Off The Wagon

I seem to remember having a little red wagon when I was a little girl. It looked like this:

We used this wagon to carry around dolls, toys and books. We used to to transport dirt from one side of the field to the other for mud pie making and fake cake baking. It held leaves that we used to pretend were greens and Popsicle sticks we used for utensils and house-building. And we used to carry each other around too. The wagon was the ultimate childhood accessory. It allowed us to carry everything!

My adult wagon seems to only carry around dirt these days; all of my issues and problems. My sins and transgressions. All of the stuff I want to hide away; hide from my friends and family, from myself and from God.

Many of us are 'on the wagon' about some issue. For some of us it's alcohol or drugs or sex or men or women or whatever. Doesn't matter what it is. The problem is when you fall off. 

I fell off recently. And in that falling off, I have to deal with my own guilt and shame; the disappointment that I feel in myself and that nagging sense of unworthiness. I am supposed to be better than that right? It could eat me alive if I let it. 

But I am reminded that "There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus,who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit." Romans 8:1-2   

Falling off the wagon automatically means that I "walked according to the flesh" that time. But I know that I try my best to "walk according to the Spirit" and it is in the trying that I am allowed to go to God and confess. I can pray for, and receive forgiveness. 

To You, O Lord, I lift up my soul.
O my God, I trust in You;
Let me not be ashamed;
Let not my enemies triumph over me. 

Indeed, let no one who waits on You be ashamed;
Let those be ashamed who deal treacherously without cause.

Psalm 25:1-3

Every single one of us has fallen off of some wagon. 

"If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us." 1 John 1:8

BUT...

"If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." 1 John 1:9 

I'm going to get up, dust myself off, thank the good Lord for his forgiveness, and His forgetfulness and keep it moving.

"I feel like going on"

In love,

Mona

 

Parenting Ain't Easy

On Saturday June 26, 1993 I gave birth to a beautiful little baby girl. I called my mom in New York and when I told her it was a girl, her voice dropped an octave and she loud whispered... 
Now 
It 
Begins 
For 
YOU...
and just left that threat hanging there while a shiver went up my spine.

Um, what? 

Was it possible that God would give me a child that acted like I did?? Aw naw...just naw... A daughter who was smart-mouthed, sassy, lost her virginity too early, tried marijuana, drank alcohol, lied, skipped school and got pregnant all by 18? Lord, no!

Well to God's glory she turned out to be just like me but not in any of those ways. But trust me, that had a lot to do with how God created her; how she was hard-wired; as much as it had to do with my parenting. 

Was she influenced by her environment? Of course she was. But she also made different choices than I did. She also held on to her strong convictions more than I did. She recognized that there are consequences to her actions far earlier than I ever did. She is her own person and no matter how much I taught, showed, explained or cajoled, ultimately the choices she made (or didn't make) had little to do with me. 

My son, her older brother, is probably the one who is the most like me. He is funny, sarcastic, sweet, sensitive, mean, spiteful, hurtful and hard-headed. He's talented and brilliant but no matter how much talking and whooping and taking away of privileges I did, he just would not listen to reason at times. While most of his ill-behavior happened outside of the house, eventually it happened at home too. That boy took me through it!! He was suspended from school in kindergarten (and nearly every year after that)! He was just an angry little boy and he lashed out a lot. And like his sister, he was hard-wired. No matter how much I taught, showed, explained or cajoled, ultimately the choices he made (or didn't make) had little to do with me. 

But you couldn't tell me that when I was going through it. I cried so many nights wondering what I was doing wrong. What could I have done better? How come I was such a bad mom? Why couldn't I get him to behave? Until I finally realized that he was his own person and making his own choices and eventually would have to live with his own consequences. I did the best I could with what I had.

Parenting is hard. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do. It's hard because you feel, and are, responsible for the life of another. You have to care for them, feed them, teach them, support them, protect them and also help them learn to be independent, make good choices, be good human beings and fit into society. The list of things is endless.

So what do we do when we have a child who doesn't follow the right track; who won't fit into the mold of a model child? 

We are all familiar with a parent's favorite misquoted verse in the Bible "Spare the rod, spoil the child." Actually the bible says "He who spares his rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines him promptly" Proverbs 13:24

I'm not saying whether I spared the rod or not... *looks away*... but you get the point.

