Nevertheless

I know lots of Christians don't believe in horoscopes or astrology. Indulge me. I'm a Virgo (born between August 22-September 23). And most descriptions of Virgo tend to include words like analytical, precise, independent, frank, honest and critical. We worry. A lot. We are often described as control freaks and perfectionists. Yeah...pretty much.

I am all of those things. And more. But I am most assuredly an independent control freak. I like to take care of myself and everything around me. I like to be in control of my surroundings and my destiny. 

I like to be in control. Like Janet

Being a person who likes to be... no, NEEDS to be, in control of everything sometimes makes this Christian walk a very difficult one.

Trusting God, and His Word, means giving up control. I used to think I did that. I would constantly say 'not my will, but your will be done' but I didn't mean it. I said I wanted His will for my life, but I meant as long as it was what I wanted. As long as it His promises were fulfilled right away. As long as it looked like I wanted it to look like. 

I never meant it for real. 

Probably the only one who ever really meant it was Jesus.
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Then Jesus came with them to a place called Gethsemane, and said to the disciples, “Sit here while I go and pray over there.” And He took with Him Peter and the two sons of Zebedee, and He began to be sorrowful and deeply distressed. Then He said to them, “My soul is exceedingly sorrowful, even to death. Stay here and watch with Me.”

He went a little farther and fell on His face, and prayed, saying, “O My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from Me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as You will. Matthew 26:36-39
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Jesus actually meant that. He was serious in that He knew that everything He was going to face after He left the Garden at Gethsemane was going to be harsh, brutal and torturous. His flesh would want to avoid that at all costs. But He knew it had to happen. His spirit was aware of the implications and He made the choice to go forward. In full knowledge of what was to come and with All Power to stop it at any time. 

Because it wasn't for Him. It was for us. 
Nevertheless, not His will but God's will be done. 
Nevertheless.
In spite of. 

Learning to walk in God's will is excruciatingly hard for someone like me. Because I have to have my hand in all things Mona. I like to direct the movie that is my life. I want to dictate all of the ins and outs - and if you ask my friends and family, I like to direct their lives too. *shrug*

But recent events have helped me learn what 'nevertheless' really means. Leaving DC and moving home, not being able to find a job, having to rely on the kindness of friends and family to help me pay bills, keep gas in the car and food in the fridge. I have been brought to a low that I never thought possible. 

No one brought me here. I did this on my own, in my attempts to control my life outside of what I know is God's will. 

Humility is a terrible, scary, awful thing. But in humility I was able to really recognize the hand God has in my life. It was only in this low place was I able to see and appreciate the generous spirit of everyone in my life. Only from down here could I look up and see God in every one of my relationships. My ex-husband, my children, my parents, my friends have all done exceedingly above and beyond anything I would have expected of them. I am grateful. 

Despite not having any income or unemployment, and difficulty in finding a job, I have been sustained. I have had to learn to trust that God will provide. I have learned to understand that if I let Him, His will can be done. It will be done.

I do not for one minute believe that God put me in this place. No. I did that on my own. For certain. I am dealing with the consequences of my own actions. But God is here nevertheless.

I have found God's mercy and grace. In spite of not doing anything to earn it.

I know that He loves me. In spite of my very vocal doubts and fears. 

I am confident that He has a purpose and a plan for my life. In spite of me not fully trusting in this before. 

It has been a painful, depressing, sad, tragic journey  to this place of 'nevertheless'. I wish I could say I would make the same decisions if I had to do it all over again, but this is not a place for lies. I wouldn't. I most assuredly would try to trust God without all this mess. 

But I have learned some valuable life lessons inside of this mess. I learned that asking for help will not kill me dead. I learned that people will do whatever it takes to help me.  I learned that love is not dependent on the ability to pay back a debt. I learned that divorce does not end a 30 year friendship. I learned that what you invest in your relationships and your children, reaps a great reward. I learned that people love me. 

And I fear I have more to learn. But I am more ready for them than ever before. I am ready to begin to look at 'nevertheless' in a whole new way. 

Because apparently it's not about me anyway. 

Nevertheless, not my will, but His will be done. 

And I mean it this time. 

