As the Christmas season approaches and soon the beginning of a brand new year, I am thinking often about what has happened throughout the year.
As the year began, my mom was dealing with severe and crippling back issues. As the months went on, her posture worsened until she was walking with a walker stooped over to almost a 45 degree angle. She was in agonizing pain all of the time, the kind of pain that would immobilize most people. And yet she kept going, kept working, kept moving and even slowly kept dancing at church.
Anyone who's ever seen Phyllis praising at church knows she loves to dance in the aisles as the Spirit leads. She's a praiser and dance is one of the ways she worships.
In May, she had back surgery which almost took her life. I talk a little bit about it here: My Final Influence. It was the most terrified I think I'd ever been. But imagine my tears during first PT session when I saw her standing upright. She was moving like a snail, one small shuffling step at a time, but she was going forward, head up and deep breathing.
Her entire recovery was painful, slow, and frustrating. She had several setbacks during the summer, but still it took a whole lot of us keep her sitting still to give her body the chance to heal.
But still in all, when in church, she tried to dance, even with her walker and eventually with her cane. Nothing was going to stop her praise.
She got increasingly better, month over month. By the end of the summer, she was back leading the Usher Board and singing in the women's choir.
I watched her this past Sunday, singing about how the Lord has healed her body. I marveled at how upright she was standing and how fast her feet where moving as she praised up and down the aisle. I marveled at the miracle that is Phyllis Jackson, the miracle that God performed for her and how faithful He is.
Because through all of it, she NEVER stopped giving God glory. NEVER stopped believing in her healing. NEVER gave up on God's promises. Even when literally standing at the threshold of death's door.
So to you, who may be going through your own painful season, whether it is physical, emotional, or spiritual pain, NEVER give up on God. He has your healing at hand. Your breakthrough is just around the corner but you must endure until it comes. You have to keep praising, keep praying, keep worshipping and most importantly keep believing.
I know it may seem like you've been going through for a long time, but trust God that He has something for you during this time. You are either maturing, growing your faith or stretching your arms towards Him. All things that move you towards His promise to you.
Keep the faith.
Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom also we have access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us. Romans 5:1-5
Keep dancing.
In love, Mona
Thursday, December 15, 2016
Sunday, December 11, 2016
Pass the Stain Remover
If your house was like mine, you had a beautiful living room that you weren't allowed to step one foot in because it was for guests who never seem to come over even though they have a whole room assigned for their impending visit.
Being the oldest of four, the living room was the only room that I could sneak off to and have some peace and quite. One day while seeking some solace from my sister's music and my brothers horse playing, I went into my mothers living room with a cup of red kook-aid, laid on the carpet and read a book. I heard a loud thump from upstairs, which startled me, causing me to drop the cup of red juice right on my mother's carpet.
I hopped up and began to scrub the carpet with warm water and dish soap with no luck! I thought quickly, since I knew my mother would be home soon, and grabbed the large floor plant she had near by and moved it slightly over the spot covering it perfectly. Or so I thought.
A week later my mother noticed the stain on her carpet. She quickly and loudly shouted my name and inquired about the stain. After explaining what had occurred my mother walked me through the steps of properly cleaning a stain and told me that by not cleaning it properly and covering it to hide it, I made removing the stain harder and although it would come clean it would take deeper and harder work to restore the carpet to a clean state.
Reminiscing about that time in my childhood made me realize that many of us are like that with our Spiritual Father. We do things that cause a stain on our spiritual garment and we try to take care of it on our own, and when we see that we can't, we try to cover it up, not knowing all along that our father "God" is just waiting on us to come to Him and tell him what we've done so that He can tell us what to do to clean it and make it right.
The good news is it's not to late! You can still get it right and clean but it's just going to take some deeper and harder work to make it happen and if by chance you wait a little too long, replace the carpet and start over. No one knows but you and God.
Be Blessed,
Sis Denise
Being the oldest of four, the living room was the only room that I could sneak off to and have some peace and quite. One day while seeking some solace from my sister's music and my brothers horse playing, I went into my mothers living room with a cup of red kook-aid, laid on the carpet and read a book. I heard a loud thump from upstairs, which startled me, causing me to drop the cup of red juice right on my mother's carpet.
