What I'm Finna Do Is...

As 2014 comes to a close, I see lots of people reflecting on the year. All of us have suffered disappointment and loss. We've also had some triumphs and successes during the last 364 days. But all in all, I count myself lucky to have made it another year. I am still breathing. That means I have another chance to do better. 

If I'm honest, I've been out of sorts for the last 5 years. I will not allow myself to remain in that state any longer. I am changing my mind about a few things (thanks Syrtraina!). 

I'm not making New Year's Resolutions here. I am stating unequivocally that I am going to change the way I see things, change the way I do things and change the trajectory of my future. 

I will not live out 2015 in fear of my own potential. I will embrace who God has made me to be. I will write, passionately, fervently and with the words that God gives me to speak. 

I will live a life of transparency. I will not shy away from the things that hurt, scare or intimidate me. I am fearfully and wonderfully made and I WILL walk in that truth. And I will share that with others, so they know they are not alone.

I will control my financial future. 

I will travel and explore and appreciate the world around me. I will grow from these experiences and I will drag along anyone who wishes to join me. 

I will celebrate the amazing life that God has blessed me with. I will watch as my adults (who used to be my children) soar. I will celebrate their amazing successes and I will encourage them through their temporary failures. I will forever be their biggest cheerleader and champion. 

I will pray. I will seek the face of Him who made me. And I'll question Him on some things and I will accept His answers as truth.

I will let go of those who hurt me. I will send them off with love and God's blessing but I will not suffer anyone who does not have my best interest at heart. 

I will be the best friend to my best friends. I will cut anyone pray for anyone who comes against them and I will stand in the gap for them as they have always done for me. I will continue to speak truth and life to them as they have for me. Forever. 

I will stop abusing myself with self-hating descriptors like 'fat'. I will love this body and this mind and this soul WHOLEHEARTEDLY. I will accept myself and seek ways to improve as needed. 

I will open my heart to love. I will open my eyes see beauty and I will open my ears to hear truth. 

I will ask God to send me the someone He wants me to have. I will be patient with His timing and I will appreciate this gift when he gets here. (But listen God.... let's not drag this thing out, alright?) 

I shall love the Lord my God with all my heart, with all my soul, and with all my strength.

And I shall love myself as equally as that. 

Thank you for being here on my blog journey. I appreciate you more than words can say. 

In love, 
Mona 
 

Into the Breach

Breach:

1. The act or a result of breaking; break or rupture.
2. An infraction or violation, as of a law, trust, faith, or promise.
3. A gap made in a wall, fortification, line of soldiers, etc.; rift; fissure.
4. A severance of friendly relations.
------------------

I have suffered a breach. Choose any one of the definitions listed above and I have been in that place. Since July 4, 2009. The breach was my marriage. The breach was a violation of the trust I placed in my husband to remain faithful. The breach was a gap made in my future. The breach severed my relationship. 

In the beginning I fell deep into the breach, trying my best to claw my way up out of it. My fingernails broken and bleeding in the holding on so tightly to what was mine. I did not want to let it go. It gave me purpose and meaning. It was my family and my life. It was all I had know for nearly 20 years. 

I sought God earnestly to fill the breach, fix the hole, repair the damage and put it all back together again. I was more than confident that He would do just that. And every single time it got close to the point of spackle and caulk, something would happen to deepen the gap. 

First it was the many calls for divorce followed by the confirmation that the other relationship had taken a turn. Finally the divorce was finalized. The hole got deeper and the breach of my heart was gaping. 

I had many fights with God and turned away from Him. I ran from my home. I fell into a deep and harmful depression but eventually I was able to start to deal with the rupture. Slowly, ever so slowly, I found a way to forgiveness, both for him and for myself, and even with God. 

Through it all, though, I held open a piece of the breach, that I thought could only be filled with my ex-husband. But that would not help me with my healing, And I had A LOT of healing to do. 

Every day of every week of every month I would inch closer and closer to that rift being healed. I would transition from level to level. I would have these realizations about him and about myself that would help me learn to put all of that pain behind me and to move forward. I began to let go of hurt and bitterness and resentment and the pain began to subside. I thought I was getting better. I was out of the depression, I was social again, I was happy and healthy. I was writing. I was going to church. I was good. 