"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates." Deuteronomy 6:5-9  

"Train up a child in the way he should go,and when he is old he will not depart from it." Proverbs 22:6

All you can do is show them the way. All you can do is model the way. But there are going to be times when they stray so far away from you that all you can do is leave them to God. Lay them on the altar, pray that God doesn't remove His hedge of protection from around them and that God's mercy stay on them.And trust God.

Some of our children have left us, left us for drugs or alcohol; left us for the streets; left us for the grass they think is greener; left us for the hard road despite all that we have said and done to protect them.

Be encouraged. For yourself and for them. It's going to be hard work. But God is able to help you stay encouraged during the hardest of times. And there is nothing harder than dealing with a child who has lost their way. But GOD IS STILL ABLE!

"But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of us. We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed" 2 Corinthians 4:7-9

"Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the Lord your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7

"Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." John 14:27

"Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken." Psalm 55:22

Stay in prayer. Never give up on them or God. 

God Can. 

In love,
Mona


 

 
 

Risky Business

I keep starting this blog over and over again. I can't seem to find the right words to begin this one. It's about trust. Gaining it. Giving it. Losing it. It's a small word with huge meaning and usually has an enormous impact on our lives. 

Trust begins at infancy. Babies learn to believe in and rely on those around them to protect them from harm. A baby cries and someone responds with a bottle or a diaper change or picking it up. The baby begins to understand that if they cry, someone will do something. As a child ages and explores, the trust is expanded; as they learn to sit, crawl, walk and run, play, etc. The key here is that trust is learned. It's not automatic, like breathing or blinking.  Trust is learned and it's earned.  

Sadly we also learn all to quickly that to trust, to rely on the behaviors of another person, is to risk. To risk that the behavior we are expecting won't happen.

I took a Marriage and Family class in high school and the only thing I remember from that class is that relationships need 5 things to be successful; Communication, Love, Empathy, Respect and Trust; and if you are missing one, the relationship suffers. They are so interwoven. Without one you lose another, or two or three. Without trust, you have nothing. 

When my ex-husband cheated on me, there was still love, but the respect and empathy was gone. Trust was shattered. Without trust, communication was stilted and guarded. He showed me that I could not trust him to continue to protect me and keep me safe.

He's human. He makes mistakes. We are human. We make mistakes. I am human. I make mistakes. I have violated someone's trust. I showed someone that I could not be relied on to be what they needed me to be for them. 

Human.

That's what brings me to this blog. 

I remember a conversation I had with my mom about God and why it was so hard for me to give my all to Him. She told me it was because I didn't trust Him. Mostly because I made the mistake of thinking of Him as 'father', as 'man', the same way I would anyone else. Fallible.

WHY IS IT SO HARD TO TRUST HIM???

God, I wish I knew. Maybe because I keep expecting Him to act like everyone else and eventually leave me. Maybe I think that because I make so many mistakes that He will eventually "love me but not BE in love with me" like my ex-husband. Maybe he will see behind the mask of who I pretend to be and decide that I'm not who He wants. Maybe He will see another soul out there who can do better, be better, look better, act better than I can. Maybe I won't be enough for him. Maybe. 

Some of you reading those thoughts might say it's ridiculous. But some of you reading it see yourself.  That's me, right there, all exposed and out in the open. And when I feel like that I have to remember that God is not like anyone else. God has never done anything to make me not trust Him. He has never broken a promise or a vow. He has never forsaken me for another. He never cheated on me. He never lied to me or hid things from me. He never acted the way folks in my life have acted. He never did anything to show me that He would not protect me and keep me safe. Never not once. 

Has life been tough? Sure. Have I made mistakes? Of course. Is it because of God? Not in any way. It was always because of my own mess. 

So how do I trust God? By doing it. By remembering that He created me, in His image, to be a glory to Himself. By reading the Word and understanding how God sees me. By believing that He has a purpose and a plan for my life. By knowing that before I was formed in my mother's womb, He knew me. That HE LOVES ME like no one else can. 

By recognizing that trust must be an action, not a feeling. 

The Bible says "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths" Proverbs 3:5-6

My trust has to be in God. My LEARNED trust is in God. He EARNS my trust. Every single day, even on the days that I don't deserve it (which are only the days that end in Y...). 

This isn't a final act either. I have to put trust into action each and every day. With each and every challenge; with every new person who comes into my life and with every disappointment and in the face of every fear. I must trust Him and Him alone.