I hopped up and began to scrub the carpet with warm water and dish soap with no luck! I thought quickly, since I knew my mother would be home soon, and grabbed the large floor plant she had near by and moved it slightly over the spot covering it perfectly. Or so I thought.
A week later my mother noticed the stain on her carpet. She quickly and loudly shouted my name and inquired about the stain. After explaining what had occurred my mother walked me through the steps of properly cleaning a stain and told me that by not cleaning it properly and covering it to hide it, I made removing the stain harder and although it would come clean it would take deeper and harder work to restore the carpet to a clean state.
Reminiscing about that time in my childhood made me realize that many of us are like that with our Spiritual Father. We do things that cause a stain on our spiritual garment and we try to take care of it on our own, and when we see that we can't, we try to cover it up, not knowing all along that our father "God" is just waiting on us to come to Him and tell him what we've done so that He can tell us what to do to clean it and make it right.
The good news is it's not to late! You can still get it right and clean but it's just going to take some deeper and harder work to make it happen and if by chance you wait a little too long, replace the carpet and start over. No one knows but you and God.
Be Blessed,
Sis Denise
Wednesday, October 19, 2016
Flawed Logic
I have spent so much time staring at myself in the mirror counting up all of my physical flaws. From the kinky coils of my head to the surgical scar on my foot and every inch and pound in between.
I have wondered if these lumps and bumps were the reason that I am still single. If the sagging and drooping of age had taken a final toll on the prospects of a love life. What do people see when they look at me? Certainly not what I see when I look at myself.
And then He reminded me that I am "fearfully and wonderfully made." (Psalm 139:14)
I remembered that this body brought forth two beautiful children. These arms consoled friends through the tragedy of losing ones they loved. These knees bent in prayer for the heartbroken and lost. This behind sat down and these ears listened to stories of betrayal, assault, molestation and abandonment and these lips spoke life.
This body, in part and as a whole, has been used as God's instrument for His divine purpose. Who am I to question His creation. He who knew me before I was formed in my mother's womb?
"Mona," He whispered, "You are altogether beautiful, my darling. There is no flaw in you." (Song of Solomon 4:7)
My dearest woman or man of God, there is no flaw in you. Use your temple to uplift God and mankind. Be His chosen and flawless vessel.
In love,
Mona
I have wondered if these lumps and bumps were the reason that I am still single. If the sagging and drooping of age had taken a final toll on the prospects of a love life. What do people see when they look at me? Certainly not what I see when I look at myself.
And then He reminded me that I am "fearfully and wonderfully made." (Psalm 139:14)
I remembered that this body brought forth two beautiful children. These arms consoled friends through the tragedy of losing ones they loved. These knees bent in prayer for the heartbroken and lost. This behind sat down and these ears listened to stories of betrayal, assault, molestation and abandonment and these lips spoke life.
This body, in part and as a whole, has been used as God's instrument for His divine purpose. Who am I to question His creation. He who knew me before I was formed in my mother's womb?
"Mona," He whispered, "You are altogether beautiful, my darling. There is no flaw in you." (Song of Solomon 4:7)
My dearest woman or man of God, there is no flaw in you. Use your temple to uplift God and mankind. Be His chosen and flawless vessel.
In love,
Mona
Tuesday, October 4, 2016
Removing the Bandaid
I recently re-read my entire blog. It was born in 2009 as I was trying to cope with my failing marriage. I am truly in awe of God when I look back at what I have gone through, thrived in and survived for the past 7 years.
I once wrote a piece called "Looking Back" about how every now and again you need to look back to see how far you've come in your journey. It's so easy to ignore your growth and development in Christ - especially when you often feel like you're moving from crisis to crisis. But it is an important step to take so see that God has been bringing you along and moving your forward, even if you don't notice it.
My journey to healing took a long, long time as I moved from faith to faithless and back again; from heartbreak and heartache to being heartened. Like the Children of Israel, I probably took ten times longer to get here than needed because of my stubbornness and stiff-necked ways. I went left when I should have gone right and ran when I should have walked but God was faithful anyhow. And here I sit, fingers moving along this same old raggedy but steady Macbook Pro keyboard, blogging as I have for the last 7 years.
In the past years, I have suffered depression, near-ruin financially, an ill-planned move, my loss of faith. But as of now, I plan to look forward. I am removing the band-aid of my past blogs from my heart and mind because I have been healed.