The gaping hole in my heart was filling again. But still, a part of it remained an open sore. And one day I realized that I hadn't been able to let go of all of the pain, because that pain was all I had left. It was the last remaining trace of what kept me connected to him. That pain was comfortable and it was a reminder of what I had lost. I needed that pain, because when it was gone, he would be gone too. Forever. All of my hopes would be gone. All of my desires for us to be reunited would be gone. All of my future, as I had always dreamed of it, would be gone. My past would lose its meaning and all that I had suffered for years would be for nothing. I had to keep it. That breach had to remain. 

No matter how much damage it was causing me. 

But I need to let God do His work in me. I need to stop trying to have what God does not want for me. I need to let Him truly heal me, inside and out, down into the depths of places I don't share with others. It has to happen. 

O God, You have cast us off; You have broken us down; You have been displeased; Oh, restore us again! You have made the earth tremble; You have broken it; Heal its breaches, for it is shaking. You have shown Your people hard things; You have made us drink the wine of confusion. You have given a banner to those who fear You; That it may be displayed because of the truth. Selah. That Your beloved may be delivered, Save with Your right hand, and hear me. Psalm 60:1-5

God wants to be the healer of this breach. He wants to fill my heart with His love and compassion and forgiveness. He wants me to stop desiring anything other than Him. He wants me to stop idolizing my ex-husband and my marriage, and to do all that He wants me to do. He wants me to stop putting my purpose ahead of His. Stop working my plan and not His.

The Lord will guide you continually, And satisfy your soul in drought, And strengthen your bones; You shall be like a watered garden, And like a spring of water, whose waters do not fail. Those from among you Shall build the old waste places; You shall raise up the foundations of many generations; And you shall be called the Repairer of the Breach, The Restorer of Streets to Dwell In. Isaiah 58:11-12 

This has been a long and hard 5+  years. I am finally able to see the restoration that God promised me so many years ago. The restoration of me. The restoration of my relationship with HIm. The restoration of my purpose. He is the caulk and the spackle. 

He is the Repairer of the Breach. 

In love, 
Mona




  

Worshipping in the Clouds

I recently took a trip to Korea to visit my daughter, who is studying abroad this semester. (You should expect a *very* long blog post when she graduates college in May!!) 

Every time I fly I make a point of praying for my safe flight, and for the pilots and flight attendants. I pray for the maintenance workers, the baggage handlers, the people who load the food and the folks who stand outside and guide the plane. I lay hands on the actual plane itself and I ask God to carry the plane in His hands safely to its destination and to camp His angels around it. 

I pray for the passengers. I ask God to meet each person wherever they need Him. I ask Him to calm nerves and soothe fears. I ask that if anyone has any bad plans that He would stand in between them and protect us. 

I thank Him for the peace I feel in my heart as the plan takes off and I recite the 23rd Psalm. That's my go-to prayer when I'm scared. But I'm not scared when I pray during takeoff. I just do it out of habit in scary situations. 

I praise God for who He is and what He has done. I remind Him that I am His child and that He promised to give whatever I ask for in Jesus' name. But mostly it's a time of great worship. I don't normally consider myself a worshiper like that but there's something about soaring into the clouds and feeling that close to heaven that can bring out the worshiper in anyone. Or at least it should.

Flying is the time that you give up all sense of control in life. There is nothing you can do once you strap yourself in that seat belt. Nothing. And giving up that control is the most terrifying and also the most liberating time of your life. 

Terrifying because there is nothing you can do.

Liberating because there is nothing you can do. 

I wish I could live like I fly. I wish I could just pray and give up the control and let God pilot my life. Everything would be so much easier. But that's not the case for me and so many people that I know. 

Control is so.... controlling! And confusing!

I'm supposed to give up control of life and future to God, but at the same time I must maintain total control of my body, my flesh, my mind and my sin. Give up control but keep total control. WHAAAAT?

That's the awesome craziness of this walk. Awesome. Craziness.

So I am going to try and put my life in the hands of the Pilot God but I recognize I will have a role to play. I will need to:

• Read the safety instructions (my bible)
• Find my emergency exits (prayer and prayer partners)
• Keep my seat belt fastened in times of turbulence (attend church)
• Know how to operate my oxygen mask (praise)
• Figure out how to turn my seat cushion into a flotation device (?? I got nothing!

Okay okay enough of the airplane analogy. I have to "Let Go and Let God" because He knows what He's doing 

"For My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways,” says the Lord. “For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8-9  

In love, 
Mona

That’s Not How This Works. That’s Not How Any Of This Works.

