I started smoking when I was 15 years old. I quit on my 35th birthday after it dawned on me that I had been smoking for 20 years. Twenty years is a long time to do anything. I started again at the end of 2014 and quit again one week ago today. So yeah, I was smoking on the down low for just over 2 years. Some people knew, but not that many. I kept the secret from everyone who didn't have to know.
I am not really sure what made me start again after 11 years, boredom probably and on some level I don't think I ever stopped missing it. It was stupid and damaging and I was living a huge lie.
I work with our health ministry and I encourage living a healthy lifestyle while smoking every day. This is hard to admit and I know I am going to disappoint a lot of people whose opinion of me matters. But I also know that these people, while they will be upset and disappointed, will not stop loving me. They will correct me, and rightly so, and maybe even suggest that I stop working with the health ministry, as would be their right to do so. And if they did, I would accept it and ask no questions. Because carrying around that lie has done more to damage my right standing with God than anything else.
And I want to be right. I want to live the transparent life that I am always talking about. And one step in that direction is to let go of the secrets and lies that hold me back. And we all have them. We all have that thing, whether we did it to ourselves, or someone did it to us, that keeps us from actually being free.
And the time is now to start revealing these things. You don't have to have a blog to let the past go. You have to have a trusted pastor, mentor or friend. You have to have someone who hears with God's ear and sees with God's eyes. You have to have someone with the compassion and grace that comes from having a relationship with the Lord. Call that person, text that person, go to their house and unburden yourself.
Let God begin to do the work of healing you from your past and allow Him to find a way to use that past, that pain, that lie, that secret to push you forward into your destiny. Telling it won't kill you. Revealing it won't turn those who love you away. Opening up won't sink you lower, it will free you. Free you to turn the page on your past and reveal a fresh unwritten page of your future. Pastor Darryl's has been teaching about turning the page so I won't take credit for this amazing analogy.
As I finish this blog and prepare to post it, I am afraid of reactions. But I know that God still loves me. And I'm sure many of you do too, but in reality I'm beginning to see that I love me as well. I love myself enough to expose myself in order for my soul to be free and to show you that you can do it too.
This is from The Message Matthew 14:24-26 "Then Jesus went to work on his disciples. “Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You’re not in the driver’s seat; I am. Don’t run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I’ll show you how. Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to finding yourself, your true self. What kind of deal is it to get everything you want but lose yourself? What could you ever trade your soul for?"
In love,
Mona
Monday, February 20, 2017
Sunday, February 19, 2017
Scared Straight
I've been running scared a long long time. Scared to fully commit myself to whatever God has in store for me. Scared to be used. Scared to write. Scared to speak. Scared to admit it out loud and terrified to type it in my blog.
God and I have had so many fits and starts during the last twenty or so years. I move forward one inch, see a glimpse of what God wants me to do and then I run back a mile.
I am a victim of my own flesh. Victim of worrying about what people might think about me. Victim of wondering if any of this is real. Am I really speaking in tongues when I worship? Am I really calling on heaven when I pray? Am I really effective when I speak? Could this all be in my own mind?
What will this person have to say? Or that person? If I told someone that I was going to be used by God, would they express disbelief that I was even a Christian? Would they remind me of the time I used those curse words or drank that wine? Would they question God's judgement to use me of all people?
I am so scared that I have immobilized myself by fear. What if I say something wrong? What if I fail? What if I cause harm? What if.... I can't even type all the what ifs I use as an excuse to do nothing.
But I'm tired of running. Tired of not truly being who I am supposed to be. Tired of how hard I work to avoid it. Tired of coming up with new and unique reasons not to just do the work.
I can't use my mom as an excuse. I can't use my family. I can't use work. I can't use lack of confidence and I can't use fear.
My best friend Lisa said that very early on when we first met that she saw me standing at a pulpit. God has not called to the pulpit in that way, but He did give me a voice to speak and I've been swallowing that voice for a long time.
Denise said I have to just jump out of the plane and not pull the ripcord. That requires trust and belief that the parachute will open when it's time. I have to trust that God knew what He was doing when He called me. I have to believe that He wouldn't put me out there to fail. I have to know that He will give me the words to speak and He will give the listeners the ears to hear.
I'm still scared but I said today that I was going to be all in. The best and worst part about that is that I don't even know what that means or what it's going to look like but here is where I say "so what?"
We'll just have to see what happens. But I do know that no matter what it is, God will get the glory from my life. And He will surround me with the people I need to push me and pull me into shape.
So I'm braced for whatever is next and you're coming with me. I can't do it alone.
In love,
Mona
God and I have had so many fits and starts during the last twenty or so years. I move forward one inch, see a glimpse of what God wants me to do and then I run back a mile.
