So What

They say that transparency is painful. For me it's terrifying. It seems easy to sit at your computer and type out all of your thoughts and feelings. And it is. It's often quite healing. But it's another thing entirely to post those thoughts to the internet and to share them with the world. It's exposing yourself on a whole other level. Not knowing what anyone will think or say about your fears and anxieties. Especially not knowing what Christians will think when you talk about trust issues with God, or faith failing you in times of crisis. But then I remember that this isn't about them, or about me. 

I've written about my loneliness before. But for the last several months this loneliness has taken on another layer. My dog Gizmo died in October. He was almost 15 and he lived a full and happy life. It was a truly hard thing to go through watching him literally lay down and die before my very eyes. Then 4 months later in February, I had to put my almost 13 year old dog Spike down. What an awful but necessary choice to have to make. Losing both of my beloved boys in 4 months left such a gaping hole in my life. 

All these years, I've said that it's just been me and the boys. When I came home, the boys were here. They were aging and slept a lot, but they were here. And now they aren't. And the silence in the house is deafening. They never barked but their absence is thick in the air. And I truly have never been more alone than I am right now. Never more lonely. 

When the kids were younger, I remember looking forward to the days when they would be grown and on their own, able to take care of themselves without me. It's what I spent their whole lifetimes preparing them for. But then it actually happened. They grew up and went out to forge their own futures. One is married and the other lives in a different city. They are happy and well-adjusted and healthy and making their own way in the world. It's everything I ever wanted. But I miss them. 

Brian and I are divorced. We are dear friends nowadays and I'm grateful for that. We check in on each other to make sure everything is good and I know we are better off than many divorced couples out there. But he's not here. 

I haven't been in a relationship in 16 months. So there's no boyfriend here either. 

No one is.

Don't get me wrong. I have family and friends and a great church family. But they aren't here either. They are all living their lives, like they are supposed to. It's just me. 

And lately I've been feeling the weight of that absence. I've been in church surrounded by families and music and The Word have felt the most alone ever. It's not good,

I cry about it sometimes. I yell at God about it sometimes, too but it doesn't change anything. Then Denise said "so what? God is good anyway."

"So what" is a place I'm working towards. I am praying for a "so what" spirit about my life, knowing that there is a purpose and a plan. And knowing that above all, it's God's timing. 

So pray with me that God develops this "so what" in my heart and mind while I wait for whatever He has in store. Or WHOever He has in store. 

In love, 

Mona