What I'm Finna Do Is...

As 2014 comes to a close, I see lots of people reflecting on the year. All of us have suffered disappointment and loss. We've also had some triumphs and successes during the last 364 days. But all in all, I count myself lucky to have made it another year. I am still breathing. That means I have another chance to do better. 

If I'm honest, I've been out of sorts for the last 5 years. I will not allow myself to remain in that state any longer. I am changing my mind about a few things (thanks Syrtraina!). 

I'm not making New Year's Resolutions here. I am stating unequivocally that I am going to change the way I see things, change the way I do things and change the trajectory of my future. 

I will not live out 2015 in fear of my own potential. I will embrace who God has made me to be. I will write, passionately, fervently and with the words that God gives me to speak. 

I will live a life of transparency. I will not shy away from the things that hurt, scare or intimidate me. I am fearfully and wonderfully made and I WILL walk in that truth. And I will share that with others, so they know they are not alone.

I will control my financial future. 

I will travel and explore and appreciate the world around me. I will grow from these experiences and I will drag along anyone who wishes to join me. 

I will celebrate the amazing life that God has blessed me with. I will watch as my adults (who used to be my children) soar. I will celebrate their amazing successes and I will encourage them through their temporary failures. I will forever be their biggest cheerleader and champion. 

I will pray. I will seek the face of Him who made me. And I'll question Him on some things and I will accept His answers as truth.

I will let go of those who hurt me. I will send them off with love and God's blessing but I will not suffer anyone who does not have my best interest at heart. 

I will be the best friend to my best friends. I will cut anyone pray for anyone who comes against them and I will stand in the gap for them as they have always done for me. I will continue to speak truth and life to them as they have for me. Forever. 

I will stop abusing myself with self-hating descriptors like 'fat'. I will love this body and this mind and this soul WHOLEHEARTEDLY. I will accept myself and seek ways to improve as needed. 

I will open my heart to love. I will open my eyes see beauty and I will open my ears to hear truth. 

I will ask God to send me the someone He wants me to have. I will be patient with His timing and I will appreciate this gift when he gets here. (But listen God.... let's not drag this thing out, alright?) 

I shall love the Lord my God with all my heart, with all my soul, and with all my strength.

And I shall love myself as equally as that. 

Thank you for being here on my blog journey. I appreciate you more than words can say. 

In love, 
Mona 
 

Into the Breach

Breach:

1. The act or a result of breaking; break or rupture.
2. An infraction or violation, as of a law, trust, faith, or promise.
3. A gap made in a wall, fortification, line of soldiers, etc.; rift; fissure.
4. A severance of friendly relations.
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I have suffered a breach. Choose any one of the definitions listed above and I have been in that place. Since July 4, 2009. The breach was my marriage. The breach was a violation of the trust I placed in my husband to remain faithful. The breach was a gap made in my future. The breach severed my relationship. 

In the beginning I fell deep into the breach, trying my best to claw my way up out of it. My fingernails broken and bleeding in the holding on so tightly to what was mine. I did not want to let it go. It gave me purpose and meaning. It was my family and my life. It was all I had know for nearly 20 years. 

I sought God earnestly to fill the breach, fix the hole, repair the damage and put it all back together again. I was more than confident that He would do just that. And every single time it got close to the point of spackle and caulk, something would happen to deepen the gap. 

First it was the many calls for divorce followed by the confirmation that the other relationship had taken a turn. Finally the divorce was finalized. The hole got deeper and the breach of my heart was gaping. 

I had many fights with God and turned away from Him. I ran from my home. I fell into a deep and harmful depression but eventually I was able to start to deal with the rupture. Slowly, ever so slowly, I found a way to forgiveness, both for him and for myself, and even with God. 

Through it all, though, I held open a piece of the breach, that I thought could only be filled with my ex-husband. But that would not help me with my healing, And I had A LOT of healing to do. 

Every day of every week of every month I would inch closer and closer to that rift being healed. I would transition from level to level. I would have these realizations about him and about myself that would help me learn to put all of that pain behind me and to move forward. I began to let go of hurt and bitterness and resentment and the pain began to subside. I thought I was getting better. I was out of the depression, I was social again, I was happy and healthy. I was writing. I was going to church. I was good. 

