A Black Brother (Guest Post by Patrice James)

A black brother struggles on the corner
While the other is being pulled away by a coroner.
Looking for a job is what you might say,
Not quite, because he is there everyday.

Looking for a chance to survive
Is what everyone is trying to do.
But what can we say
When we bury a black brother every day?

Why must we kill to get our point across?
Every time we do, there is another loss.
Why must we use a gun to prove that we are bad?
The person that you may kill is all that someone else has ever had.

We must take a little time to come together.
Maybe if we do, we might just live forever.
For there is more than one way,
For a black brother to survive today.

If you have a problem what should you do?
Talk to an adult or someone that can help you.
For turning to drugs, crack and cocaine
Will do nothing but make you insane.

Give respect and you shall receive,
Don't leave your parents with sorrow and grieve.
So don't give up because there is more than one way
For a black brother to survive today.

#MeToo

I’m about to share a story that I haven’t told many people. I don’t know why I still hold on to this secret. Maybe there is still shame and embarrassment involved. I’m not sure. 

My first sexual experience was when I was 15 years old. It was date rape, although we didn’t have a term like date rape at the time. I didn’t realize it was that until many years later.

I had met a boy, a fine looking boy, that I liked and thought liked me too. I don’t know why he would have though. He was gorgeous and I was... well I was me. Awkward, thick, insecure and the list goes on. I don’t remember how we met (there are many things I’ve forgotten) but I do remember him inviting me over to his house after school. It was December 15, 1983 - that I will never forget. 

I took the bus to his house after school. We were alone in his room and we started kissing. One thing led to another and I was on his bed. He said he wanted to “do it”. I said no and he said that I wasn’t going to come over there, tease him and not give him any. He was angry but not violent. He undressed me and had sex with me against my will. I didn't scream and I didn't fight. I was scared - too scared to do anything but lay there and take it. It was all a blur. When it was over I remember getting dressed, him kissing me on the forehead and walking me to the bus stop.  

I never told a soul. I held that secret for more than 25 years. For a variety of reasons, self-shame, fear of being accused of being fast and loose, being slut-shamed before slut-shaming was even a thing, feeling like I brought on myself because I shouldn't have been there, and the list goes on and on. 

I revealed that secret to total strangers on Twitter one day several years ago. I can't remember why. Probably because it was a safe space to tell the story. 

That's all. Just wanted to share my story. And too many of us have a story to tell. 

In love,
Mona

Begin to Believe

One of my favorite movies of all time is The Matrix, the story of Neo, a man on a mission of discovery about himself and the world he inhabits. Neo is told by Morpheus that he is "The One", the person who was born to win a war against the machines and set humans free. Neo is naturally skeptical of this information and is taken to visit the all-knowing Oracle. The Oracle, aware of Neo's disbelief, tells him "you have the gift but it looks like you're waiting for something."

Later in the movie, Morpheus is captured and Neo works to set him free, but he himself is trapped in the Matrix. Confronted by the nemesis agent, Mr. Smith, Neo has two choices; run or face Mr. Smith. He opts to stay and fight. When Morpheus is asked what's he doing, Morpheus says "he's beginning to believe."

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Hearing versus believing. Do we really need to line up at the altar Sunday after Sunday for the Man or Woman of God to tell us that we are fearfully and wonderfully made?  Do we need to continuously, month after month, hear that God has a purpose and a plan for our lives? That the thoughts He has toward us are good and not evil? That before we were formed in our mother's wombs He knew us and set us apart? Year over year hearing the same thing over and over and over?

At some point, we have to move from hearing to believing. We have to simply know that it's true. We have to walk in this belief because otherwise we will forever "be waiting for something". Waiting for a different Prophet to speak a word over us; waiting for a different person to teach bible study; waiting for the perfect circumstance to arise so that we can finally begin to listen. 

No. The time is now. The truth is the truth and no one needs to tell us anymore. We have to begin to believe that through Christ all things are possible; that God's grace is sufficient; that the joy of the Lord is our strength; that God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, of love and of a sound mind.

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When Neo confronts Mr. Smith, he puts up a good long fight. But he doesn't win. It is only after Neo dies that he comes into full knowledge of who he is and the power he possesses. We have to die to self and let the Spirit of the Lord take over. It is only then that we can fight the war to set the captives free; only then can we be atmosphere changers and life changers. 