I am a victim of my own flesh. Victim of worrying about what people might think about me. Victim of wondering if any of this is real. Am I really speaking in tongues when I worship? Am I really calling on heaven when I pray? Am I really effective when I speak? Could this all be in my own mind?
What will this person have to say? Or that person? If I told someone that I was going to be used by God, would they express disbelief that I was even a Christian? Would they remind me of the time I used those curse words or drank that wine? Would they question God's judgement to use me of all people?
I am so scared that I have immobilized myself by fear. What if I say something wrong? What if I fail? What if I cause harm? What if.... I can't even type all the what ifs I use as an excuse to do nothing.
But I'm tired of running. Tired of not truly being who I am supposed to be. Tired of how hard I work to avoid it. Tired of coming up with new and unique reasons not to just do the work.
I can't use my mom as an excuse. I can't use my family. I can't use work. I can't use lack of confidence and I can't use fear.
My best friend Lisa said that very early on when we first met that she saw me standing at a pulpit. God has not called to the pulpit in that way, but He did give me a voice to speak and I've been swallowing that voice for a long time.
Denise said I have to just jump out of the plane and not pull the ripcord. That requires trust and belief that the parachute will open when it's time. I have to trust that God knew what He was doing when He called me. I have to believe that He wouldn't put me out there to fail. I have to know that He will give me the words to speak and He will give the listeners the ears to hear.
I'm still scared but I said today that I was going to be all in. The best and worst part about that is that I don't even know what that means or what it's going to look like but here is where I say "so what?"
We'll just have to see what happens. But I do know that no matter what it is, God will get the glory from my life. And He will surround me with the people I need to push me and pull me into shape.
So I'm braced for whatever is next and you're coming with me. I can't do it alone.
In love,
Mona
Saturday, February 18, 2017
Reasons and Seasons and Lifetimes
There is a poem that begins "People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person."
The poem says 'reason' people are are there to fulfill a need, to aid you in something immediate and once the need is met, they are gone.
'Season' people come to help you grow. The bring laughter, peace and teach you things you didn't know. They bring you joy.
'Lifetime' people teach you lifelong lessons; lessons that you learn and then pay forward to teach someone else. Lifetime folks help you build solid emotional foundations that you continue to build upon.
As I get older, I think a lot about the people in my life who I classified as reasons, seasons or lifetimes, only to find out over time that I was wrong. Those who I thought were only going to be there for an insignificant reason turned out to remain for long long seasons of my life. And the ones that I was confident were with me for life actually ended up being just a seasonal blip. Seasons don't have a defined time. A season can be decades.
One expects that familial relationships are for a lifetime. But families fall out, parents and children drift apart, sisters and brothers stop speaking to one another. Husbands and wives divorce. We begin, or are born into, these relationship that we are certain will last for life but sadly we are wrong. That's not to say that we didn't get a lifetime worth of love, laughter and learning. We most likely did and then some. But things end. People walk away, drift away or die.
Thinking about it started to make me sad, but then I was reminded that Jesus said "lo, I am with you always, even until the end of the age." Matthew 28:20
He is actually the only one guaranteed for a lifetime. He said He is with you - not was with, or gonna be with, but IS with, right now at this very moment. When everyone else is gone, Jesus is with you, right where you are. In the midst of your pain, hurt, sadness, joy, blessings, failures and successes. When you are up and when you are down. When relationships end and at the beginning of new ones. On the job and in the unemployment line. When the kids are acting up and when your parents pass away. When you remember the abuses you suffered and when you acted completely out of character and hurt the ones you love. He is still there. And He is always going to be there. Until the end of time.
He loves you. It doesn't matter what you've done, who you've hurt, who hurt you, who walked away from you or who you walked away from. He loves you still and always.
"For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38-39
I am grateful for the people who were in my life for a reason, and for those who were/are here for a season but my heart is full of joy for the One who is here for my lifetime. And nothing will separate us.
In love,
Mona
The poem says 'reason' people are are there to fulfill a need, to aid you in something immediate and once the need is met, they are gone.
'Season' people come to help you grow. The bring laughter, peace and teach you things you didn't know. They bring you joy.
'Lifetime' people teach you lifelong lessons; lessons that you learn and then pay forward to teach someone else. Lifetime folks help you build solid emotional foundations that you continue to build upon.
As I get older, I think a lot about the people in my life who I classified as reasons, seasons or lifetimes, only to find out over time that I was wrong. Those who I thought were only going to be there for an insignificant reason turned out to remain for long long seasons of my life. And the ones that I was confident were with me for life actually ended up being just a seasonal blip. Seasons don't have a defined time. A season can be decades.
