Why Faith

Back a while I kept hearing from God that I was going to be restored; that my marriage was going to be restored. It was Jeremiah 33. I kept getting it over and over and over. I prayed on it, meditated on it and believed on it with all of my heart and soul. It was going to come to pass. It just was because God said it was. Done. 

Then I found out something about my husband that shattered my belief in Jeremiah 33. And if God had meant that restoration then why did this thing occur? How could there be restoration after this? No way.

Then the questions started. Did God really say that? Did I hear it right? Maybe I made up that whole thing in my head, in my desperation to get my marriage back. What was I hearing? If I was only hearing my own sad and pitiful attempts to hold on to something, then maybe nothing I ever heard was real. 

Maybe God wasn't real. How could I even know now? 

If God was real, why would he promise me restoration only to have it shattered right before my eyes? I asked God for answers and got nothing in return. I cried, cussed, begged, pleaded, cajoled and wailed for a response. Anything to hold on to. Anything to keep on believing. I got nothing. 

I was so angry. At God for giving me false hope. At myself for deceiving my own thoughts. And God some more for not showing me something to keep on going. 

SHOW ME ANYTHING. SAY SOMETHING. ANYTHING...... nothing.

How? Why? I don't get it. 

Worse I was surrounded by all kinds of Christian platitudes about why God becomes silent. How Christians have to have desert experiences. Maybe I didn't believe enough. Maybe I didn't have enough faith. Maybe it wasn't God's time. Maybe I didn't do everything God wanted me to do. Maybe maybe maybe. Forget that.

So all the blame falls on me. Okay then. So when I seek God and ask Him to show me what to do, how to do it and when - and I hear nothing. Then who is really to blame? 

I asked for clarity, guidance, whatever I need to do. Nothing. 

Where did I go wrong God? Nothing. 

Am I on the wrong track God? Nothing.

I am scared I am losing faith, God. Nothing.

I am scared I am start to not believe, God. Nothing.

Show me a reason to believe, God. Nothing. 

Maybe there is no God. Nothing. 

Truth be told, I actually wanted to not believe anymore. I wanted the freedom from the constraints of religion and spirituality that atheists have. I wanted it so badly. But try as I might I could not let it go. 

That's insanity. I had no reason to believe. God clearly didn't care if I believed anymore since all of my efforts to get Him to tell me otherwise fell on deaf ears, so to speak. Why in God's name would I still believe? 

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Because I do. 

The whole of my life's experiences demand it. The things I have seen and felt and known in my life prove it. Once, a long time ago, I confessed that Jesus Christ died on the cross for my sins, rose again and is sitting on the right hand of God. I confessed that Jesus Christ was my Lord and Savior. And in doing so guaranteed that all my sins were washed away.

I didn't say He was my Savior, but only if things went my way. 

I didn't say He was my Savior, when I felt good and things were good.

I didn't say He was my Savior, only when I could hear His voice and sing His praises.

I said He was and He is. 

And if God never speaks another word to me; if he never does another thing for me; if never intercedes for me, He did send His Son to die on the cross for me. 

And that is enough. 

But I know that God has a purpose and plan for my life. I know the plans he has for me are good and not evil. I know that before I was formed in my mother's womb He knew me and set me apart. I know that I know that I know. No matter what.

That's why faith.