Just like Neo, we were born to be "The One" but there is a process. First we hear. Then we believe. And finally we die to self, reborn to walk in the Spirit, exercise the power of the Spirit; overcome by the Spirit and finally live in victory. 

In love, 
Mona

Fireworks and Forgiveness

Today my Pastor, Viatta Carter, preached a message called "The Pain Produces The Promise" about how who we are is the product of everything that we've gone through in our lives; the good, the bad and the ugly. Ultimately it's about learning how to see our trials and tribulations from a different perspective, and to respond differently than we normally do. We need to see those things as a part of the process of God making us into who He wants us to be. 

I started thinking about the things in my life that have cause me pain, the way I responded - usually negatively - and how God had, in the end, worked it out for my good. 

For many years, the Fourth of July had been a very difficult day for me. It was on that day in 2009, under the backdrop of Independence Day fireworks that my marriage began to end and my life was forever changed. 

I've written extensively about it so I won't rehash it again. When I think about what has surely been one of the most painful things that has ever happened to me, I often only think of the negative things; the breakup of a strong and happy marriage, the cracking of the family foundation, the effects on my finances and worse yet, the damage to my mental health. But I need to start thinking about the ways in which God has used that awful time to make me better. 

The first positive thing was Fanning the Flames of Faith. I only started this blog as a way to deal with it all, first using coded language and stories, and then finally with full transparency. It began as a way to try to keep my sanity through the roller coaster ride that was my life and has now become an attempt to encourage others, and myself, through the Word of God; to remind people of what He says about them. 

My personal relationship with God changed. I learned how to really pray, to seek His face and to trust when I couldn't see a way forward. That "process" was more difficult than what those few words show. It was one of the greatest struggles of my life, to give in completely, because I'm such a control freak. 

I learned to ask for help. I spent many many years pretending that I was okay, until a severe depression took hold. I learned that Christians need to stop shying away from dealing with mental health, and to stop telling people to "pray it away". I couldn't pray. But medication and therapy helped to get me back to a place where I could. I needed faith and medicine. 

But most importantly, I learned to forgive. Forgiveness wasn't for him, it was for me. For my spiritual health and wellness. It was the only way I was going to be able to try and claw my way forward. 

"Then Peter came to Him and said, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Up to seven times?" Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven." Matthew 18:21-22

How could I not forgive someone I loved in the same way that God has forgiven me? I decided that I wasn't going let this horrible event totally destroy me and make me bitter. I could have, easily, given in to hate and anger, but I want to be better than that. God wants me to be better than that. Did he deserve it? It doesn't matter. Neither did I when God forgave me. 

Forgiving him released me to really look at people differently. To realize that everyone is going through something. Everyone is in some kind of pain. Everyone is deserving of compassion and grace, not just from God, but from me. Just as I am deserving of it from others. Things just don't bother me like they used to. People are people, they make mistakes, they are mean, they talk about folks, they feel superior, they look down on others, but so what? Pray for them and keep it moving. Because I don't know what they are dealing with. I am not aware of their particular type of pain, so because of that, I forgive and continue to love. Just like I hope they do for me. But what if they don't? Again, so what? God's got me. 

That summer of 2009, God gave me scripture to rehearse. "Behold, I will bring it health and healing; I will heal them and reveal to them the abundance of peace and truth. And I will cause the captives of Judah and the captives of Israel to return, and will rebuild those places as at the first. I will cleanse them from all their iniquity by which they have sinned against Me, and I will pardon all their iniquities by which they have sinned and by which they have transgressed against Me." Jeremiah 33:6-8

After 8 years, my ex-husband and I have a strong and bonded relationship. We are family. There is no bitterness between us. We have moved beyond past mistakes and there is nothing we wouldn't do for one another. We are healthy and at peace. 

We've gone from fireworks to forgiveness to friendship. The process was so so difficult, but the divorce was just a small part of the 37 years that we've known each other. The pain ended and God was fulfilling His promise the whole time. Even when I couldn't see it. 

Everything In Its Proper Perspective

My father used to say "everything in its proper perspective". And I have to admit that for many years, I had NO IDEA what this meant. It seemed like, no matter the circumstance, he found a way to use it. 

When I was supposed to clean my room: Everything in its proper perspective.

When I questioned him about something: Everything in its proper perspective. 

When I was concerned about school or my teenage angst: Ramona, everything in its proper perspective. 

