Left at the Gate

Recently my pastor spoke from Acts 3 about the lame man who was healed. 

"Now Peter and John went up together to the temple at the hour of prayer, the ninth hour. And a certain man lame from his mother’s womb was carried, whom they laid daily at the gate of the temple which is called Beautiful, to ask alms from those who entered the temple; who, seeing Peter and John about to go into the temple, asked for alms. And fixing his eyes on him, with John, Peter said, “Look at us.” So he gave them his attention, expecting to receive something from them. Then Peter said, “Silver and gold I do not have, but what I do have I give you: In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, rise up and walk.” Acts 3:1-6

Pastor Darryl's focus was on what Peter and John gave the man when they spoke to him with the authority of Jesus Christ. But I got stuck on verse 2: and a certain man lame from his mother’s womb was carried, whom they laid daily at the gate of the temple which is called Beautiful, to ask alms from those who entered the temple;

There were people who carried this man every single day to the gate of the temple. We have to assume they were his friends because they took him every day. And even if we assume that the man had been doing it for, let's say, 10 years, they would have carried this man to the gate 3,650 times. I think you develop quite a relationship doing that. 

But my question is how come these friends never took him inside the temple?  

Okay, okay, apparently the lame weren't allowed inside the temple because of some Old Testament stuff (see 2 Samuel 5:8 although David used 'lame and blind to talk about the Jebusites and not actual people with disabilities...) HOWEVER...that's not  my point. 

Sometimes we have to see that we have friends who will take us to the gate but not all the way into the temple. It would seem that the lame man's friends probably really wanted to take him inside, so that he could give praises to God, but they couldn't. They weren't able to. And we probably have some friends like that too. 

They want to take us further, push us further, support us further, but they can't for whatever reason. Maybe they haven't gone as far and don't know the way. Maybe they don't really want you to go as far as you can. Maybe their sole purpose in this life is to simply bring you to the gate and leave you there. They leave you there so you can meet your own Peter and John, saints of God who simply tell you with authority to get up and go inside on your own.  

I've been thinking a lot about friendships, and relationships, lately, how strong they are, what they endure, and how long they last. And I'm starting to see those who could only bring me to the gate and those who were waiting for me when I got there.  And truth be told I'm completely and utterly grateful for all of them. There hasn't been one relationship in my life that hasn't taught me a lifetime of lessons; some good and some bad. But I am wiser all the same. 

My relationship with my ex-husband is one that I thought would end after the divorce, but it hasn't. We are truly friends and we really will last 'until death do us part', just not as man and wife. And that's okay.

I have see-you-every-now-and-again-friends, I-like-your-status-on-Facebook friends, hey-we met-on-Twitter-but-you-are-cool friends, see-you-at-church friends, ride-or-die friends, and I-would-give-you-my-last-dollar friends. I'm happy for each and every one. Not all can bring me to the gate. Some don't even know there is a gate! But each one is a part of my journey towards it and through it. And I consider myself truly blessed.  

The poor man is hated even by his own neighbor, But the rich has many friends. Proverbs 14:20 

Be blessed, 
Mona 

  

 

 

Keep On Keeping On

For He shall give His angels charge over you, to keep you in all your ways. In their hands they shall bear you up, lest you dash your foot against a stone. Psalm 91:11-12

I'm a kept woman. At least that's what I realized these last few weeks. God has been keeping me in the small but important ways. 

My oil light had been flickering a little but I had chalked it up to a fuse issue that I've been having. Then the knocking noise started. It was at least a week or two before I put those two pieces together and checked my oil. It was BONE DRY! I knew from checking online the significant damage that could have been done to my car, even after only driving it a few miles like that, much less a few weeks. 

I am counting that as my own personal miracle. 

More importantly, it helps me to see all of the ways that God keeps me on a daily basis. It forces me to recognize that times that I was dead broke but never went hungry and managed to always have just enough gas in the car to get where I needed to be. It's the small concept of being kept safe from harm. 