A Man Had Two Daughters

Many of us are familiar with the story of the Prodigal Son as told in Luke 15: 11-32. 

A man had two sons. His youngest son decides he wants to go off on his own and see the world. He asks his father for his share of his inheritance. His father gives it to him and off he goes, parties hard and squanders everything. Eventually the land he is in suffers a famine and he is left starving and is left to feed pigs. He's so hungry he wants to eat their slop. He comes to his senses and knows that his father has servants who eat 3 square meals a day. He decides to go back to his father to declare that he had sinned again God and him, beg his forgiveness and to ask, not to be his son again, but to simply get a job as a servant. Of course the father sees him and lays out a magnificent party for him, ordering the fatted calf to be killed in his honor. 

The oldest son finds out and refuses to attend the party. He confronts his dad saying "I have been here working day in and day out. I've done everything you've ever asked of me and I don't get so much as a goat. And this fool blows all of his cash and you throw him this celebration? Nah!"

The father tells him that everything he has belongs to him but his brother was once dead and now is alive. That is reason to celebrate!

And so?

Well upon hearing this story, as told by Andy Stanley, I realized that I have been both of these brothers within the last few years. And I think many of us have.

Rewind back to 2009-2010 when I was fighting hard for my marriage. God gave me a word and things to do and ways to behave. I did everything God asked me to do. I prayed, I praised, I worshipped, I trusted, I believed and I waited. And waited. And waited. To no avail. The restoration I was told was coming didn't come. In fact, situations arose that made restoration seemed completely impossible. 

And I got pissed. I confronted God and reminded Him that I had done everything he asked me to do. I was there, daily, on my knees and in worship. I was walking in blind faith, believing and trusting. I did what I was supposed to do. "How could you not give me what I was asking for. How could I believe in You anymore when I felt that You had lied to me. Betrayed me. Set me up for a fall. Not even a goat? Nah!"

So what did I do? I become the Prodigal One. I literally sold nearly everything I had a left for a faraway place. Well DC, but you get my meaning. I left behind all of the pain and sorrow and sadness and memories of the previous years. Or so I thought. But, like anyone who runs away and doesn't face up to the truth, a lot of reality hit me in the face. 

The decisions I made caused a lot of financial problems and I just wasn't happy there. Not as happy as I could be or should be. I missed my family and friends. I squandered everything and though I never got to the point where I was starving and had to feed pigs, I was spiritually starved and anxious for the love and comfort of those who knew and loved me. 

After a long tearful talk with my daughter, I called my mom and told her I wanted to come home. While there was no fatted calf killed on my behalf, my family and friends were, and still are, celebrating my return. 

Things financially are still a mess, but God is faithful. I have been without a job for 3 months. There is still a roof over my head, the lights are still on, I'm not hungry, the water is still running and I am making it. There is no explanation for it but that God Himself is glad that I'm home. He has proclaimed that I was once dead and now I am alive. Maybe the fatted calf is in Heaven, along with that grand celebration. 

He is working it out. This I know.

As for that restoration. I know he's working that out too. I just have to wait. And trust. And believe. 

If He said it, then it is. 

Why Faith

Back a while I kept hearing from God that I was going to be restored; that my marriage was going to be restored. It was Jeremiah 33. I kept getting it over and over and over. I prayed on it, meditated on it and believed on it with all of my heart and soul. It was going to come to pass. It just was because God said it was. Done. 

Then I found out something about my husband that shattered my belief in Jeremiah 33. And if God had meant that restoration then why did this thing occur? How could there be restoration after this? No way.

Then the questions started. Did God really say that? Did I hear it right? Maybe I made up that whole thing in my head, in my desperation to get my marriage back. What was I hearing? If I was only hearing my own sad and pitiful attempts to hold on to something, then maybe nothing I ever heard was real. 

Maybe God wasn't real. How could I even know now? 

If God was real, why would he promise me restoration only to have it shattered right before my eyes? I asked God for answers and got nothing in return. I cried, cussed, begged, pleaded, cajoled and wailed for a response. Anything to hold on to. Anything to keep on believing. I got nothing. 

I was so angry. At God for giving me false hope. At myself for deceiving my own thoughts. And God some more for not showing me something to keep on going. 