But it's still hard! Hey I'm a work in progress!
:-/

In love, 
Mona

Don't Pinch Yourself

I love the movie "The Matrix". It's in my top 5 favorite movies of all times. I can't even tell you how many times I've seen it. Hundreds and hundreds of times, if I were to venture a guess. I can speak the dialogue right along with the characters. 

There is one scene in the movie, after Morpheus (Laurence Fishburne) had been captured by the agents and Agent Smith (Hugo Weaving) told him about the previous version of the Matrix:

Agent Smith: Did you know that the first Matrix was designed to be a perfect human world? Where none suffered, where everyone would be happy. It was a disaster. No one would accept the program. Entire crops were lost. Some believed we lacked the programming language to describe your perfect world. But I believe that, as a species, human beings define their reality through suffering and misery. The perfect world was a dream that your primitive cerebrum kept trying to wake up from. Which is why the Matrix was redesigned to this: the peak of your civilization. 

This speech struck me recently. I wonder if, as Christians, do we really know how to accept the good that God brings to our lives?

Are we so accustomed to praying and praising when all hell is breaking loose around us, that we have lost the ability to actually accept and appreciate when heaven opens up over our heads. I'm not talking about when God brings us out of a situation. We have no problem rejoicing in that situation. I'm talking about when you get the truly unexpected, unearned, undeserved good thing in your life. 

Why do we question it?

Why can't we accept it at face value? 

Are we like the humans in Agents Smith's speech , in that we keep trying to wake up from a dream when it's just *too* good? 

But aren't we to expect that "too good" thing at some point in this Christian walk?

"Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:3-4

Why do we question God doing exactly what His word speaks? 

Doesn't God say "Then said the Lord unto me, Thou hast well seen: for I will hasten my word to perform it." Jeremiah 1:12

He says He will watch over his word to perform it. 

“God is not a man, that He should lie, nor a son of man, that He should repent. Has He said, and will He not do? Or has He spoken, and will He not make it good?" Numbers 23:19

Sometimes, just sometimes, all of this faith that we have means that we have to stop trying to wake up from God's gifts. 

*Especially* when He is sending you just what you have always wanted. 

YOU DESERVE THIS GOOD THING. Whatever this is. Trust and believe that God wants good for you. He even told you so. 

"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart. I will be found by you, says the Lord, and I will bring you back from your captivity; I will gather you from all the nations and from all the places where I have driven you, says the Lord, and I will bring you to the place from which I cause you to be carried away captive." Jeremiah 29:11-14

Stop pinching yourself. Stop trying to wake up. Stop running away from God's good thing. Stop questioning. Accept it and be grateful for it. He loves you!

In love, 

Mona

Fire Bug!

I can't even believe I'm about to tell you this story...

When I was 6 years old, my Grandma Jessie had gotten new living room furniture and new carpeting. Naturally, because it was new she put 1970's-style slip covers over this beautiful furniture....fringed at the bottom and everything! It was NICE!

So one day, 6 year old me was home watching tv alone in the living room, mindlessly playing with the fringe along the bottom of the slip cover, when I noticed that some of the fringes were connected together. For some reason this bothered me A LOT. Luckily there was a box of matches sitting on the end table and I got a brilliant idea!! If I ran a match through the fringe, it would separate and everything would be alright in the world! So I did it. AND IT WORKED!! Naturally I ran a match through a few more fringes to separate those too. Man, that was fun. 

Of course, I quickly got bored with that game and and went into the kitchen to get some water. And when I came back into the living room the entire side of my grandmother's armchair was ON FIRE!!! 

PANIC!

I ran into the kitchen and turned the faucet on full blast and stuck my cup underneath the tap. When I pulled the cup back from the tap, it was nearly empty!! That was my first lesson in aquatic thermodynamics or physics or whatever! Because fast running water doesn't fill up a small cup at all!!

PANIC!

I screamed and my Uncle Louie came running down the stairs, flipped over the chair to put out the fire, which also happened to burn the new carpet at the same time. Did I mention I was in a state of 

PANIC!

Thank the Lord above, tragedy was averted. Uncle Louie saved my little life and apparently neither my grandparents or my parents killed me because I am here to tell the tale. I have no idea how I survived. I don't even think I got a whoopin' or anything, or maybe my poor little brain chooses not to remember it. I did get a new nickname, as everyone called me Fire Bug for the longest time after. 

