When I was a little girl living in Van Nuys, CA there was a community pool that my brother and I used to go to all the time. It was full of noisy kids swimming and splashing around and it was so fun. At the deep end of the pool there were two diving boards, one low and one high. I was a decent swimmer so I had no problem swimming in the deep end but the diving boards were very intimidating.
The low board was 10 feet above the water and the high board was 20 feet above it. I had no problem jumping off the low board; holding my nose and just bouncing off into the water. That was easy as pie and you could tell because the line for the low board was always long, full of sopping wet kids of all shapes and sizes waiting for their next turn.
But the high dive...that's a whole 'nother story. It was only 10 feet higher than the other board, but it may as well have been 100 feet. It was terrifying! That line was considerably shorter than the low dive line, so clearly I wasn't the only one who thought so. But I would watch all these kids climb those stairs, walk out onto the plank and fearless jump off and I would be amazed. What the heck was wrong with them?? Didn't they know that the pool had a bottom?? Good Lord!
Well needless to say, one day my big brother somehow convinced me to go up. I'm sure he threatened to beat me up if I didn't go but that's another blog entry. I decided to face my fears and do it. I climbed up what seemed to be 1,000 steps trying to remember to keep breathing as I went. I finally reached the top and stepped out onto the plank of death. I was 'dead girl walking'. It was like a dream. I stood at the edge and remember praying the 23rd Psalm (I always do that when I'm afraid...even now). I held my nose and stepped to my death. The next thing I remember was hitting the water and fighting to get back to the surface and fighting to get my bathing suit back in all the right places. Miraculously I survived!
We have all been struggling with something. You know what your struggle is and so does God. We've had some successes and some failures along this journey. Each success felt like winning Olympic Gold and each failure made us question everything we've ever known about ourselves and God. We've prayed more, praised more and turned over more. God is pleased. It's not enough. God wants one more thing.
He says it's time to walk to the edge of the abyss and jump. Time to give it all up and jump down into the darkness that you cannot see. Because it is only when you jump that your hands will be free. You won't be able to hold onto anything anymore. You won't be able to try and control things anymore. You can't overthink things when you're in a free fall. You can't play detective while you're falling. You can't worry about anyone else's mess when you are surrounded by the dark air.
You will only be able to trust Him.
In your fall is when God will be able to be in total control. He'll be able to accomplish all that He's been working on but we've been in the way. There is freedom in the fall. There is peace in the darkness and you'll hear His voice of comfort in your ears.
I know it's scary but it's time to take a real leap of faith right off the high diving board into what we think is darkness.
"The LORD upholds all those who fall and lifts up all who are bowed down" Psalm 145:14
You'll discover that you jumped right into His hands.
In love,
Mona
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