do. He wants me to stop putting my purpose ahead of His. Stop working my plan and not His.

The Lord will guide you continually, And satisfy your soul in drought, And strengthen your bones; You shall be like a watered garden, And like a spring of water, whose waters do not fail. Those from among you Shall build the old waste places; You shall raise up the foundations of many generations; And you shall be called the Repairer of the Breach, The Restorer of Streets to Dwell In. Isaiah 58:11-12 

This has been a long and hard 5+  years. I am finally able to see the restoration that God promised me so many years ago. The restoration of me. The restoration of my relationship with HIm. The restoration of my purpose. He is the caulk and the spackle. 

He is the Repairer of the Breach. 

In love, 
Mona