One expects that familial relationships are for a lifetime. But families fall out, parents and children drift apart, sisters and brothers stop speaking to one another. Husbands and wives divorce. We begin, or are born into, these relationship that we are certain will last for life but sadly we are wrong. That's not to say that we didn't get a lifetime worth of love, laughter and learning. We most likely did and then some. But things end. People walk away, drift away or die.
Thinking about it started to make me sad, but then I was reminded that Jesus said "lo, I am with you always, even until the end of the age." Matthew 28:20
He is actually the only one guaranteed for a lifetime. He said He is with you - not was with, or gonna be with, but IS with, right now at this very moment. When everyone else is gone, Jesus is with you, right where you are. In the midst of your pain, hurt, sadness, joy, blessings, failures and successes. When you are up and when you are down. When relationships end and at the beginning of new ones. On the job and in the unemployment line. When the kids are acting up and when your parents pass away. When you remember the abuses you suffered and when you acted completely out of character and hurt the ones you love. He is still there. And He is always going to be there. Until the end of time.
He loves you. It doesn't matter what you've done, who you've hurt, who hurt you, who walked away from you or who you walked away from. He loves you still and always.
"For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38-39
I am grateful for the people who were in my life for a reason, and for those who were/are here for a season but my heart is full of joy for the One who is here for my lifetime. And nothing will separate us.
In love,
Mona
Sunday, February 12, 2017
Companion Care
I have blogged often about my loneliness. I used to think it was the absence of a companion, but lately I've realized that its more likely the absence of feeling necessary to someone. That might be the same thing, but I'm not sure.
I miss a lot of things about being married and having my family under one roof. I miss the sense of someone being there. I miss the laughter and the noise of togetherness. I miss the daily presence of folks who love you and need you around.
Now don't get me wrong, I know they still love me and, I'm sure on some level, they still need me. But not like they did when they were dependent on me for their very survival. The hardest part about being an empty-nester, is not only that they aren't physically around, but that you aren't necessary for the big things.
It doesn't need to be said that I am so very proud of my adults, who have taken in all of the lessons that we tried to teach them, and are applying them every single day. They are independent and resilient and living life as grandly as they can.
So where does that leave me? I previously thought this gaping hole could be filled by a relationship and it wasn't until recently that it has started to dawn on me that there is a reason that God hasn't sent anyone. He really truly wants me to see Him as my constant companion. And to be honest, I haven't take care of that companionship like I should have. Not to say that I haven't prayed and worshipped and gone to church. I was seeing God as many of His other manifestations. God the Provider (Jehovah Jireh), God the Healer (Jehovah Rapha), God of Peace (Jehovah Shalom) , etc. But not as God the Companion (Emmanuel - God with us).
As I struggle with my loneliness, I came across a well-known scripture "Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:14
I have to rehearse this thing. I have to paste this to mirror and read it every day. I have to take hold of God telling me not be afraid because I am not alone. He is with me. And when I get weak, when I worry that I am going to die alone, when I fret that my life has become mundane and useless, this will remind me otherwise.
If you are feeling like this with me, let's agree to hold each other up in our prayers, to stand in the gap for each other. I don't have to know your name, just know that I will seek God on behalf of everyone who might be is in this place.
In love,
Mona
I miss a lot of things about being married and having my family under one roof. I miss the sense of someone being there. I miss the laughter and the noise of togetherness. I miss the daily presence of folks who love you and need you around.
Now don't get me wrong, I know they still love me and, I'm sure on some level, they still need me. But not like they did when they were dependent on me for their very survival. The hardest part about being an empty-nester, is not only that they aren't physically around, but that you aren't necessary for the big things.
It doesn't need to be said that I am so very proud of my adults, who have taken in all of the lessons that we tried to teach them, and are applying them every single day. They are independent and resilient and living life as grandly as they can.
So where does that leave me? I previously thought this gaping hole could be filled by a relationship and it wasn't until recently that it has started to dawn on me that there is a reason that God hasn't sent anyone. He really truly wants me to see Him as my constant companion. And to be honest, I haven't take care of that companionship like I should have. Not to say that I haven't prayed and worshipped and gone to church. I was seeing God as many of His other manifestations. God the Provider (Jehovah Jireh), God the Healer (Jehovah Rapha), God of Peace (Jehovah Shalom) , etc. But not as God the Companion (Emmanuel - God with us).
As I struggle with my loneliness, I came across a well-known scripture "Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:14
I have to rehearse this thing. I have to paste this to mirror and read it every day. I have to take hold of God telling me not be afraid because I am not alone. He is with me. And when I get weak, when I worry that I am going to die alone, when I fret that my life has become mundane and useless, this will remind me otherwise.
If you are feeling like this with me, let's agree to hold each other up in our prayers, to stand in the gap for each other. I don't have to know your name, just know that I will seek God on behalf of everyone who might be is in this place.
In love,
Mona
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