Risky Business

I keep starting this blog over and over again. I can't seem to find the right words to begin this one. It's about trust. Gaining it. Giving it. Losing it. It's a small word with huge meaning and usually has an enormous impact on our lives. 

Trust begins at infancy. Babies learn to believe in and rely on those around them to protect them from harm. A baby cries and someone responds with a bottle or a diaper change or picking it up. The baby begins to understand that if they cry, someone will do something. As a child ages and explores, the trust is expanded; as they learn to sit, crawl, walk and run, play, etc. The key here is that trust is learned. It's not automatic, like breathing or blinking.  Trust is learned and it's earned.  

Sadly we also learn all to quickly that to trust, to rely on the behaviors of another person, is to risk. To risk that the behavior we are expecting won't happen.

I took a Marriage and Family class in high school and the only thing I remember from that class is that relationships need 5 things to be successful; Communication, Love, Empathy, Respect and Trust; and if you are missing one, the relationship suffers. They are so interwoven. Without one you lose another, or two or three. Without trust, you have nothing. 

When my ex-husband cheated on me, there was still love, but the respect and empathy was gone. Trust was shattered. Without trust, communication was stilted and guarded. He showed me that I could not trust him to continue to protect me and keep me safe.

He's human. He makes mistakes. We are human. We make mistakes. I am human. I make mistakes. I have violated someone's trust. I showed someone that I could not be relied on to be what they needed me to be for them. 

Human.

That's what brings me to this blog. 

I remember a conversation I had with my mom about God and why it was so hard for me to give my all to Him. She told me it was because I didn't trust Him. Mostly because I made the mistake of thinking of Him as 'father', as 'man', the same way I would anyone else. Fallible.

WHY IS IT SO HARD TO TRUST HIM???

God, I wish I knew. Maybe because I keep expecting Him to act like everyone else and eventually leave me. Maybe I think that because I make so many mistakes that He will eventually "love me but not BE in love with me" like my ex-husband. Maybe he will see behind the mask of who I pretend to be and decide that I'm not who He wants. Maybe He will see another soul out there who can do better, be better, look better, act better than I can. Maybe I won't be enough for him. Maybe. 

Some of you reading those thoughts might say it's ridiculous. But some of you reading it see yourself.  That's me, right there, all exposed and out in the open. And when I feel like that I have to remember that God is not like anyone else. God has never done anything to make me not trust Him. He has never broken a promise or a vow. He has never forsaken me for another. He never cheated on me. He never lied to me or hid things from me. He never acted the way folks in my life have acted. He never did anything to show me that He would not protect me and keep me safe. Never not once. 

Has life been tough? Sure. Have I made mistakes? Of course. Is it because of God? Not in any way. It was always because of my own mess. 

So how do I trust God? By doing it. By remembering that He created me, in His image, to be a glory to Himself. By reading the Word and understanding how God sees me. By believing that He has a purpose and a plan for my life. By knowing that before I was formed in my mother's womb, He knew me. That HE LOVES ME like no one else can. 

By recognizing that trust must be an action, not a feeling. 

The Bible says "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths" Proverbs 3:5-6

My trust has to be in God. My LEARNED trust is in God. He EARNS my trust. Every single day, even on the days that I don't deserve it (which are only the days that end in Y...). 

This isn't a final act either. I have to put trust into action each and every day. With each and every challenge; with every new person who comes into my life and with every disappointment and in the face of every fear. I must trust Him and Him alone.

But it's still hard! Hey I'm a work in progress!
:-/

In love, 
Mona