I was reminded that, like Jeremiah, I have a purpose and a destiny. "Then the Lord put forth His hand and touched my mouth, and the Lord said to me “Behold, I have put My words in your mouth. See, I have this day set you over the nations and over the kingdoms, to root out and to pull down, to destroy and to throw down, to build and to plant.” Jeremiah 1:9-10
I was reminded, like Timothy, that my lineage as rooted in the Gospel. "when I call to remembrance the genuine faith that is in you, which dwelt first in your grandmother Lois and your mother Eunice, and I am persuaded is in you also. Therefore I remind you to stir up the gift of God which is in you through the laying on of my hands." 2 Timothy 1:6-7
So stir up the gifts is what I am going to do. I don't consider myself a prophet or preacher by any stretch of the imagination. But I will speak what thus sayeth the Lord. Mostly he'll be talking to me about my own life and my own journey of faith and I'll just share with you what He says.
For those of us who are feeling unnecessary and unloved God says “But you, Israel, are My servant, Jacob whom I have chosen, The descendants of Abraham My friend. You whom I have taken from the ends of the earth, And called from its farthest regions, And said to you, ‘You are My servant, I have chosen you and have not cast you away: Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’” Isaiah 41:8-10
God has a purpose and a plan for your life. But you're not going to open your mailbox and find it there. You aren't going to find your soulmate in Wegmans - trust me I've looked - but you will find your purpose in the Bible. You will find it in your prayer time and in your meditation with the Holy Spirit. Seek and ye shall find. Ask God to show you WHO you are, WHOSE you are and WHY you are. He will reveal it.
So we all have some work to do. Here's to our journey forward.
In love,
Mona
I once wrote a piece called "Looking Back" about how every now and again you need to look back to see how far you've come in your journey. It's so easy to ignore your growth and development in Christ - especially when you often feel like you're moving from crisis to crisis. But it is an important step to take so see that God has been bringing you along and moving your forward, even if you don't notice it.
My journey to healing took a long, long time as I moved from faith to faithless and back again; from heartbreak and heartache to being heartened. Like the Children of Israel, I probably took ten times longer to get here than needed because of my stubbornness and stiff-necked ways. I went left when I should have gone right and ran when I should have walked but God was faithful anyhow. And here I sit, fingers moving along this same old raggedy but steady Macbook Pro keyboard, blogging as I have for the last 7 years.
In the past years, I have suffered depression, near-ruin financially, an ill-planned move, my loss of faith. But as of now, I plan to look forward. I am removing the band-aid of my past blogs from my heart and mind because I have been healed.
I was reminded that, like Jeremiah, I have a purpose and a destiny. "Then the Lord put forth His hand and touched my mouth, and the Lord said to me “Behold, I have put My words in your mouth. See, I have this day set you over the nations and over the kingdoms, to root out and to pull down, to destroy and to throw down, to build and to plant.” Jeremiah 1:9-10
I was reminded, like Timothy, that my lineage as rooted in the Gospel. "when I call to remembrance the genuine faith that is in you, which dwelt first in your grandmother Lois and your mother Eunice, and I am persuaded is in you also. Therefore I remind you to stir up the gift of God which is in you through the laying on of my hands." 2 Timothy 1:6-7
So stir up the gifts is what I am going to do. I don't consider myself a prophet or preacher by any stretch of the imagination. But I will speak what thus sayeth the Lord. Mostly he'll be talking to me about my own life and my own journey of faith and I'll just share with you what He says.
For those of us who are feeling unnecessary and unloved God says “But you, Israel, are My servant, Jacob whom I have chosen, The descendants of Abraham My friend. You whom I have taken from the ends of the earth, And called from its farthest regions, And said to you, ‘You are My servant, I have chosen you and have not cast you away: Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’” Isaiah 41:8-10
God has a purpose and a plan for your life. But you're not going to open your mailbox and find it there. You aren't going to find your soulmate in Wegmans - trust me I've looked - but you will find your purpose in the Bible. You will find it in your prayer time and in your meditation with the Holy Spirit. Seek and ye shall find. Ask God to show you WHO you are, WHOSE you are and WHY you are. He will reveal it.
So we all have some work to do. Here's to our journey forward.