What he meant was everything had a right time and place. It was up to me to make sure that my life, my mind and my decisions were in proper perspective, in right shape and at the right moment. 

Perspective is how you see things or a point of view. But it's also being able to tell what is and is not important.

Often times we get to stuck on where we are NOT that we lose perspective on where we are supposed to be going. We are so busy recounting all of things that we think are wrong our lives, that we cannot see what is totally right. We obsess on what is missing and lose sight of everything good around us. 

Some days you have to stop and smell the roses. I mean literally take a look around you and see all the ways that God has blessed you. First and foremost, you're alive and breathing. That deserves a praise break in and of itself. 

*happy feet*

You are healthy. You have a roof over your head. Your lights are on. Your belly is full. You have clothes and shoes in the closet. You might even have $25 in the bank. You have friends and family who love you. You have a job, a car, a significant other. 

You may have less or you may have more. But you have something else that's more important. 

You have a purpose. You have lives that you impact. You have a God-given destiny. You matter. 

I know you might not think you do, but God knows. Because that purpose is His. That compassion you show? That's God. When you forgive the unforgivable? That's God. When you love the unlovable? That's God. When you sing the church house down? That's God. Because you are affecting lives; in ways that you cannot imagine. 

Stop selling yourself short. Stop selling God short. Get, and keep, a proper perspective about yourself. You are God's chosen. 

You. Make. A. Difference. 

So tomorrow morning, stand in the mirror and remind yourself that you are fearfully and wonderfully made and then read Psalm 139 Link---> Psalm 139

That alone will help you keep everything in its proper perspective. 

In love, 
Mona

Guest Post: I Ain't Scared No More

When I was a young girl maybe like 7 or 8 in age I loved to watch scary movies. Jason, It, Pet Cemetery, a long list and I was never afraid. Until the day I watched Nightmare on Elm Street. It terrified me! You remember, it was the one with the the guy (Freddy Kruger) who wore a glove with razors as finger and wore that super ugly sweater, yeah him. He was killing kids and had been arrested and released on a technicality and so a group of outrage parents cornered him and burned him alive in a huge furnace and somehow he becomes the nightmare demon-spirit. He came back to torture the kids of the parents who had killed him. He would kill them in their dreams and it would kill them in real life. 

My poor dad would stay up all night counting sheep with me. Until one night I woke up, screaming and crying the "demon killed one of the sheep." On that night, probably out of frustration and lack of sleep, he asked "why does this one scare you so much and why do you keep sneaking and watching it?" My response at a young age was very prophetic and neither of us would know it until much later on in life, but I said "because daddy there really is a nightmare demon, one who will come and kill you in your dreams and Nancy has almost figured out how to beat him and I need to know how she does it." 

He grabbed me close and laid me on his chest and said "No baby, Freddy isn't real." See Nancy was one of the teens who had watched many of her friends get killed but she had begun to figure out how to defeat Freddy. By studying some ancient cultures she figured out that she could bring things to the real world with her and that if she turned her back on him and feared him not, it would drain his power and he wouldn't be able to hurt her.
 

Fast forward to present day and I still wake up screaming and crying "the demon is killing the sheep!" Yup you heard me right. The Bible tells us in John 10:10 "The enemy comes to steal kill and destroy" (NIV). He comes and kills your dreams and you begin to parish in real life. I see it today as clear as I seen it then and I can no longer sit and watch my friends, family even strangers die. 

My dad is still a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen. Shoot I'm sure if I called him he'd count sheep with me. But this time it is my Heavenly Father who comforts me, because the Bible also tell me in John 16:33 "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." See Nancy had to figure out how to defeat Freddy on her own but we, my brothers and sisters, don't. We know going in that our Father has already defeated our demons, yes all of them. What we can learn from Nancy is to study our Word; that turning our backs on the demons take away their power and to fear not. We have a gift that takes care everything else for us. "Thank You Jesus!"

Isaiah 41:10 reads "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." 

"GLORY"!  See all you have to do when that demon-spirit of doubt, fear, rejection, guilt, condemnation, low self esteem, depression, alcoholism, gambling,  who ever or whatever comes is to remember these things: We were told they would come! Turn your back on it! Fear not! Run with your mind on "whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things." Philippians 4:8 

You can't see me but I actually took a praise break and gave a little shout because you can snatch that dream right out that demons hand and bring it right back to real life with you because "no weapons formed against you shall prosper" Isaiah 54:17. 

