Faith? Faith Hill maybe.

This blog is called Fanning the Flames of Faith. What happens when the blogger, me, loses faith? What do I do? Do I change the name of the blog? I don't know.


It's weird to write that I have lost my faith. It such a foreign concept to me, to lose faith. But I guess it happens to everyone at some point in time. I can't imagine my mom reading this, or any of my best friends, reading this and really understanding what a huge moment this is for me. 


I can't say that I have lost all faith. I mean the bible says that God gives each of a mustard seed of faith. So I guess it's more accurate to say that all I feel left with it that little teeny tiny mustard seed of faith. Everything else, that storehouse of faith I used to have, has long since been depleted. I guess there was a tiny little crack in the wall of my storehouse and all of my faith started leaking out. I even know what caused the crack. It was the moment I realized that all that I had been blogging about, all that I had been praying for, the restoration of my marriage, was not going to happen. Nothing I did, said, prayed or believed was going to put Humpty Dumpty back together again. It cracked my wall and all of my faith started pouring out.


I could feel it happen. In fact, if I think about it, it wasn't even a slow leak of my faith. It was really more like a mad rush, like water busting through a dam. Oh maybe it was a dribble at first but it grew and grew and grew until one day I was all out of faith. 


I am all out of it right now. I have a whole lot of awful going on in my life at the moment. I will eventually get into it. But right now I'll start with the confession that my little blog about faith is going to be a little different for a while. 


I am deep in a hole. A hole of despair and sadness and shame and anxiety and loneliness. I can't see or hear God right now. I am bordering on losing all of my belief. I'm in a vicious circle of not being able to pray but knowing, logically, that I need to pray. I can't. I can yell at God. I can rant and rave about this hole I'm in. But I can't pray and I certainly can't praise. I can't see my way forward. I can't see how this gets any better. 


And I have to start talking about this or lose what's left of my mind. 


If you believe, then pray for me. If you trust, then trust for me. If you sing, then sing for me. If you hope, then hope for me. Because I am all out. I can't right now. 


Back later.