But greatest of all, it's knowing that I did nothing to deserve it. It's all God's grace and mercy. I'm no better than anyone else. I didn't go to church more, or worship more or attend bible study more. It's just because He loves me. 

And sometimes that's a hard concept to wrap my head around. 

I'm grateful. Oh so grateful, for the little things. 

And I just thought I'd tell you about it. What little keeps are you grateful for? 

Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need. Hebrews 4:16 
 
In love, 
Mona
 

Living Single

Last night I had a nightmare. It was a dream inside of a dream. I was sleeping, dreaming, and woke up. I went downstairs and saw that my sliding glass door was open. I knew I had closed it. I heard a noise and went into the kitchen to get a knife. All of the knives were missing except for the long bread knife - rounded tip and serrated blade. I grabbed the knife and a man came around the kitchen corner. I started slashing at him with my knife and then took off running out the back door. I opened my back gate to escape and woke up. I was terrified. My heart was racing a mile a minute, my head pounding and my whole body was shaking. I started to pray, as I always do when I wake up from a bad dream. But it wasn't enough. I was painfully aware of how alone I was. With no one there to soothe me, rub my back and tell me that it was going to be alright. I was alone. 

After 21 years of marriage, raising two kids and having dogs, it's been quite an adjustment to be alone. It's difficult to sleep alone, wake up alone, leave the house alone, come home alone, eat alone, read alone and just be alone, day after day. Some times I don't mind it. I often like the solitude of being here, with the dogs at my feet. But on the whole I hate it. Even though I've been separated and divorced a total of 6 years, I still miss the idea of companionship. I miss the thought of having someone to hang out with and talk to. Not that I don't have great friends and family. I do. But it's not the same. 

After many hours I finally was able to go back to sleep but woke up with a raging headache. Couple that with an overwhelming feeling of alone-ness, I was useless to myself. I cried, missing what should have been. Missing what might never be again. Sad of the lost future of my life companion and my til death do us part. It's not HIM that I miss as much as the WE. It's the US I long for. Especially now that the kids are grown and gone. This was supposed to be the time for US, time to travel and gather up the moments lost to sea duty and military service. The time spent raising kids and taking care of a house and responsibilities. It's gone and I feel empty, sometimes. Especially after a fretful nightmare. 

I want companionship. I want someone to go the movies with, eat dinner with, spend time with, argue politics with, lament to state of Black America with. I was someone. But that doesn't seem to be on the horizon. And hasn't for a long time now. And I find myself having to come to grips with what that means. And I just don't know how. 

At bible study the other night, my mom said that we needed to let the Lord be our companion. So much easier said than done. Easier spoken than accepted. I love the Lord and yet I haven't found a way to make that relationship translate to my loneliness. I don't know how to transition that into a movie date, or walk around the park date. And that makes me sadder still. 

I don't think we were meant to be alone. In fact, I'm pretty sure of it since God says so right at the beginning "And the Lord God said, “It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him." Genesis 2:18. I know that also means that I need to wait for God to send me my helper. But I'm not gonna lie, I'm getting impatient. At times, I question my own value, my own beauty and my own attraction. I know. I know. All of those things are not found in the eyes of another person, but God. But you also know i keep it real on this blog. Really real. And that's sometimes how I feel. 

So I wait. "Wait on the Lord; Be of good courage, And He shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the Lord!" Psalm 27:14

But in the meantime, I could do with a date. 

In love, 

Mona

Eeny Meeny Miny Moe

When I was a kid, the best and only way to make a choice was to use Eeny Meeny Miny Moe. It's how we chose teams for kickball, how we chose who was first up in Mother May I and which popsicle to buy. It made all the sense in the world. 

Eeny Meeny Miny Moe
Catch a tiger by his toe
If he hollers let him go
Eeny Meeny Miny Moe

Once we were down to the last two choices, we added another chant.

My mother told me to pick this one right over here! 