In love,
Mona
Friday, May 20, 2016
My Final Influence
When I think about the people who have had the most influence in my life, I think of my dad Charles Jackson, my grandmother Jessie Ray, my aunt Clorica Moore and of course my mom Phyllis Jackson. Each of them taught me critical things about life and love.
I'm a "daddy's girl" through and through. My relationship with my father was one of unconditional love and support. He taught me how to be me; how to love and respect myself and to know that I could do anything I set my mind to do. He taught me to speak my mind, believe in myself and trust my instincts. He embodied the creation of my self-esteem. He died on October 1, 1993 but not before shaping me permanently.
My grandmother was wisdom personified. Our relationship was unique in that as a child she was like my mother, but as an adult she was like my friend. We drank coffee and talked endlessly about love and life. She told me things about her life that she had never shared with any of her children. She could be free with me without constraints, and I with her. She embodied my nurturing side. She died on April 14, 2002.
My aunt Clo was all about family. She loved, valued and appreciated her parents, siblings, nieces and nephews. I don't know if it was because she never had any children of her own but family was everything. She would get together and barbecue on Flag Day if it was up to her. She united us. She would give her last to anyone in need. She was selfless to a fault. She was very much a second mom to me and our relationship was much more than aunt/niece. She embodied my love for family and my desire to give. She died on December 8, 2008.
And then there's mom. I don't even have the ability to talk about all that mom is to me. She embodies fully helping me to understand and develop my relationship with God, my faith and my strengths. I would do her a disservice trying to write down how I feel about her. I just couldn't do it justice.
I almost lost her recently. She had surgery and there were complications. Serious ones. I spent 45 minutes in the surgical waiting room thinking that she must have died because they were taking so long and not updating me. I stared down the hall waiting for the surgeon to walk out and tell me that she was gone. But she wasn't. But God.
Then I saw her in the ICU for several day on a breathing machine and I thought she wasn't going to make it through those nights. But she did. I saw her enduring pain that threatened to have her want to give up on life. But she didn't. God has other plans.
But I am so mindful that it was close. Too close for comfort for me. And I know in my logical mind that she's on the road to recovery but this has been more difficult to process than I have been willing to let on. I don't let on because at the end of the day this isn't about me and maybe I'm just being selfish because I want my mom to live forever.
But I am being selfish because I want my mom to live forever.
Because I don't know how to do this without her. I don't even know what "THIS" is but whatever it is, I want her here to give me guidance and advice. To remind me of God's purpose for me. To show me exactly what it means to praise your way through. To help me understand the power of faith, how to count it all joy and how to claim your healing despite the circumstances. To encourage me in my gifts and to let me know again that God has a plan. To preach the house down. To be the mother to the motherless and a friend to the lonely. To claim other women's daughters as her own spiritually and to nurture them through. To be here.
I am blessed that at nearly 48 I still have my mom, but she's the last one of Those Who Made Me and I'm not ready to let her go.
"Her children rise up and call her blessed. Her husband also, and he praises her. “Many daughters have done well, but you excel them all.” Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing, but a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised. Give her of the fruit of her hands, and let her own works praise her in the gates." Proverbs 31:28-31
In love,
Mona
I'm a "daddy's girl" through and through. My relationship with my father was one of unconditional love and support. He taught me how to be me; how to love and respect myself and to know that I could do anything I set my mind to do. He taught me to speak my mind, believe in myself and trust my instincts. He embodied the creation of my self-esteem. He died on October 1, 1993 but not before shaping me permanently.
My grandmother was wisdom personified. Our relationship was unique in that as a child she was like my mother, but as an adult she was like my friend. We drank coffee and talked endlessly about love and life. She told me things about her life that she had never shared with any of her children. She could be free with me without constraints, and I with her. She embodied my nurturing side. She died on April 14, 2002.
My aunt Clo was all about family. She loved, valued and appreciated her parents, siblings, nieces and nephews. I don't know if it was because she never had any children of her own but family was everything. She would get together and barbecue on Flag Day if it was up to her. She united us. She would give her last to anyone in need. She was selfless to a fault. She was very much a second mom to me and our relationship was much more than aunt/niece. She embodied my love for family and my desire to give. She died on December 8, 2008.