The summer that I knew my marriage was in trouble, I started this blog. That summer I also started praying and worshipping like I had never done before. God was actively speaking to me and guiding me along the way. He kept me from certain destruction and left me with a small piece of my mind left.

I, of course, was praying for my marriage to be restored. I was praying that God would move my ex-husband’s heart, touch his mind and open his eyes to see that he was following a path of destruction. A path that would destroy our marriage, our way of life, our home and our individual selves. I never prayed and cried so much in all of my life. I cried until my eyes were permanently swollen. I had to tell people at work that I was suffering serious allergies to explain the perpetual puffiness.

And a lot of what I prayed was for God to change him, and change me. I said so many times, “not my will, but Your will be done”. I said that a billion times. I also said, “well God if this isn’t Your will, then strengthen me to deal with it.”.

It was all crap.

Well, not all crap. I thought I meant it at the time. But I knew it was crap because when God didn’t restore my marriage, I lost it. When things didn’t get any better, but actually got worse, I blamed God. I cussed and fought and carried on. I stopped going to church. I stopped listening to anyone and everyone who could help me through. God and I broke up. Because what good was all of that churching and praying and praising and wailing if I wasn’t going to get what I want??

But that’s not how it works. That’s not how any of this works.

If my relationship with the Lord is based on what I have in my bank account, then I'm in the wrong.

If my relationship with God is determined by my address and what part of town I live in, then I'm wrong.

If my relationship with my Heavenly Father is based on how hard or little I struggle to get by, I am wrong.

If I have a longer list of gripes than of gratefulness, then I am doing it all wrong.

God never said that if we follow Him we wouldn’t have trouble. If fact, the bible very specifically told us that we would. (Beloved, do not think it strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened to you; 1 Peter 4:12). The bible outlines how hard this walk was going to be. It tells us that we will suffer for His name. It’s not His fault that we want to use God as a bank teller, rental agent, car dealer and grocer MORE than we want Him to be the saving grace of our soul.

Jesus wants to give us eternal life in Heaven. He wants to fill us with the hope of God; the peace of God and His joy. (In his kindness God called you to share in his eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus. So after you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you on a firm foundation. 1 Peter 5:10). It’s not His fault that we associate peace and joy with how much money we have in the bank.

A true relationship with Jesus Christ will allow us to learn to walk in His peace and joy DESPITE that negative bank balance, the credit card debt and troubles of this world. Because true peace and joy are not dependent on those things.

True peace and joy comes with knowing that Jesus Christ came into this world, sinless and walking this earth to save our souls. To wash away our sins and give you rest (These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world. John 16:33).

We think because we pray that we “deserve” something from God. We don’t deserve anything but His judgment. But BY HIS GRACE we are forgiven and allowed to taste freedom from the bonds of this world.

We must choose to have peace. We must choose to walk in joy. We have a choice. Be miserable in this place of misery or strengthen our true relationship with God, deep inside of ourselves, and walk in His righteousness.

He wants us to worship Him, IN SPITE of what’s going on in our lives. He wants us to love Him because He first loved us. He wants us to praise Him because of all of things He’s already done and where He’s already brought us from.  And from there we will have a blessed assurance that NO MATTER WHAT is going on in our lives, God was, is, and always will be there. We can know that in this life of trouble, Heaven awaits. There is peace in that. There is joy in that. 

His grace is sufficient to see us through.

That's how it works. That's how all of this works. 

Start the day thinking of the good things in your life. Of all of the things you are grateful for. Because I promise you this, there is someone in this world who wishes for 1% of what you have.

My Gratitude List – in no particular order

I am alive

I am physically well

I have my mental faculties

My children are alive and safe

My children made it adulthood and I was able to live to see it.

I had amazing parents who were flawed and terribly imperfect, and I survived

I have a place to live

I have food in my cabinets

I have pots and pans and dishes

I have a job

I have a car

I have clothes to wear; my closets and drawers are full

I have shoes to wear; multiple pairs and varieties

I can see

I can hear

I can walk

I can talk

I have loving family and friends

I have television and internet

I can read and write

I have a great church and an awesome pastor

I have a God who loves me no matter how awful I was 15 minutes ago

I am assured a place in heaven

In love, 

Mona