That tiny flame on the end of that small matchstick taught me a valuable lesson about the power of fire. What starts out as a small spark can become a raging inferno in just a matter of seconds. 

Recently a dear friend of my mine had an awesome life altering tried-and-true-you-won't-believe-what-just-happened-to-me experience with Jesus and the Holy Spirit. It's not my story to tell, but trust me, it is an amazing awe-inspiring testimony.

And in the sharing of the story with me, I found myself overwhelmed with joy and overflowing with tears. 

I want to back up just a minute because a week or so ago I prayed to God about a lack of passion I was feeling. I acknowledged that I knew I wasn't on my game as far as how I study, pray, worship etc. I wanted to feel that excited drive to get to know Him as I once had. I felt as though I had once been a beautiful, vibrant and colorful tree, but had just dried up into a piece of old timber.

So as my friend is sharing with me, something was ignited and I begin to minister, to relate my experiences, to give scriptural references that would help bring clarity to the situation. And by sharing and talking for hours and hours and hours, a flame was struck in my spirit. 

A spark of Holy Ghost fire brushed up again my raggedy old dried up timber spirit and it erupted in raging fire.  I was reminded of what was already deep down inside of me; reminded of the truth that existed within.

We agreed to pray and read and study together. To feed this hunger to get to know Him together. Each one's flame feeding the other person fire. Together. 

What an amazing experience about the power of God to use anyone and anything to give us what we ask for, when we seek Him Only. 

The challenge is to keep the fire burning, like the priests of old who were commanded "The fire must be kept burning on the altar continuously; it must not go out." Leviticus 6:13

I pray that you find yourself near a spark of Holy Spirit and that you ignite your passion, your purpose and your hunger for Him all over again. 

In love,
Mona 

Time Heals

Time Heals All Wounds.

I can't count how many times I have spoken that phrase to people over the course of my life. The words rolled off my tongue with such ease when I was trying to help someone get over something or through a situation. 4 words that are so simple to say when the "time" and "healing" is for someone else.  I don't even think I knew what the words meant. It's just something I heard someone say and I adopted it for myself to spread around. 

"Don't worry, time heals all wounds"

That is until I was wounded, and someone said those 4 words to me.

*Hearing* the words, when you are suffering your own hurt, pain, brokenness, anguish or devastation is an entirely different ballgame. Who are you to tell me what time will do for me? Don't you know how deep these wounds are? 

My husband abandoned me.

My child died.

I lost my job.

I was molested. 

My wife cheated on me. 

My husband beat me. 

The bank foreclosed on my house. 

I have no food and no money.

You. Have. No. Idea. What. I'm. Going. Through. 

It's almost offensive to hear when you're in the midst of what feels like the end of all that you know. When your world has been turned upside down and inside out. When you struggle to find a reason to get out of bed. When all that you held dear slips away. I don't want to hear your empty phrase about time healing. 

But the truth of the matter is that time *does* heal. Except, it's not just the passage of time that heals, but what you DO with and during that time. 

If you sit in your living room in the dark for 2 years, a whole lot of time will have passed, but none of your wounds will be properly healed. You will sit and stew on your problems for 24 months. In fact, you'll create a few more physical and emotional wounds by doing it that way. 

So what are you doing in your "time"?

Are you seeking God for healing? 
 “Nevertheless, I will bring health and healing to it; I will heal my people and will let them enjoy abundant peace and security" Jeremiah 33:6 

Are you praying for the ability to forgive those that hurt you? 

"Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.” Mark 11:24-25

Are you reading your bible to find out what He has to say about healing?

Are you starting a blog or a journal to explore your feelings and to get them out of your system and onto paper or the internet? 

Are you listening to music that can uplift you and edify you during your times of sorrow?

Are you surrounding yourself with people who can speak life to you? Who can speak God's Word into your life?  

"The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing." Proverbs 12:18

Are you in therapy or starting medication?

Are you finding ways to stay active and staying in a circle of friends?

What you DO in your "time" is what facilitates healing. 

It's not an easy journey to healing. Journeys never are. But relentless focus on being better, doing better, feeling better is what matters. Even on the days when you can't. Every action forward is a piece of healing and the passage of time. 