The demon that has come to torture the children of the Parent who has destroyed him has no power over us. Be of good courage and know that you are not alone. God is with you, He is your strength and your peace. Someone is always praying for you even when you don't know it. 


Be Blessed,
Sis Denise Esters

Prayer for the Dying

Today many people woke up to death. It may have been the death of a loved one or the death of a cherished dream. But worse, it might have been the death of hope and faith. 

We are all dying. We began dying the moment we are born. 

There is a poem The Dash by Linda Ellis that illustrates that your tombstone has two dates, the date you were born and the date you died. Grandma Jessie's is 1921-2002. But that life is lived in the 'dash'. What's important is what you do while you live. 

"Because Your lovingkindness is better than life, my lips shall praise You. Thus I will bless You while I live; I will lift up my hands in Your name." Psalm 63:3-4

WHILE I LIVE, I am going to remember that God has a purpose and a plan for my life, no matter what it looks like right now. 

WHILE I LIVE, I am going to discover and embrace who God says I am. 

WHILE I LIVE, I am going to speak life to others and to myself. 

WHILE I LIVE, I am going to develop and deepen my personal relationship with God. 

WHILE I LIVE, I will speak what thus sayeth the Lord. 

Life is challenging in so many different ways. God never said it would be easy, in fact He said  "These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.” John 16:33 

So for now, today, right this minute... YOU WILL LIVE AND NOT DIE! And while you live, you have work to do. You have people to forgive (yourself included), you have prayers to make and worship to give. You only have right now to do it. Because right now, you are in the dash. 

"Praise the Lord, O my soul! While I live I will praise the Lord; I will sing praises to my God while I have my being." Psalm 14:1-2

In love,
Mona

    

Double Exposure

Most of us are old enough to remember 35mm cameras and film. Long before cell phones cameras came along, we bought small canisters of film, inserted them into our cameras, took the exposed end and threaded it through the back of the camera. We then took all of the pictures on the roll of film and dropped it off to a place like Walgreens to be developed. Three days later, we went back and picked up a yellow envelop with a sticky flap and inside were the beautiful pictures of family and friends that we'd captured. 

But what happened to the roll of film after we dropped it off? A technician somewhere opened the canister and took the film through a long and painful process. The film, which is light sensitive and prone to easy destruction if exposed, is carefully removed from the small canister and rinsed in water. It is then subject to numerous rinses in various harsh chemicals to remove its light sensitivity and help the images to develop. This process creates a 'negative' which, when you see it, is not quite the picture you took. Light is dark and dark is light. This 'negative' is then fed into a machine which, clearly using magic and technology, turns the negative image into a positive one. Then the images are printed and voila! A lovely color photo. 

So much of our 'stuff' - our fears, anxieties, issues, problems, etc - are like that light sensitive film just coming out of the canister. We have to expose it, wash it and process it. We are at a very fragile state. We have to go through the harsh process of reliving that which threatens to eat us alive. We have to remember the abuse, remember the pain, remember the rejection. We have to LOOK at it squarely in the face and remind ourselves that it did not kill us. 

And even after we've done that, often what results is negative. We have exposed self-doubt, hatred, denial and unforgiveness. But that's not the final picture. That's not the end result. If we CONTINUE with the process - if we move forward and make the choice to not let this hold us back, what results is positive. We must lay it down. We have to tell the story. We have to open our mouths and speak the truth of the tragedies that have befallen us. We have to shine a light on our demons and say "this is my stuff, here it is and I AM STILL HERE!" Then the grip of those demons are loosened. 

Your restoration is close at hand. But there is a process. If you want healing and deliverance you're going to have to do the hard work of exposing, washing clean, and letting it develop into something beautiful - your deliverance.

Behold, I will bring it health and healing; I will heal them and reveal to them the abundance of peace and truth. And I will cause the captives of Judah and the captives of Israel to return, and will rebuild those places as at the first. Jeremiah 33:6-7

Thus says the Lord: ‘Again there shall be heard in this place—of which you say, “It is desolate, without man and without beast”—in the cities of Judah, in the streets of Jerusalem that are desolate, without man and without inhabitant and without beast, 11 the voice of joy and the voice of gladness, the voice of the bridegroom and the voice of the bride, the voice of those who will say “Praise the Lord of hosts, for the Lord is good, for His mercy endures forever” Jeremiah 33:10-11 

God promises to heal you, return you to your rightful place and give you peace. And in return, all He asks for is your praise. 