Seem like I'm still doing "eeny meeny" for all of the important decisions in my life. In short: I MAKE BAD CHOICES. A lot.

I make bad choices in my love life, my finances, in my time management and in my spiritual walk. I keep eeny meeny'ing and choosing the wrong thing every single time. 

I choose a vacation over new brakes. 

I choose to hold on to past hurt rather than walk in healing. 

I choose relationships that aren't good for me instead of living joyfully alone. 

I choose vindictiveness over compassion.

I choose to binge watch a show on my phone rather than reading my bible. 

Why?

Because I'm not doing Proverbs 3:5-6. That's why. 

Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct your paths.

I'm so far into leaning on my own understanding that I'm planking.



And in order for me to get my choices right, I have to put away my childish eeny meeny miny moe mindset and really lean on God. Trust in Him, knowing that He will guide and direct me into the destiny He desires for me. 

Didn't He say

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you; Before you were born I sanctified you..."

"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope."

It's time for me to believe Him. Time for me learn to WAIT on the Lord. And let Him direct me. I'll end up better off in the end. 

Now I feel like playing a good game of Mother May I. 

NOT IT!

In love,
M

Deal or No Deal: Choose Wisely

Hopefully you have all seen the game show Deal or No Deal. The contestant choose a suitcase with an unkown amount of money value. Throughout the game, the contestant chooses other suitcases and finds out the value of the cases they didn't choose. After every round the banker offers a cash trade and the contestant must decide to deal or not. Take the cash and risk it being less than the amount in the case? Or reject the offer and end up with less than what the banker was willing to give. No matter what a choice has to be made. 
 
When I was climbing out of the throes of my depression, my mom gave me a book for Christmas called, Choose Joy, by Kay Warren. I did not start reading it right away, because honestly I just wasn't in the place to hear and or receive it. But when I did start it, I was captivated right away. 

Mrs. Warren's premise is that 'happiness' is not enough to sustain you through the trials and tribulations of life. Happiness is dependent upon situations; a new house, a new car, a new job, getting money, etc. 

Joy, in the biblical sense, it a CHOICE. You have to choose. 

But let's be honest here, choosing joy is hard. Especially when your kids are acting up, your bank account is empty and your marriage has failed. It's hard when your job is beneath you, your home isn't what you want it to be and things look bleak. 

So how and why do you CHOOSE Joy? Because joy, as given by God, doesn't take any of those things into consideration. Joy is a Fruit of the Spirit (Galations 5:22) so we are certain that it is from God and reflection of the Holy Spirit in our lives.

Joy, according to Mrs. Warren: 

"Joy is the settled assurance that God is in control of all the details of my life, the quiet confidence that ultimately everything is going to be all right, and the determined choice to praise God in all things. "
 
The Apostle Paul, who endured more in his ministry that I could ever even imagine, spoke of this often. When speaking about the thorn in his side he said he "...begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12: 8-10  

Seemingly Paul understood that God was in control and he could trust that everything was going to be all right. And he chose to praise God through it all.

Ah there's the rub. For me, the "praising God through it all" part has been quite the challenge for me. But I also understand now, that my praise can't be determined by my circumstances either. 

If I'm gonna do this Christian thing, then darnit, I need to do it the right way. I need to stop letting my outer circumstances affect my internal relationship with God. I need to DEAL with my stuff and I need to CHOOSE to praise God no matter what is going on in my life.

And truth be told, all of my circumstances may not change throughout all of this choosing of joy and praising of God. But you know what will happen? I will develop a deeper and more trusting relationship with God. And I will learn to be content with what I have and how I have it. I will be satisfied that in the end, the only real thing that matters is my assured place in Heaven and not this temporary hell. 

*sings badly* This joy that I have the world didn't give it to me. Ohohoh this joy that I have, the world didn't give to me. This joy that I have the world didn't give it to me. The world didn't give it and the world can't take it away.

In love,
Mona