Yes time heals all wounds. But it takes time, persistence, faith, hope, love, friends and prayers. 

I pray you are on your road to healing. 

In love, 

Mona

 




 
 

Worry Wart

I am a worrier. I worry about everything, big and small. I am always planning for the worst case scenario in every situation I find myself in. It's just who I am. It's how I was made. 

Worrying and this Christian walk don't mesh though. 

I've had folks tell me that by worrying, I am saying I don't have faith in God. Of course I have faith. I know that ultimately God is going to work it out. That doesn't stop me from worrying about how He's going to do it and when He's going to do it and who is He going to use to do it. So I guess I have worrisome faith. Just being honest.

Of the pretty severe life trials that I am going through right now I have been taking my worry to a whole 'nother level. I've at Peak Level Worry. DefCon 1 Level Worry. 

I think I'm hiding my worry, but my nearest and dearest know that I worry. They see it hidden behind that "Everything Is Okay" Smile that I have perfected. 

Know who else has seen my worry? God. He actually called me out about it on Sunday through my pastor. 

SN: Funny how God works like that with me. Just when I think He isn't paying any attention He goes and shows out in front of the whole church!!

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith?  So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:25-34

And my pastor specifically talked to me about my worrying later in the service. Creepy right?

The following day I was in such a state. So many things going wrong both at home and at work and I had to remind myself about this scripture. I read it online and put a printed copy on my desk to read every single day. As a reminder.

A reminder that no matter how crazy and upside down and topsy turvy my life is, I still know that God has a purpose and a plan for my life. I know that NOTHING and NO ONE can stop what God has put in motion for me.  So what's to worry about? 

Even if I lost everything, I understand, like Job, that God is in the mix. If a door closes, a window will open.  And if He does nothing else for me from this day forward, He has already done plenty. He saved me. 

So I'm not going to worry.

Much. 

In love,
Mona

My Battle With Depression

On July 4, 2009 I discovered that my husband was emotionally involved with someone else. That emotional involvement eventually become a physical one and we were divorced two years later. That's a 30 word description for a series of events that thoroughly changed my life. 

I started this blog because it was the only way I was able to channel my fears and feelings. I had no idea that God would give me this gifting and that I would be able to help a single person beyond myself, but apparently I have and to God be the glory. 

My first blog entry was called 10 Count ---> 10 Count and it started my process of trying to deal with the hand I had been dealt. I blogged pretty continually from August 2009 to June 2010 when I wrote my last entry called Dream Deferred ---> Dream Deferred. Well it was my last entry for a long time at least. God and I broke up. My blog and I broke up. I was so knocked over by what had happened to my marriage that I truly lost track of myself. 

In the few years following that 2010 entry I made a lot of bad choices. Well, not bad choices, but choices that I would not have made if I had held on to what I knew to be true about myself and God. But I can't relive the past. 

One important thing that happened was I spent a lot of time pretending that I was okay. Pretending for my kids' sake, and for my friends and family, that I was strong. I wasn't going to let this get me down. That I could handle it. I am a strong woman. Asking for help was a weakness. Relying on others was weakness. So I swallowed the bulk of my pain and anguish. I buried my sadness and despair deep down. I'm not saying I didn't cry. I did cry. A LOT. 

I'm not saying I didn't share some feelings with my nearest and dearest. I did. But I would only say so much. I would only go just so deep. I didn't want them to know I was weak. I didn't want them to think I couldn't handle it. So I shut it up deep down inside. 

Until the summer of 2012. It was then, after I had suffered financial difficulties and worked up a gambling problem that I found myself unable to deal anymore. I was cracking. I was losing my ability to keep it together. I just couldn't anymore. I cried all the time. I stayed in bed all the time. Oh, I still went to work every single day. (Cuz that's what we do, right?) but the minute I came home I got in the bed and didn't get out until the next morning. I could not wait until Friday because when I got home from work I could stay in the bed all the way until Monday. 

I would find myself waking up in the middle of the night and crying for hours. I had tears siting right under the surface at all times. 

I still managed to put on a brave face for people when they were around. But I was counting the seconds until I could get back in the bed again. 

I remember saying to people that I was feeling down and that I didn't want to do anything or go anwhere. I thought I was screaming it at the top of my lungs:

I AM DEPRESSED! HELP ME! I CAN'T STOP CRYING! I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME!