The gaping hole in my heart was filling again. But still, a part of it remained an open sore. And one day I realized that I hadn't been able to let go of all of the pain, because that pain was all I had left. It was the last remaining trace of what kept me connected to him. That pain was comfortable and it was a reminder of what I had lost. I needed that pain, because when it was gone, he would be gone too. Forever. All of my hopes would be gone. All of my desires for us to be reunited would be gone. All of my future, as I had always dreamed of it, would be gone. My past would lose its meaning and all that I had suffered for years would be for nothing. I had to keep it. That breach had to remain. 

No matter how much damage it was causing me. 

But I need to let God do His work in me. I need to stop trying to have what God does not want for me. I need to let Him truly heal me, inside and out, down into the depths of places I don't share with others. It has to happen. 

O God, You have cast us off; You have broken us down; You have been displeased; Oh, restore us again! You have made the earth tremble; You have broken it; Heal its breaches, for it is shaking. You have shown Your people hard things; You have made us drink the wine of confusion. You have given a banner to those who fear You; That it may be displayed because of the truth. Selah. That Your beloved may be delivered, Save with Your right hand, and hear me. Psalm 60:1-5

God wants to be the healer of this breach. He wants to fill my heart with His love and compassion and forgiveness. He wants me to stop desiring anything other than Him. He wants me to stop idolizing my ex-husband and my marriage, and to do all that He wants me to do. He wants me to stop putting my purpose ahead of His. Stop working my plan and not His.

The Lord will guide you continually, And satisfy your soul in drought, And strengthen your bones; You shall be like a watered garden, And like a spring of water, whose waters do not fail. Those from among you Shall build the old waste places; You shall raise up the foundations of many generations; And you shall be called the Repairer of the Breach, The Restorer of Streets to Dwell In. Isaiah 58:11-12 

This has been a long and hard 5+  years. I am finally able to see the restoration that God promised me so many years ago. The restoration of me. The restoration of my relationship with HIm. The restoration of my purpose. He is the caulk and the spackle. 

He is the Repairer of the Breach. 

In love, 
Mona




  

Worshipping in the Clouds

I recently took a trip to Korea to visit my daughter, who is studying abroad this semester. (You should expect a *very* long blog post when she graduates college in May!!) 

Every time I fly I make a point of praying for my safe flight, and for the pilots and flight attendants. I pray for the maintenance workers, the baggage handlers, the people who load the food and the folks who stand outside and guide the plane. I lay hands on the actual plane itself and I ask God to carry the plane in His hands safely to its destination and to camp His angels around it. 

I pray for the passengers. I ask God to meet each person wherever they need Him. I ask Him to calm nerves and soothe fears. I ask that if anyone has any bad plans that He would stand in between them and protect us. 

I thank Him for the peace I feel in my heart as the plan takes off and I recite the 23rd Psalm. That's my go-to prayer when I'm scared. But I'm not scared when I pray during takeoff. I just do it out of habit in scary situations. 

I praise God for who He is and what He has done. I remind Him that I am His child and that He promised to give whatever I ask for in Jesus' name. But mostly it's a time of great worship. I don't normally consider myself a worshiper like that but there's something about soaring into the clouds and feeling that close to heaven that can bring out the worshiper in anyone. Or at least it should.

Flying is the time that you give up all sense of control in life. There is nothing you can do once you strap yourself in that seat belt. Nothing. And giving up that control is the most terrifying and also the most liberating time of your life. 

Terrifying because there is nothing you can do.

Liberating because there is nothing you can do. 

I wish I could live like I fly. I wish I could just pray and give up the control and let God pilot my life. Everything would be so much easier. But that's not the case for me and so many people that I know. 

Control is so.... controlling! And confusing!

I'm supposed to give up control of life and future to God, but at the same time I must maintain total control of my body, my flesh, my mind and my sin. Give up control but keep total control. WHAAAAT?

That's the awesome craziness of this walk. Awesome. Craziness.

So I am going to try and put my life in the hands of the Pilot God but I recognize I will have a role to play. I will need to:

• Read the safety instructions (my bible)
• Find my emergency exits (prayer and prayer partners)
• Keep my seat belt fastened in times of turbulence (attend church)
• Know how to operate my oxygen mask (praise)
• Figure out how to turn my seat cushion into a flotation device (?? I got nothing!

Okay okay enough of the airplane analogy. I have to "Let Go and Let God" because He knows what He's doing 

"For My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways,” says the Lord. “For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8-9  

In love, 
Mona