In love,
Mona

Secrets & Lies

I started smoking when I was 15 years old. I quit on my 35th birthday after it dawned on me that I had been smoking for 20 years. Twenty years is a long time to do anything. I started again at the end of 2014 and quit again one week ago today. So yeah, I was smoking on the down low for just over 2 years. Some people knew, but not that many. I kept the secret from everyone who didn't have to know. 

I am not really sure what made me start again after 11 years, boredom probably and on some level I don't think I ever stopped missing it. It was stupid and damaging and I was living a huge lie. 

I work with our health ministry and I encourage living a healthy lifestyle while smoking every day. This is hard to admit and I know I am going to disappoint a lot of people whose opinion of me matters. But I also know that these people, while they will be upset and disappointed, will not stop loving me. They will correct me, and rightly so, and maybe even suggest that I stop working with the health ministry, as would be their right to do so. And if they did, I would accept it and ask no questions. Because carrying around that lie has done more to damage my right standing with God than anything else. 

And I want to be right. I want to live the transparent life that I am always talking about. And one step in that direction is to let go of the secrets and lies that hold me back. And we all have them. We all have that thing, whether we did it to ourselves, or someone did it to us, that keeps us from actually being free. 

And the time is now to start revealing these things. You don't have to have a blog to let the past go. You have to have a trusted pastor, mentor or friend. You have to have someone who hears with God's ear and sees with God's eyes. You have to have someone with the compassion and grace that comes from having a relationship with the Lord. Call that person, text that person, go to their house and unburden yourself. 

Let God begin to do the work of healing you from your past and allow Him to find a way to use that past, that pain, that lie, that secret to push you forward into your destiny. Telling it won't kill you. Revealing it won't turn those who love you away. Opening up won't sink you lower, it will free you. Free you to turn the page on your past and reveal a fresh unwritten page of your future. Pastor Darryl's has been teaching about turning the page so I won't take credit for this amazing analogy. 

As I finish this blog and prepare to post it, I am afraid of reactions. But I know that God still loves me. And I'm sure many of you do too, but in reality I'm beginning to see that I love me as well. I love myself enough to expose myself in order for my soul to be free and to show you that you can do it too. 

This is from The Message Matthew 14:24-26 "Then Jesus went to work on his disciples. “Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You’re not in the driver’s seat; I am. Don’t run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I’ll show you how. Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to finding yourself, your true self. What kind of deal is it to get everything you want but lose yourself? What could you ever trade your soul for?"

In love, 
Mona

Scared Straight

I've been running scared a long long time. Scared to fully commit myself to whatever God has in store for me. Scared to be used. Scared to write. Scared to speak. Scared to admit it out loud and terrified to type it in my blog. 

God and I have had so many fits and starts during the last twenty or so years. I move forward one inch, see a glimpse of what God wants me to do and then I run back a mile. 

I am a victim of my own flesh. Victim of worrying about what people might think about me. Victim of wondering if any of this is real. Am I really speaking in tongues when I worship? Am I really calling on heaven when I pray? Am I really effective when I speak? Could this all be in my own mind?

What will this person have to say? Or that person? If I told someone that I was going to be used by God, would they express disbelief that I was even a Christian? Would they remind me of the time I used those curse words or drank that wine? Would they question God's judgement to use me of all people? 

I am so scared that I have immobilized myself by fear. What if I say something wrong? What if I fail? What if I cause harm? What if.... I can't even type all the what ifs I use as an excuse to do nothing. 

But I'm tired of running. Tired of not truly being who I am supposed to be. Tired of how hard I work to avoid it. Tired of coming up with new and unique reasons not to just do the work. 

I can't use my mom as an excuse. I can't use my family. I can't use work. I can't use lack of confidence and I can't use fear. 

My best friend Lisa said that very early on when we first met that she saw me standing at a pulpit. God has not called to the pulpit in that way, but He did give me a voice to speak and I've been swallowing that voice for a long time. 

Denise said I have to just jump out of the plane and not pull the ripcord. That requires trust and belief that the parachute will open when it's time. I have to trust that God knew what He was doing when He called me. I have to believe that He wouldn't put me out there to fail. I have to know that He will give me the words to speak and He will give the listeners the ears to hear. 