But what I was really doing was whispering super softly:

i am depressed. help me. i can't stop crying. i don't know what's wrong with me. 

And I wondered why no one was hearing me. Why doesn't anyone care?

Did I think about suicide? Not actively. But I had driven down the thruway and thought to myself "if a deer runs out, I won't try to avoid it". I had been driving and thought about a wind coming along and pushing my car into a tree. I had thought about getting cancer. So no, I didn't want to kill myself, but there were dangerous thoughts in my head. 

I don't know what made me call my mom that day so many months later. I don't know why I finally said it out loud. But I did. She asked me if I wanted to hurt myself and I said not really and shared the above thoughts with her. And smartly, she urged me to go and see my doctor. She said I was depressed and that I needed some medication and that I need to see a therapist as well. 

And thankfully I did go and immediately my doctor diagnosed me with depression. And in December prescribed Prozac, which I am still taking today. After a few weeks I started to feel the difference. I had to force myself to go outside on the weekends, and I had to force myself not to come home and get in the bed but I did. I had a few sessions with a therapist and finally started to deal with my feelings about my ex-husband. 

And I finally started going back to church. 

All of those things have brought about my healing. My physical, mental and spiritual parts were getting healed. 

I know often times Christians believe that depression is a work of the enemy. Trust me when I tell you that depression is often a chemical imbalance in the brain. Or your body's way of manifesting suppressed hurt and emotions. And medication is often the right answer. Only a doctor knows for sure. 

Do I believe in the power of prayer? Of course I do. But in the midst of my depression, I was totally UNABLE to pray. Or worship. Or sing. Or do anything for that matter. And I'm glad I went and got treatment. 

Not only did I need the pills to help with the chemical imbalance, I need my Balm in Gilead as well. "Is there no balm in Gilead? Is there no physician there? Why then is there no healing for the wound of my people?" - Jeremiah 8:22. 

I had to remember the Word that God gave to me years before "Nevertheless, I will bring health and healing to it; I will heal my people and will let them enjoy abundant peace and security" - Jeremiah 33:6. Words that I thought meant something else entirely.

I had to do it all together. I am grateful to God that He gave my mom, my doctor AND my pastor the wisdom to aid in my healing. 

If you are feeling down, please seek help, from you pastor AND your doctor. The bible does say that by His stripes we are healed. That healing comes from God, and often through doctors and therapists. 

In love,
Mona

Fearfully Made

Hips too full or too narrow

Behind too big or non-existent

Eyes too wide or too set together

Ears too big or too small

Hair too short or too nappy or too sewn in

Body too thin or too wide

Knees too knobby or too scabby

Mouth too big and voice too loud

Shut up! Speak up!

Skin too dark or too light

Yell too much

Cry to easily

Back too stiff

Mind too stubborn

Prayers too loud or too silent

Faith too weak

Mirror too real and shows too much truth

We are too much of one thing and not enough of another. In our own eyes. In our own minds. 

But the bible says: I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, and that my soul knows very well. My frame was not hidden from You, when I was made in secret and skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth. Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed and in Your book they all were written. The days fashioned for me, when as yet there were none of them. (Psalm 139:14-16)

So what a minute. We were fearfully and wonderfully made? On purpose? God knew all that we would need to be for His glory.

So a small frail child, who saw unspeakable tragedies in Liberia, would grow up to be still small of frame but would birth 4 strong and beautiful God-loving children and yet remain strong enough to carry the weight of an entire ministry on her shoulders?

A young child, who’s life would change at 6 years old, would suffer abuse at the hands of so many, would be knitted together so strongly in God’s hands so as to bend but never to break. To expose her wounds and scars so transparently so that others might be healed?

But what about you?

God made your hips wide because you would need to help carry a child you did not give birth to. 

God made your mouth loud so that when you spoke of His grace, someone would hear you and be saved.

God made the skin on your knees tough because you would spend many hours on them, praying someone from the edges of death.

God made your lips thick because they would need to carry His praises and worship Him. 

Your eyes to see, your ears to hear, your softness to console, your hardness to withstand, and all in His Perfect Will. 

Fearfully.

Wonderfully.

Marvelously. 

Skillfully.

And for this we shall praise Him. 

Fraidy Cat

I've been living in fear for long that it's become as normal as breathing. 