SHOW ME ANYTHING. SAY SOMETHING. ANYTHING...... nothing.

How? Why? I don't get it. 

Worse I was surrounded by all kinds of Christian platitudes about why God becomes silent. How Christians have to have desert experiences. Maybe I didn't believe enough. Maybe I didn't have enough faith. Maybe it wasn't God's time. Maybe I didn't do everything God wanted me to do. Maybe maybe maybe. Forget that.

So all the blame falls on me. Okay then. So when I seek God and ask Him to show me what to do, how to do it and when - and I hear nothing. Then who is really to blame? 

I asked for clarity, guidance, whatever I need to do. Nothing. 

Where did I go wrong God? Nothing. 

Am I on the wrong track God? Nothing.

I am scared I am losing faith, God. Nothing.

I am scared I am start to not believe, God. Nothing.

Show me a reason to believe, God. Nothing. 

Maybe there is no God. Nothing. 

Truth be told, I actually wanted to not believe anymore. I wanted the freedom from the constraints of religion and spirituality that atheists have. I wanted it so badly. But try as I might I could not let it go. 

That's insanity. I had no reason to believe. God clearly didn't care if I believed anymore since all of my efforts to get Him to tell me otherwise fell on deaf ears, so to speak. Why in God's name would I still believe? 

...

...

...

...

Because I do. 

The whole of my life's experiences demand it. The things I have seen and felt and known in my life prove it. Once, a long time ago, I confessed that Jesus Christ died on the cross for my sins, rose again and is sitting on the right hand of God. I confessed that Jesus Christ was my Lord and Savior. And in doing so guaranteed that all my sins were washed away.

I didn't say He was my Savior, but only if things went my way. 

I didn't say He was my Savior, when I felt good and things were good.

I didn't say He was my Savior, only when I could hear His voice and sing His praises.

I said He was and He is. 

And if God never speaks another word to me; if he never does another thing for me; if never intercedes for me, He did send His Son to die on the cross for me. 

And that is enough. 

But I know that God has a purpose and plan for my life. I know the plans he has for me are good and not evil. I know that before I was formed in my mother's womb He knew me and set me apart. I know that I know that I know. No matter what.

That's why faith.

Faith? Faith Hill maybe.

This blog is called Fanning the Flames of Faith. What happens when the blogger, me, loses faith? What do I do? Do I change the name of the blog? I don't know.


It's weird to write that I have lost my faith. It such a foreign concept to me, to lose faith. But I guess it happens to everyone at some point in time. I can't imagine my mom reading this, or any of my best friends, reading this and really understanding what a huge moment this is for me. 


I can't say that I have lost all faith. I mean the bible says that God gives each of a mustard seed of faith. So I guess it's more accurate to say that all I feel left with it that little teeny tiny mustard seed of faith. Everything else, that storehouse of faith I used to have, has long since been depleted. I guess there was a tiny little crack in the wall of my storehouse and all of my faith started leaking out. I even know what caused the crack. It was the moment I realized that all that I had been blogging about, all that I had been praying for, the restoration of my marriage, was not going to happen. Nothing I did, said, prayed or believed was going to put Humpty Dumpty back together again. It cracked my wall and all of my faith started pouring out.


I could feel it happen. In fact, if I think about it, it wasn't even a slow leak of my faith. It was really more like a mad rush, like water busting through a dam. Oh maybe it was a dribble at first but it grew and grew and grew until one day I was all out of faith. 


I am all out of it right now. I have a whole lot of awful going on in my life at the moment. I will eventually get into it. But right now I'll start with the confession that my little blog about faith is going to be a little different for a while. 


I am deep in a hole. A hole of despair and sadness and shame and anxiety and loneliness. I can't see or hear God right now. I am bordering on losing all of my belief. I'm in a vicious circle of not being able to pray but knowing, logically, that I need to pray. I can't. I can yell at God. I can rant and rave about this hole I'm in. But I can't pray and I certainly can't praise. I can't see my way forward. I can't see how this gets any better. 


And I have to start talking about this or lose what's left of my mind. 


If you believe, then pray for me. If you trust, then trust for me. If you sing, then sing for me. If you hope, then hope for me. Because I am all out. I can't right now. 


Back later.