Does it dry up
Like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore--
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?
Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.
Or does it explode?
~ Langston Hughes
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What does happen to your dreams when they don't come true? What happens when all that you have prayed for just doesn't come to pass? What do you do?
Funny thing is I don't have the answer. I'm looking for it. I had a dream and *poof* it just disappeared. Did it go into thin air, somewhere off into the atmosphere? Is it floating just above my head, but just out of my grasp? Is it buried beneath my feet, down in the dark cold earth? Did it sink down into the bottom of the ocean, suffocating among the seaweed and kelp? Where is it?
I wonder if that's what happened to my dreams because that's how I feel. One moment I feel as though I'm floating above, watching my own suffering below. Other times I feel buried underneath the cold weight of sadness. And yet again sometimes I feel as though I have been holding my breath for so long under water that my lungs are about to explode.
So this blog is supposed to be about faith and devotion. And at this moment I am searching for a spiritual meaning to the deferral of my dreams. What is God's divine purpose?
I HAVE NO IDEA
Right now I'm ticked with God. He knows and I know it so let's not pretend otherwise. I mean it was a pretty important dream. It wasn't a dream to win the lottery or anything like that. It was a dream that had meaning and substance and value and purpose. This dream had past and present and future. It has history. It was a yesterday, today and tomorrow dream. But it is no more. And so now what?
I am devoid of understanding right now. I miss my dream and it's only minutes old in it's death. I simply can't grasp it right now.
But as miserable as I am right now; as angry and confused and sad as I am. I still know that God has a purpose and a plan for my life. Even though I may be stopped dead in my tracks I hold on to the fact that before I was formed in my mother's womb He knew me and set me apart. My faith may be shaken, but it's not broken. I know that the thoughts that God has towards me are good and not evil; that He plans to prosper me and not harm me. That He has for me hope and a future.
My teary eyes may not be able to see that future. It may be blurry right now but I know that it is there. And it's that implanted hope that will get me up tomorrow morning. And the next day and the next day and the next, until His plan bears out.
But until then pray for me. Pray my continued strength in the Lord.
In love,
Mona