I've been afraid of failing, afraid to succeed, afraid to be honest, afraid people won't like me when they get to know me, afraid of my very shadow. I became adept at hiding away my fears from everyone, mostly myself.

I was always smart as a child. I learned to read early and people would ask me to read things from books and magazines as though I were a circus act. My brother often struggled academically and I remember people suggesting that he ask me for help. His baby sister who was 3 1/2 years younger than he was. How awful for him. I subconsciously became ashamed and afraid of my intelligence. I would only do and show enough to get approval. Eventually I would become lazy enough to not even want to do that. I found various and wonderfully unique ways to sabotage my academic success. I was still smart after all. 

As I got older, and thicker, I, like most teenagers, got afraid of not ever having a boyfriend. I didn't think I was pretty enough, or thin enough or just 'enough' for a guy to like me. And like most teenagers I decided that if I was a little more "open" than the next girl, then I would have a boyfriend. I gave away my power and lost a lot of myself during that time. 

I got pregnant at 18 and became terrified. Every parent out there knows that feeling. Afraid of not being a good mom, afraid of the responsibility of caring for another human life, afraid of him getting sick, afraid of me getting sick. And mostly afraid to admit that I had no earthly idea what I was doing. I hid that fear masterfully. 

After I got married, I became afraid of losing him. I feared that if I got fat, he would leave me. I feared his mother would convince him that I really wasn't good enough for him, just like she thought. I feared that some other prettier, stronger, thinner, more responsible woman would sweep through and take what was mine. After some time I really did manage to suppress that fear almost to nothing. Until he actually did leave. Now I'm more afraid than ever. Afraid that no one will ever love me again. Afraid that I'll end up alone, and worse, end up lonely. 

I am afraid of my strengths and my weaknesses. I am afraid to expose too much of either one to people lest they think I am too much of one or the other. And then what good am I?

I am afraid of living in the shadow of one of the greatest Women of God I have ever known. My mom is an amazing preacher, teacher and healer of broken women. She is transparency personified. She mothers so many women and I am afraid of my jealousy towards them.  I am afraid they will look at me and know that I am not the same as she and they will not value me. 

I'm afraid of not being successful at things that I do. That fear makes me not want to try. I  am afraid of my spirituality and of my gifts. I am afraid of the responsibility of sharing Christ's love with another person. What if I don't do it right? What if I cause more harm than good? What if they knew about all of my fears and insecurities? Why would anyone listen to me?

But worst of all, I am afraid that I will never be good enough for Him.

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." 2 Timothy 1:7

I know. 

It is this simple, yet masterful sentence that gets me out of bed in the morning. It's what keeps me in check. It is this spirit that allows me to type out my greatest fears for all to read and know that every reader will know exactly where I'm coming from and not judge me one bit. It's this spirit that helps me to be honest with myself and others about the role of God in my life. It gives me purpose.

Also I know that God already knew what I would be dealing with and so he specifically sent me these kids, that husband, that mom, those friends, to teach me the lessons that I need to learn about myself. They are my mirror that He uses to show me myself. And for that I am grateful. 

Of course I'm good enough for Him. He made me and He doesn't make mistakes. 

In love,
Mona

Saving Me

When I met my husband in 1989, I was a bit of a mess. I was a 21-year old college dropout, mother of a 2-year old son and I had no direction. In the first 3 months of our relationship, I had my car repossessed, was evicted from my apartment and lived for a short time in a homeless hotel. I was a lot of a mess. And he loved me. He rode in on his white horse, like a true knight in shining armor, and he saved me from myself. He accepted my son as his own, he helped me get my finances in a little bit of order and the three of us became a family. He helped me to be more responsible and most importantly, he loved me. 100% loved me, flaws and all. We were good friends. I came into the relationship with a son, debt and some clothes. He had clothes and a television and we were determined to make it work. 

On March 4, 1990 we got married, just the three of us at the Little Chapel in National City. And my life took on a whole new meaning. I was all at once a mom and a military wife. I was responsible for keeping the home fires burning while he was away serving in the Navy. I had to take care of home when he was away for as long as 6 months overseas. It was a challenge sometimes, but we loved each other immensely. And we made it work. He was my soulmate, sent from God to save me. 