I'm still scared but I said today that I was going to be all in. The best and worst part about that is that I don't even know what that means or what it's going to look like but here is where I say "so what?"

We'll just have to see what happens. But I do know that no matter what it is, God will get the glory from my life. And He will surround me with the people I need to push me and pull me into shape. 

So I'm braced for whatever is next and you're coming with me. I can't do it alone. 

In love,
Mona

Reasons and Seasons and Lifetimes

There is a poem that begins "People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person."

The poem says 'reason' people are are there to fulfill a need, to aid you in something immediate and once the need is met, they are gone. 

'Season' people come to help you grow. The bring laughter, peace and teach you things you didn't know. They bring you joy. 

'Lifetime' people teach you lifelong lessons; lessons that you learn and then pay forward to teach someone else. Lifetime folks help you build solid emotional foundations that you continue to build upon. 

As I get older, I think a lot about the people in my life who I classified as reasons, seasons or lifetimes, only to find out over time that I was wrong. Those who I thought were only going to be there for an insignificant reason turned out to remain for long long seasons of my life. And the ones that I was confident were with me for life actually ended up being just a seasonal blip. Seasons don't have a defined time. A season can be decades. 

One expects that familial relationships are for a lifetime. But families fall out, parents and children drift apart, sisters and brothers stop speaking to one another. Husbands and wives divorce. We begin, or are born into, these relationship that we are certain will last for life but sadly we are wrong. That's not to say that we didn't get a lifetime worth of love, laughter and learning. We most likely did and then some. But things end. People walk away, drift away or die. 

Thinking about it started to make me sad, but then I was reminded that Jesus said "lo, I am with you always, even until the end of the age." Matthew 28:20

He is actually the only one guaranteed for a lifetime. He said He is with you - not was with, or gonna be with, but IS with, right now at this very moment. When everyone else is gone, Jesus is with you, right where you are. In the midst of your pain, hurt, sadness, joy, blessings, failures and successes. When you are up and when you are down. When relationships end and at the beginning of new ones. On the job and in the unemployment line. When the kids are acting up and when your parents pass away. When you remember the abuses you suffered and when you acted completely out of character and hurt the ones you love. He is still there. And He is always going to be there. Until the end of time. 

He loves you. It doesn't matter what you've done, who you've hurt, who hurt you, who walked away from you or who you walked away from. He loves you still and always. 

"For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38-39

I am grateful for the people who were in my life for a reason, and for those who were/are here for a season but my heart is full of joy for the One who is here for my lifetime. And nothing will separate us. 

In love, 
Mona

Companion Care

I have blogged often about my loneliness. I used to think it was the absence of a companion, but lately I've realized that its more likely the absence of feeling necessary to someone. That might be the same thing, but I'm not sure. 

I miss a lot of things about being married and having my family under one roof. I miss the sense of someone being there. I miss the laughter and the noise of togetherness. I miss the daily presence of folks who love you and need you around. 

Now don't get me wrong, I know they still love me and, I'm sure on some level, they still need me. But not like they did when they were dependent on me for their very survival. The hardest part about being an empty-nester, is not only that they aren't physically around, but that you aren't necessary for the big things. 

It doesn't need to be said that I am so very proud of my adults, who have taken in all of the lessons that we tried to teach them, and are applying them every single day. They are independent and resilient and living life as grandly as they can. 

So where does that leave me? I previously thought this gaping hole could be filled by a relationship and it wasn't until recently that it has started to dawn on me that there is a reason that God hasn't sent anyone. He really truly wants me to see Him as my constant companion. And to be honest, I haven't take care of that companionship like I should have. Not to say that I haven't prayed and worshipped and gone to church. I was seeing God as many of His other manifestations. God the Provider (Jehovah Jireh), God the Healer (Jehovah Rapha), God of Peace (Jehovah Shalom) , etc. But not as God the Companion (Emmanuel - God with us). 

As I struggle with my loneliness, I came across a well-known scripture "Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:14

I have to rehearse this thing. I have to paste this to mirror and read it every day. I have to take hold of God telling me not be afraid because I am not alone. He is with me. And when I get weak, when I worry that I am going to die alone, when I fret that my life has become mundane and useless, this will remind me otherwise. 

If you are feeling like this with me, let's agree to hold each other up in our prayers, to stand in the gap for each other. I don't have to know your name, just know that I will seek God on behalf of everyone who might be is in this place. 

In love, 
Mona