And then there's mom. I don't even have the ability to talk about all that mom is to me. She embodies fully helping me to understand and develop my relationship with God, my faith and my strengths. I would do her a disservice trying to write down how I feel about her. I just couldn't do it justice.
I almost lost her recently. She had surgery and there were complications. Serious ones. I spent 45 minutes in the surgical waiting room thinking that she must have died because they were taking so long and not updating me. I stared down the hall waiting for the surgeon to walk out and tell me that she was gone. But she wasn't. But God.
Then I saw her in the ICU for several day on a breathing machine and I thought she wasn't going to make it through those nights. But she did. I saw her enduring pain that threatened to have her want to give up on life. But she didn't. God has other plans.
But I am so mindful that it was close. Too close for comfort for me. And I know in my logical mind that she's on the road to recovery but this has been more difficult to process than I have been willing to let on. I don't let on because at the end of the day this isn't about me and maybe I'm just being selfish because I want my mom to live forever.
But I am being selfish because I want my mom to live forever.
Because I don't know how to do this without her. I don't even know what "THIS" is but whatever it is, I want her here to give me guidance and advice. To remind me of God's purpose for me. To show me exactly what it means to praise your way through. To help me understand the power of faith, how to count it all joy and how to claim your healing despite the circumstances. To encourage me in my gifts and to let me know again that God has a plan. To preach the house down. To be the mother to the motherless and a friend to the lonely. To claim other women's daughters as her own spiritually and to nurture them through. To be here.
I am blessed that at nearly 48 I still have my mom, but she's the last one of Those Who Made Me and I'm not ready to let her go.
"Her children rise up and call her blessed. Her husband also, and he praises her. “Many daughters have done well, but you excel them all.” Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing, but a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised. Give her of the fruit of her hands, and let her own works praise her in the gates." Proverbs 31:28-31
In love,
Mona
Sunday, March 20, 2016
So What
They say that transparency is painful. For me it's terrifying. It seems easy to sit at your computer and type out all of your thoughts and feelings. And it is. It's often quite healing. But it's another thing entirely to post those thoughts to the internet and to share them with the world. It's exposing yourself on a whole other level. Not knowing what anyone will think or say about your fears and anxieties. Especially not knowing what Christians will think when you talk about trust issues with God, or faith failing you in times of crisis. But then I remember that this isn't about them, or about me.
I've written about my loneliness before. But for the last several months this loneliness has taken on another layer. My dog Gizmo died in October. He was almost 15 and he lived a full and happy life. It was a truly hard thing to go through watching him literally lay down and die before my very eyes. Then 4 months later in February, I had to put my almost 13 year old dog Spike down. What an awful but necessary choice to have to make. Losing both of my beloved boys in 4 months left such a gaping hole in my life.
All these years, I've said that it's just been me and the boys. When I came home, the boys were here. They were aging and slept a lot, but they were here. And now they aren't. And the silence in the house is deafening. They never barked but their absence is thick in the air. And I truly have never been more alone than I am right now. Never more lonely.
When the kids were younger, I remember looking forward to the days when they would be grown and on their own, able to take care of themselves without me. It's what I spent their whole lifetimes preparing them for. But then it actually happened. They grew up and went out to forge their own futures. One is married and the other lives in a different city. They are happy and well-adjusted and healthy and making their own way in the world. It's everything I ever wanted. But I miss them.
Brian and I are divorced. We are dear friends nowadays and I'm grateful for that. We check in on each other to make sure everything is good and I know we are better off than many divorced couples out there. But he's not here.
I haven't been in a relationship in 16 months. So there's no boyfriend here either.
No one is.
Don't get me wrong. I have family and friends and a great church family. But they aren't here either. They are all living their lives, like they are supposed to. It's just me.
And lately I've been feeling the weight of that absence. I've been in church surrounded by families and music and The Word have felt the most alone ever. It's not good,
I cry about it sometimes. I yell at God about it sometimes, too but it doesn't change anything. Then Denise said "so what? God is good anyway."
"So what" is a place I'm working towards. I am praying for a "so what" spirit about my life, knowing that there is a purpose and a plan. And knowing that above all, it's God's timing.
So pray with me that God develops this "so what" in my heart and mind while I wait for whatever He has in store. Or WHOever He has in store.
In love,
Mona
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