From nothing we built a life. We bought furniture and cars. We had a daughter to round out our family of four. We eventually moved east and bought a house and got dogs. We had a great life. Sure we struggled along the way. But we always made it through. We were like Mr. and Mrs. MacGyver. There wasn't anything we couldn't do together. We were a unit. And nothing would ever come between us. It was us against the world. 

For 19 years. In 19 years we created an amazing life together, raised two awesome kids, lived in a beautiful home, drove nice cars, traveled a little here and there. But 19 years was all there was going to be. Eventually something did come between us. Time and distance. 

July 4, 2009 was the beginning of the end. It was a day I could not have ever imagined. It was a day outside of any realm of possibility for me and my life. It still feels like a dream, even to this day. But it wasn't. 

Long story short, we were divorced 2 years later. It was finalized on June 15, 2011. And I regretted it from that very moment. There is a whole lot of story in those two years, but that's not what this post is about. 

From the time that my divorce was final until today, March 3, 2013 I have been waiting for him to come back and save me again. I've been waiting for him to 'come to his senses' and return to me to help me get my life back on track. How was I supposed to manage this house alone? What if the roof caved in? My finances are an absolute mess, but if he came back, we could sort that out together, just like we did back when we were in our twenties. We were supposed to grow old together and spoil grandkids together. He had to be here for that, right? What if I got sick, wouldn't he come back then to nurse me? Surely if I got cancer, he would be back in a flash to care for me. He loves me. Right? 

I suffered from severe depression. I held all of my feelings, sadness, despair, hopelessness, helplessness and faithlessness inside for so long. I was a wreck. If only he'd come back to fix me again just like he did when I was 21. It would all be okay again, right? 

Wrong.

The problem was not that he wasn't coming back to save me. The problem was that I was already BEING saved, by God and I just couldn't see it. No, I take that back. I saw a lot of God saving me over these last few years. I did. He saved me in some really huge ways. I almost had my house foreclosed, but God kept a roof over our head and we never got foreclosed, even after not having paid my mortgage for 9 months. And I ended up actually paying a lesser amount than before. 

I was without a job for almost 4 months with no unemployment. And the lights stayed on, and there was food in the refrigerator and my bills were paid. Plenty of that help came from my friends and family, who went out of their way to help me. I was being saved.

But I was looking for an emotional saving. I was looking for my old life back. My old marriage and my old friend. Without that, who was I? Why was I? I felt like I was never going to be truly happy until he came back. That part of me that was missing; that hole in my heart that was carved out and waiting for him. I wanted that part back. 

Today I was told, and finally realized, that my ex-husband isn't going to save me, but it's God. God is going to restore my life, better than it was before. God has been working in me and on me in the last few years, despite my bitterness and anger towards Him, to get me to the place to recognize that HE is my saving grace. HE is my knight in shining armor, my shelter in the storm and my very present help. 

Years ago God gave me a passage in Jeremiah 33 which said:


6 “‘Nevertheless, I will bring health and healing to it; I will heal my people and will let them enjoy abundant peace and security. 7 I will bring Judah and Israel back from captivity and will rebuild them as they were before. 8 I will cleanse them from all the sin they have committed against me and will forgive all their sins of rebellion against me. 9 Then this city will bring me renown, joy, praise and honor before all nations on earth that hear of all the good things I do for it; and they will be in awe and will tremble at the abundant prosperity and peace I provide for it.’

10 “This is what the Lord says: ‘You say about this place, “It is a desolate waste, without people or animals.” Yet in the towns of Judah and the streets of Jerusalem that are deserted, inhabited by neither people nor animals, there will be heard once more 11 the sounds of joy and gladness, the voices of bride and bridegroom, and the voices of those who bring thank offerings to the house of the Lord, saying,

“Give thanks to the Lord Almighty,
for the Lord is good;
his love endures forever.”
For I will restore the fortunes of the land as they were before,’ says the Lord.

And all this time I thought He meant that my marriage was going to be restored. When all along He meant that "I" was going to be restored. That I would once again have my passion for Him again. I would have my gifts and talents on display for Him. That I would be able to speak to others and share my story for His glory. I would write a blog post and someone would find strength, or assurance, or peace again through Him. 

Jeremiah 33 is Him saving me. And he's been saving me, day after day, mistake after mistake, tear after tear, fear after fear, pain upon pain; until I could start to see and hear Him again. Until I could feel joy and passion again. Until I could find my saving in Him. 

My knight in shining armor. 

In love,
Mona